James Offenha

“My Worst Nightmare” by James Offenha

           This is my worst nightmare. I'm trapped in a semi-independent living facility. I am not allowed to go off campus because they want to make sure I'm safe. But, in one of the meetings with my case manager, she actually had the chutspa to ask me what I enjoy doing for fun and, unlike my legal guardian, I was honest. I told my case manager I'd like to go skydiving. Just imagine, me, someone with a traumatic brain injury, counting down from five, and jumpin...

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“Being Human” by James Offenha

           We don't talk about it and he prefers we don't use the term, Freak, which I wouldn't use anyway. See, in the land of Sycophancy, when it rains a few things happen: 1) The moon turns from white to blue. 2) The clouds have a speck of void (medical term void) which has an ador, and 3) my dog turns human until the storm passes. See, my dog was granted a wish when he turned 7æ13. But, maybe you, the reader, doesn't know what 7æ13 means. So, we'll ...

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“We Have Plenty of Time” by James Offenha

We have plenty of time and were chosen for the job, not hired. We weren't even given names by our mamas. My name be Speciman 1 and my girlfriend's name is Speciman 2. Oh, yeah. Forgot. Me, 1, her 2, are monkeys. You know? The kind you and your kids go to see in the zoo. We be monkeys. And we was in a zoo, but then these dumb humans brought us to this place with white everywhere. Us monkeys ain't colorblind. Your dogs are, but not us monkeys. Then they told me and 2 we'd have a train...

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“Fred” by James Offenha

           My card is old, but I flashed it the way people flash a fake driver's license at a bar when they’re underage. The card said my dog, Fred, is an Assistant Dog.  So, they let me and Fred in. Thank God they let me in. See, Fred was a Certified Assistant Dog, but I didn’t renew his license and the state took away his credentials. But, I’m not leaving him in the car in 90 degree heat, he’d die, I don't have anyone I can leave him with, and if I leave h...

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“The Whimpering Night Shift” by James Offenha

My name is Ralph or maybe Ruff, I'm still not sure. I'm 7 years old, which in human years is 35. My master, Freddie, pretects me and I protect him. See, we're cops. There are lots of cop dogs. You sometimes see us on TV: the dog that saves a cop's life by biting the hand of the bad guy, the dog that smells where the illegal drugs in the house are, but I'm a different kind of dog. I'm a Chigi and the unique thing about Chigis is we all have psi. According to dictionary.com, “psi” is “a supposed parapsycholog...

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“Stupid Love” by James Offenha

I took J.C. outside for his afternoon walk. I couldn't go past the sidewalk or the mob would all try to touch J.C. because they think J.C. Stands for Jesus Christ. I should've named him Stupid. Nobody would want healing from a dog named, Stupid. But, that's his name: J.C. So, I was walking him in my yard, he smelled the same tree he always pees on and marked it as his again. And then, while we were walking, J.C. vanished into thin air. It was like a magician with slight of hand made J.C. vanish. I look...

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“In Dog We Trust” by James Offenha

Write about a character pretending to be someone they're not. So, before the drama started, I decided to take J.C. to a psychic/medium bookstore/shop. There, the cashier recommended J.C. get a past life regression. She said if I recorded it, and J.C. wasn't Jesus in a past life, it would prove to the media that J.C. doesn't stand for Jesus Christ, it stands for Jack Charlie. So, Jessica recommended this place. She was one of the few people, other then my coworkers, that I told about my miracle dog, J.C.   * ...

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“The Dog and the Bag” by James Offenha

               He went potty outside. I’ll be gone for six hours, so it’s good he went potty outside. J.C. (Jack Charlie) was a good boy, so I gave him some treats: Beggin’ Bits. J.C. wagged his tail. I’m going to surgery for five hours for a laparoscopic cholecystectomy, so the pain’ll go away. I’d been going to work with stomach pain for four months. So, I went to my family doctor who prescribed laxatives and it helped for a while, but she s...

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“Joey's Wish” by James Offenha

Submitted to Contest #105

           I did it; (I can see through his eyes.) I did it. But, I feel like the character from the movie Being John Malkovich, before he got control of John Malkovich, since I can only see through my master’s eyes. I can’t make him do anything. For example, my master opens the fridge and I see slices or chicken breast, a tube of bologna, turkey, ground beef, all in the deli drawer and I try to get him to put all this meat in my dog food bowl. I even give him my...

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“Leave Me Alone” by James Offenha

Submitted to Contest #104

           All I want is P & Q, P & Q: Peace and Quiet. My wife is out of town, the kids are at camp, my phone is turned off, the candles are lit, and I set three minutes left on the timer for the tub. After three minutes I’ll turn off the tub. I have Mozart playing in the background, and life is calm.             My name is Joe and I freeze bombs for a living. I’m 28 and Caucasion, with a buzz c...

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“Dog Scents ” by James Offenha

Submitted to Contest #69

    Normally, when we take out the food, he’s happy and wagging his tail.   He stares at the screen blankly, like a deer after it’s been shot by a hunter, but still ain’t dead.  Pub hears the voices of his family, but doesn’t smell anything.  See, dogs sense the world through smell.  A dog with no smell ain’t never happy.       So, I got me a little dish with a turkey sandwich, a little green bean casserole, and some cranberry sauce.  So,...

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“Ward ” by James Offenha

Submitted to Contest #68

    This was supposed to be the happiest day of their lives, but then it happened. I need therapy, the doctors and nurses told me I need therapy, but I’m a doer and therapy’s expensive and dangerous.  My parents said they’re still proud of me and we can always try again.  After all, trying is the fun part, right?  Yes, but it’s the herd mentality.  Everyone else has one, so we should have one, too. What a weird world.   My colleagues have jobs, so do I, they have hous...

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“The Market” by James Offenha

Submitted to Contest #67

     They have me strapped in, but this car is weird.   Imagine a car where my back is parallel to the ground, but I’ve seen and been through lots of stuff and this car can’t be worse than the last car, can it?   The last car had me in a small cage under Daddy’s seat.   Daddy’s not here this time, which is unusual.  He’s always here, unless this is a kennel, but kennels have other dogs.   Then, I hear someone speaking in English (I don’t know Itali...

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“Puppy and Hell’s Fire” by James Offenha

We go back home and I throw away the brownies and pray the police don’t find them.  The fire’s still blazing in the front yard, like the menorah in Israel.  The fire department can’t do nothing and the police can’t stop the maniacs.  Then my phone rings:  Great.  It’s the city.  They want to know if it’s ok to come to my property, since they think they have an idea what might be causing this fucking fire.  I tell them, “Sure.  Come on over.  The firemen...

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“Puppy’s First Trick-Or-Treat” by James Offenha

Submitted to Contest #65

    It’s October 31st and I think if I take him trick-or-treating, it might help.   Unless the fire’ll go with him.   But, it’s October 31st, so we’ll give it a shot.  I hope we don’t find any of his worshippers.  Please God.  It’s nighttime, so the maniacs have dwindled.   So, I get his dog leash (he’s a dog, not a god), pillow cases, I get our three kids and the puppy (we still don’t have a name for this son-of-a-bitch), and head out the door.&nb...

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