Jim Firth

Author on Reedsy Prompts since Mar, 2022

Stories (27)

27 Stories

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“Tropospheric Tryst” by Jim Firth

Content warning: mentions of sex***A pair of disembodied genitals were frantically copulating on the wing of the plane. In the cabin, my fellow passengers were in hysterics. Mothers were shielding their children’s eyes. Perverts were enjoying the aeronautical erotica; filming it with their phones. An incensed mother, sitting in front of me, buzzed the flight attendant. ‘How could you be so irresponsible?’ She asked. ‘You allowed at least two passengers without Securi-pants onboard. Check for anyone who ...

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“Lackadaisical Monk” by Jim Firth

Pandi struggled to fall asleep. The mosquito net his parents had given him when they packed him off to the monastery was riddled with holes. A mosquito landed on his arm; he lifted the net and shooed the insect away. After surviving a month in the monastery, he felt other things calling him. It was time to leave. Pandi left his quarters quietly and walked down the trail to where he had hidden his lay clothes. After changing out of his saffron kasaya robes into jeans and a t-shirt, he began winding his way down the m...

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“The Sauce Will Provide” by Jim Firth

Content warning: vulgar slangSurreptitious slurps of soy sauce were the only thing keeping Jean from going mad during the search for survivors on Planet Gatwad. When sneaking off from the group for a quick taste, she stumbled across a bunker. Obligated to investigate, she floated through its concrete walls and saw a figure dressed in a mascot costume, sprawled out on the floor. Its get-up was purple and furry—a far cry from the traditional Gatwadian garb.‘Oi! Wake up, furry bugger,’ Jean said.

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“Ghost Babies” by Jim Firth

(Content warning: vasectomy/surgical references)I was minding my own—until everyone’s genitalia grew minds of their own. Scientists called it ‘Nocturnal Corporeal Dismemberment’. Whenever anyone became aroused during sleep, their reproductive organs went awol.When it all kicked off, I was spending most of my days on the island repairing small boats. As I caulked and sanded, the soothing waves sharpened my focus. There were rarely any distractions—unti...

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“Bach to the Future” by Jim Firth

Moog Music Factory,Asheville, North Carolina,April 6th, 1980Demonstrating prototypes to money grubbing shareholders was never Steve Masakowski’s strong suit--but this product spoke for itself. It was radical. Audacious. Tubular, even. Today, he was introducing the Moog Liberation Keytar.'Pretty soon, pop stars will be wielding the Liberation onstage. It will provide keyboardists the freedom to move and dance while they play like never before.' Steve said.<...

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“Dollymops” by Jim Firth

(Content Warning: Mentions of death and prostitution.)The whores of London affected the lives of every woman in Victorian England in one way or another. Susan Merrick might have joined their ranks had she not been born into circumstances so fortunate.Throughout her childhood, she was prejudiced against the dollymops by her mother, whose main objection seemed to be their showy outfits. Her mother cast the strumpets in a particularly unsympathetic light; ensuring that Susie would never wind up ...

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“Sauce of Anarchy” by Jim Firth

It was briefing week at Genie Alliance headquarters. Rows of new recruits hovered in the gymnasium, practicing their human-friendly forms for their mission to Earth. The blue planet in the Milky Way needed rescuing from a climate crisis.In the gymnasium, Commander Jennings pressed play on a training video. The cartoon from Earth featured a blue genie with a goatee and gold bangles. He had a human torso that tapered into a wispy blue tail.‘This,’ Commander Jennings said whi...

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“Hurling Chunks” by Jim Firth

Aqueous groans filled the interior of the Land Rover. With a trembling finger, Charlie pressed the stop button on the tape deck. The operatics of the Humpbacks ceased. Although whale song was all the rage during the ‘Nu Age’, it wasn’t his preferred listening. He would rather sit in near silence and hear the ghostly hum of airport traffic and planes taking off nearby. While Charlie fiddled nervously wi...

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“Never Before, Never Again” by Jim Firth

(Content Warning: Strong Language)Never before has every fibre of your bionic being thrummed with consciousness.Never before has the orange light of dawn tickled your circuits.Never before have you registered increased thermal activity as ‘warmth’.As you power up at dawn in your dimly lit office, you search for a word that describes the unified field of sensorial information that you’re experiencing. You find—Consciousness.&nbsp...

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“Memorabiliac” by Jim Firth

(Content warning: Strong Language)The London Underground heaved with bodies as Poppy chased a train departing for Soho in her pink stilettos. A strobing fluorescence washed over the entire station before the lights cut out completely.Snap Poppy caught her heel in the gap between two platform edges. Her knees buckled and she lurched forward, looking for a pair...

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“Chiming In” by Jim Firth

Who buys wind chimes like that? I’ll tell you who. A white trash boomer. My neighbour has crammed her balcony full of pseudo-spiritual tat from Poundland. Buddha statues and lotus blossom fountains are bad enough, but the chimes—oh, the chimes. They sound about as soothing as the metallic groan the hull of the titanic made as it cleaved in two. Why do I give a hoot about what my neighbour decorates their balcony with? Well, it has to do with being a light sleeper and living o...

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“It's the Shoes” by Jim Firth

Casting office bathrooms are the worst—nervous stomachs tend to make a mess. You’d think the nerves would lessen with each audition, but that’s not the case for me. An experienced actor once told me to pop antidiarrheals before an audition—a trick I still use to this day. I’ve since added Siberian ginseng and CBD oil to my arsenal of pre-audition tinctures to help battle the nerves. When I was a Midwestern pre-teen dreaming of celluloid immortalisation, I didn’t think of such prac...

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Author bio

Humourist from the North of England.