James Offenha

“Mommy” by James Offenha

Submitted to Contest #34

    She’s not going out anymore, yea!!   My mommy used to go out with Daddy for things like picking Daddy up from work, going out to eat, either by herself or with Daddy, but now, NOW, now she’s almost all mine, and I’m happy.  I’m so happy!!  I say almost ‘cause she says she’s still Daddy’s too.   Now, Daddy’s ok, I mean he gives me treats sometimes, but he doesn’t spend nearly as much time as Mommy does with me, he doesn’t massage as good as Mommy does  either,...

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“Weird Weather” by James Offenha

Submitted to Contest #33

I love going outside, so I go to the door and whine.  My master rolls his eyes,gets my leash, and clips my leash on my collar. I wag my tail.  He opens what he calls his P.O.S. [piece of shit] door and then I’m out.  I smell the different breeds of flowers, the scents of other dogs, the tree trunks, the dirt, everything.  This is nirvana.   I can explore my world, mark my territory, and just be myself.  Then, I see another dog, so I bark at it (this is my territory) and try to ...

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“Dog Doc” by James Offenha

Submitted to Contest #32

    I’m a vet, but no other vet does what I do, which is live animal trance mediumship.  My Veterinary Spiritual Dictionary defines trance as, “Being under the direct hypnotic control of an animal Influence,” It defines “Mediumship” as “the process by which an individual veterinarian acts as a channel for the animal spirit influences,” and X-Ray Clairvoyance as “a foyrm of clairvoyance which partakes of the X-Ray and seems to be objective. The vet that possesses this power is able to see the physical inside anim...

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“Not Always Easy” by James Offenha

Submitted to Contest #31

And then he left, and now, I’m alone and the tv’s off.  Crap.  My name is Fluf.  I wake up.  Well, my man wakes me up, takes me outside, and brings me in, and I fall asleep with my Sweetheart (not my man).   Then, my man takes me to work and he still doesn’t understand what I do.   I’m the Security Guard.  I tell my man, but he doesn’t understand.  Some ladies can relate.  I’m also small.  So, I’m stuck here and I need to get home to...

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“Dreamland” by James Offenha

Submitted to Contest #30

Mommy and Daddy own a waterbed, which is supported by a wooden bottom, with drawers on each side, but between the drawers is a one foot by one foot door, which can’t be opened with my paw, but I’m working on getting in, even though Mommy and Daddy don’t want me to, which is why they closed the door. I try scratching the door and smelling the door. I can’t get in by scratching, but I smell it and it smells like burnt umber. Sometimes I use my nose to try to open the door, and one time I almost wedged it open, but then Mommy said it...

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““The D Word”” by James Offenha

Submitted to Contest #29

I’m scared.  My name is Ralph and I’m scared.  Mommy and Daddy are yelling at each other more lately and they’ve even mentioned something called, “the D word”.  They don’t think I know what, “the D word” is, but I do.  I do.  “The D word” is dog.  See, I’m a Pomeranian and they don’t have any real children, so I’m their child, and they used to pet me and play with me, but now Mike and Helena only pet me after they argue and cry and they never pet me together anymore.  One ...

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“Our Son” by James Offenha

Submitted to Contest #28

We call him our son, but he’s not. Not really. He’s Falfa. Just Falfa and Falfa’s a good dog. We taught him to beg, play dead, roll over, stay, heel. The usual stuff people teach their dogs. But, I don’t tell Susan the truth, even though she knows it. Even though in her heart of hearts she already knows it. She knows it. I know it. It’s one of those things like your wife’s weight, which you know, but you don’t speak about. You know. One of those things. So, we get up, I wa...

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“Twelve Fangry Men” by James Offenha

She killed her, figuratively speaking. After all, she’s only a dachshund.  But, Susie, the human, was walking home on the sidewalk and I had Fannie (the dog) on a leash in my garage and Fannie’s collar slipped off and she bit Susie. So, my, Ralph’s, defense is Susie was on private property and Fannie was simply protecting our property. I have the lease for this house and Fannie is a resident. Fannie has the right to protect her home.   Thankfully, she’d just gone to the vet and gotten her rabies vaccines, b...

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“What’s in a name?” by James Offenha

Submitted to Contest #26

     I started out as Fluffy.  When I was born, my first owner called me Fluffy.  i was born in a puppy mill.  They put an ad in the paper and I waited.  The people who put me in the box with the other puppies kept telling me, “You’re a good dog, Fluffy,” and when I had accidents in the box, they’d clean the box with wet paper towels.  I’m with all my brothers and sisters though.   One day, a young boy named, Paul, came to the pet store and petted me and my ...

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“New Year’s Resolution ” by James Offenha

⭐️ Shortlisted for Contest #25

It’s January 3rd. I sat down, since I was told to, and started rethinking my New Year’s Resolutions. I went through them one by one and considered whether or not I’d really keep them: I need to convince Mommy and Daddy to take me to the doctor, even though I’m afraid. They’re giving me 2 treats in the morning and since they’ve started doing that, the pain in my legs has gotten better, but it still hurts. I think maybe they should give me three treats and it isn’t just because I enjoy the treats, it’s because the second tr...

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“Doggone It” by James Offenha

Submitted to Contest #24

I woke up and I was a dog. I was riding along my horse last night, but this morning, I went to bathe in the local pond and my reflection was clearly a dog. And not just any kind of dog, a Maltese. Great. I see my horse tied up to the porch post and wonder how to untie her (her name is Beau) and how I’m going to get all these here cattle to California in five month. Why a Maltese? At least if I was a Great Dane I might have a shot.   My clothes of course don’t fit. They’re still laying beside the lake s...

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“Chihuahua Fur” by James Offenha

Submitted to Contest #23

We’re in a car on a highway and I don’t know where we’re going. What I do know is as we drive there are less trees with big leaves and coconuts and more trees with no leaves. I never knew there were trees without leaves. But, maybe all these trees are dead. We’re in a car and going in mostly one direction. There are big signs in the middle above us and I don’t care about those. What I do care about are the different shade of gray (everything is gray) signs on the right side of the highway. If I see one...

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“Donor” by James Offenha

Submitted to Contest #22

    Our grant contract for 2020 wasn’t renewed.  We tried calling the media, we tried fundraisers like getting 10% of sales  in restaurants, we tried begging for extensions, but we’re too late.   Our grant expires on January 1, 2020 and it’s December 31, 2019, unless we get $10,000 by midnight, we’ll have to close our doors, and we have 237 dogs and 56 cats.  We called NPR stations to make announcements, we had news articles written, “Animal shelters closing, loving dogs and ca...

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“Dog Suite Dog” by James Offenha

It was a great idea before bringfido.com/: Dog Suite Dog: We’re a five-star canine resort equipped with a pool (if the dogs want), hot tub (if the dogs want), regular beds, steps to get on and off the beds, and other luxuries. They can sleep in the beds with the other dogs they live with and their masters can then go on vacation guilt free. We’re here twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week and if there’s an emergency, we have the owners contact number, a vet number, and a twenty-four hour emergency vet number. We tuck...

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“Doggy’s Day Out” by James Offenha

Well, she lost hold of my leash, so I’m finally free. My master was taking me for a walk and I saw a hot young bitch without a collar or leash, so I chased after her. The young dame tried to run away and my master called after me, but thank God I was never neutered so we can still have pups. My master kept running, if you could even call it running, but I have strong legs and was long gone trying to catch this young bitch. And I did. I cornered her, mounted her, and was finally able to release myself into a young bit...

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