Amore Mio

I decided to walk home from work today instead of taking my usual commute. Spring had finally rolled in, and the evenings had started to brighten up. A modest breeze still lingered in the air as if it were on its way to leave, like the rest of winter. It seemed to get colder as I grew older, and the snow barely sticks around nowadays. Despite that, spring was always a delightful time for me. Ever so beautiful and elegant, it was my favorite time of the year. In the past, I had chosen to walk back home instead of taking the subway many times during these months. I had seen the city evolve in the previous twenty years since I moved out here, and oftentimes I enjoyed taking a brisk walk in my solitude, observing people, young and old, going by their days. 

Today, however, I had a different reason to take this route. I had to stop by a florist shop to pick up some flowers. Today was me and my wife’s 15th anniversary. Usually, we would plan out our anniversaries weeks in advance, preparing for fancy dates or vacations. This year, however, was a bit different. 

On the way to the florist, I walked by Amore Mio, an Italian restaurant where I and April, my wife, had our very first date seventeen years ago. We had been there many times ever since, but the first time was special. Back then, we were both studying at the university and had met each other because we were grouped together for a lab. Initially, we only spent time together in class, but since our other two group partners were too busy skipping lab, me and April got the opportunity to spend time together without interruptions. While I had started admiring her fairly early on, it took me until the last week of the semester to build up enough courage to ask her on a date. I was over the moon when she agreed to go out with me, and I knew exactly where I was taking her. I still remember how, back then, I barely had enough money to afford such an outing, but I was adamant about planning otherwise.

The following summer, we spent a great deal of time together exploring the city. Both of us had moved from different states for school and bonded a lot from traversing through various streets and alleys. Once the next semester started, we were in a committed relationship. 

Before we realized it, two years had gone by, and both of us had graduated. Upon graduation, we decided to move in together in a small apartment in the city. That apartment was our first home together, and we spent weeks decorating it and personalizing it with picture frames, paintings, lights, and flowers.

Daisies. April’s favorite flowers were daisies. Every year on this day, I would pick up the same bouquet of daisies from the same florist for April, and every year I would see the most beautiful smile blossom on her face. It was tradition at this point. The first time I got her these flowers was a day that I’ve never forgotten. It was the dawn of spring, and we were picnicking in a neighboring park when I got a bouquet of daisies for her. By the end of that date, she had done something that I had never expected. She proposed to me. It had no doubt caught me off guard. It was nothing dramatic where she leaned on her knees in public or anything, but rather that she clarified that she was serious about me. About us. I had been thinking of proposing to her myself around this time, but I was too nervous to bring it up to her. Looking back at it now, I’m still unsure what I was so worried about.

Our wedding day has still been the most wonderful day of my life. Watching her walk down the aisle in her marvelous wedding dress as the white veil flowed behind her has been the most beautiful glimpse my eyes have ever laid sight upon. April was nothing less than a princess in that moment, and that was the beginning of our fairytale.

In a few moments, I reached the florist and picked up the bouquet. After that, I decided to extend my walk back home by strolling through a nearby park that held so many memories for me and April. It was refreshing to get away from the frantic city life and retreat within a natural enclosure. It was always much slower in the parks, as the rush of the city always dissolved, causing a greater sense of peace among the people. Everybody walked much slower, sat more comfortably, and interacted more merrily here. 

Some of the moments I’ve cherished the most are the late-night walks I’ve had with April. Walking under the moonlight, hand in hand, as the crickets chirped from the darkness, it brought a sense of silence and calmness to me. I felt very comfortable in those moments. Such walks usually consisted of April gossiping about her friend's lives or catching me up on the latest TV dramas while I listened. 

One particular night, we were out on a walk under the dark sky when April stopped me. She was very quiet the whole walk, even the whole day, and I knew something was unusual. She tightened the grip on my hand as I met her eyes, and I could already see the tears flowing down her cheek. I took her to a nearby bench, and then she revealed to me how she had started to detest her job. Furthermore, she had realized that she was in the wrong career altogether but thought it was too late in her life to make any major changes. April talked to me for a long time on that bench, going through all the thoughts and emotions while I listened. When it started getting late, I took April to a nearby ice cream shop, where I told her that no matter what decision she made, I was going to support her because her happiness was the most important matter to me. 

