I took J.C. outside for his afternoon walk. I couldn't go past the sidewalk or the mob would all try to touch J.C. because they think J.C. Stands for Jesus Christ. I should've named him Stupid. Nobody would want healing from a dog named, Stupid. But, that's his name: J.C. So, I was walking him in my yard, he smelled the same tree he always pees on and marked it as his again. And then, while we were walking, J.C. vanished into thin air. It was like a magician with slight of hand made J.C. vanish. I looked through the hole in his collar and nothing was there. I looked at his leash and looked at the idiots on my sidewalk. They must have done it. I don't know how they did it, but it had to be one of them.
So, I got close to the sidewalk and screamed: “Which one of you have him? Which one of you idiots stole him?”
They looked at me like a child who's been falsely accused of stealing candy.
“Well, which one? Who has J.C.?”
No one said anything. Then, one of the idiots said, “Maybe he's decided to visit his Father in Heaven”.
I shook my head. “Listen, people. J.C. Stands for James Charlie, James Charlie, not Jesus Christ. He's a dog. He sits, has accidents occasionally, but he's a dog. A dog. D.O.G. Dog. A stupid dog. Now, which one of you idiots dognapped him?”
Again, I see the blank stairs. So, I did what any rational person would do and I called the police.
In five minutes the policemen came and listened to me, patted down all the people, but found nothing. Then, they whispered to each other; the policemen. This is generally not a good sign. Then, they asked me the stupid psych questions:
“What's your name?”
“I'm Bob Phillis”.
They looked at my driver's license and it matched.
“What city and state are we in?”
“We're in Philidelphia, Pennsylvania. But, who cares? Which one of the idiots has J.C.?” I asked.
“Have you recently been to the hospital?" they ask.
"What? No. Why would I . . ." I ask.
Are you on any psyciatric medication right now?”
“What? No, I'm not crazy. These idiots on the sidewalk are. I don't need any psyche meds.”
Then, one of the policeman got a megaphone and asked if anyone else saw a dog vanish into thin air and most of the people standing near me raised their hands.
The two policemen then did something smart, they went to the neighbors who lived across the street from me and asked if they had webcams and a few of them did. Then, the policmen, I, and these goddamn born again Christians watched the videos. In every video we saw me, Bob, walk J.C. and J.C. disappear into thin air. One home owner even let the policemen watch the video in slow motion and it still showed J.C. disappearing into nothing.
Then, three groups of people came: 1) F.B.I. Agents who specialized in the abnormal, 2) Priests specializing in exorcisms 3) The media. I got along with the F.B.I. Agents, but the other two are driving me crazy. The priests are asking the crowd to realize my dog is the Second Coming of Jesus Christ and the Newscasters are asking if J.C. had ever done this before and if J.C. came back, could they interview him/Him.
“Sure, if you can find J.C., interview him all you want. Here's what he'll tell you: Woof. Woof. Bark, Bark. Now, let me talk to the F.B.I. so we can figure out where the hell J.C. is,” I said.
The F.B.I. asked if I had anything with J.C.'s scent on it. I gave them the blanket J.C. slept on every night. A blue and red blanket with small holes. The police then phoned to their base and sent bloodhounds specializing in finding scents. Great. Dogs finding other dogs. If only I had the smell of J.C.'s butt for these dogs.
But, the bloodhounds sniffed the blanket and started leading the way. They went past the sidewalk and the priests, the media, the F.B.I., and the psychos who think J.C. is Jesus Christ followed us. Then, after going into the forest the bloodhounds stopped at an unusual tree. The police used an app on the phone and discovered it was a Maidenhair Tree. I never heard of a Maidenhair Tree growing in Philidelphia, but I'd never heard of a dog curing a gallbladder before. The dogs weren't barking or putting their paws on the Maidenhair Tree, they just stood there like they were stoned and quit moving and quit sniffing.
I asked one of the policeman what this meant. He said he didn't know. Usually the dogs sniffed, found the scent, and barked and/or jumped. They'd never seen bloodhounds stop like this and didn't know what this meant.
I forgot to tell the reader I still had the empty leash in my hand with the empty collar. Then, the empty collar started pulling me up the tree. But, I thought only cats climbed trees, not dogs. I held on though on the off chance the leash would lead me to J.C. like the tail wagging the dog. Or maybe J.C. made himself invisible. But something dragged me to the top of the Maidenhair Tree and I heard a baritone voice say, “Do not force my return. Take the food out of my dog bowl and replace it with fresh chicken breast. Don't watch it, but allow me to return”.
I did this. I must be crazy. But, the policemen, priests, and crazy people heard it too. Then, leaving the bowl alone, I felt ectoplasm forming throughout the house and, from the side of my eye, saw J.C. materialize and eat his chicken breasts while wagging his tail. He materialized in his collar attached to his leash. Maybe J.C. just needed a bit of time to be free in this world or maybe the Maidenhair plant made him smarter than me.
So, I took J.C. to a priest, not for an exorcism, but for a second baptism. I named him, Stupid, so all these people would leave me alone. Needless to say, it didn't work. My phone won't stop ringing, my doorbell is going, but at least now, Stupid, is back home and if he ever does that again, he'll be a hungry Stupid. I love you, Stupid!!!