Daniel Barnhart

“I Really Wish She Wasn't A Lesbian” by Daniel Barnhart

                  I Really Wish She Wasn’t A Lesbian           Ever since my dad took me to see Austin Powers, The Spy Who Shagged Me, I became burdened with a high sex drive. Austin Powers with his crooked teeth and hairy chest. He slept with the sexy Russian spy Ivanna Humpalot and he still went home to Cameron Diaz. What a guy! My dad should have realized he had a problem with his quadriplegic son...

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“A little monkey business” by Daniel Barnhart

A LITTLE MONKEY BUSINESS Inside the George Washington Hospital emergency room, I opened my eyes for the first time. It was as if I were stepping out of some primordial haze. How did I get here? The last thing I remembered was that I was on my honeymoon with Jane. Looking down at all the wires connected to me, I wondered, did we get into a car accident? I could overhear a man talking to another man saying, “Max, the President has woken up.” This left me confused. The craziest thing that I have ever been noted for was helping a chimp named Bo...

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“Winnie's Letter” by Daniel Barnhart

Submitted to Contest #141

Winnie's letter John made a policy to never respond to the authors complaints after he gave them a negative review in the magazine. When he was a young journalist, he would make it a point to respond to every gripe, complaint or editorial mistake. Nothing he said would ever seem to calm anyone down. Heavy Is the Man Who Wears the Crown was a trusted magazine for pseudo-intellectuals to bond over the newest craze. Pseudo-intellectual people have always needed an intercessor to help them understand high concepts. Where the Israelites had Moses...

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“I never even told her I loved her” by Daniel Barnhart

Submitted to Contest #138

                                               I Never Even Told Her I Loved Her.Monica is an up-and-coming disabled comedian. She is in her late 20s. She has multiple sclerosis. She uses a power chair to get around. She is on a ventilator. She has palsy in her face and has a constant resting bitch face. She's ...

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“THE TURING POINT BY DANIEL BARNHART” by Daniel Barnhart

Submitted to Contest #82

n the beginning there was light. That's how I start off the telling of peace and prosperity for my time. It was a time of discovery and innovation. All the best and brightest minds gathered in Silicon Valley to attempt to solve the problem of humanity. I believe that we gave up on ourselves with the invention of the computer. The computer promised a brave New World. The computer could be programmable. Just like humanity developed language over time, so too did the computer. Originally, this language was used to teach the computer to play che...

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