It took much longer than we anticipated, but after switching careers, April was able to become an elementary school teacher. It took her four years to attain that, and there were plenty of rough nights within these years, and only us two knew what we had gone through. From financial issues to a lack of time together, we faced all sorts of conflicts. However, in the end, when I saw the smiles and heard the laughter April sparked when she achieved her goals and the joy she expressed with her new career, I knew it was all worth it. 

April really loved her new job. She adored kids. All the kids admired her a lot as well. Not only was she charismatic and inspiring, but she also knew how to handle a group of kids very well. We had talked about having kids ourselves as well. We often saw dads playing catch with their young ones or moms riding their babies in strollers when we walked in the park together. When we were eventually financially stable and held secure jobs, we decided to move out of our small apartment and extend our family. Having kids was a frightening thought at first. We didn’t know how to be parents, and we were afraid of making mistakes. Though, in reality, nobody knows anything and every parent makes mistakes. Ultimately, we decided we were ready to be parents.

After a couple of months of trying and gaining no results, we ended up consulting a specialist. It felt like I got stabbed in the heart with a million daggers when I received the report stating that I was sterile. Back then, our options were limited, and knowing that it was most likely impossible to gain an offspring of my own blood impacted me severely. Following this news, I fell into a deep state of sadness and desolation. We had already started imagining names for our baby. We had already started looking at new homes to move into. We had already started dreaming of having two daughters, while April also wanted a son. Our dreams were crushed. We tried looking at different options, such as adopting, but we weren’t prepared for that. Both me and April had struggled with our emotions around this time, and our apartment had become a melancholic chamber. The thought of never being able to become a father had made me miserable, and it crushed me. 

A few months later, April surprised me with Bonnie. Bonnie was a two-year-old golden retriever that April had adopted. Bonnie entered our lives as a ray of sunshine. It is stunning how much of a difference Bonnie was able to bring to our lives. Happiness had started to sparkle in our home with beams of laughter that could be heard once again. She loved all the belly rubs, the snotty kisses, and the neck scratches. The sheer joy on her face as soon as we came back home from work was a treasure I have always cherished. Bonnie even joined us on our evening walks, and she joined us on our late-night food runs. We moved to a bigger home, and our lives had never been better. They were the happiest days of my life. Our family felt complete.

Our neighbor had two dogs of his own and took care of Bonnie whenever the house was empty. I picked up Bonnie from the neighbor’s house. With Bonnie alongside me and the bouquet still in my hands, we made our way to April. The churchyard was completely empty at the time we arrived. We made our way through the stones and the grass. Bonnie always got gloomy whenever we came here. Tears started rolling down my eyes as well when we reached April’s grave.

It has been a year since April’s death occurred. She was on her way to visit her parents when she lost her life in a car accident. When I found out about the incident, my heart was shattered. I had never cried as hard as I did that night. Why did it happen to her? What wrong had she done? How is it fair? 

It has been a long and very difficult year for me. I was depressed to the point where even getting out of bed felt pointless. I had a million questions lingering inside my head without any answers. It started affecting my job, my relationships, and my health. The world is very cruel for expecting one to wake up the next day, the next week, or even the next month and then continue with their lives. It will get easier with time, they said. You’ll move on eventually, they said. Lies. Walking in our empty home, I can never forget her. From her tiny hair ties to her empty dinner chair, it all reminded me of her. We lived and learned as life threw curves at us. We had joy, and we had hurt. 

Even a year later, I cannot stop thinking of her. On certain days, I’d smile about the days that once were. On other days, I’d weep about the days that were now gone. I have realized that what I treasure the most are the memories that we have together. It is those moments, whether they make me cry or they make me laugh, that I’ll cherish forever. I have found acceptance in the lives we lived. In the laughter, we echoed. In the sorrow, we cried. In the memories we shared, I would do it all again. I will continue to laugh and cry in her memory because I will never stop loving her.