Freedom

It was a moment Eris thought she’d never be able to experience again, but she was determined. The sun blazed in the sky, but the grass felt cold as it curled beneath her toes. She felt the heaviness of the blood pumping hard through the legs she had barely used for three years. She leaned her body weight on the crutches her fingers desperately clasped around, and gently pushed herself forward. Each wobbly step only moved her an inch, but she knew that an inch forward was better than staying still.

“It’s been so long since I’ve felt the sun on my face,” she said. She closed her eyes and breathed in through her nose. Taking a quick second to savour the moment.

“I knew you could do it. Not far now,” Bobby said.

She could feel his presence close behind her. Each small step she took, he copied, and she felt safer because of it. She knew that if she fell he would be there to catch her, like he always had been.

Inch by inch she struggled, persistent, until she could see the ocean ahead, and the coolness of the grass beneath her feet changed to the warmth of golden sand. She had to work even harder moving forward after she tossed her crutches behind her and onto the grass. Bobby rushed to her side, he slid his fingers between hers and the familiarity of his strong grasp motivated her to carry on. She liked that he wasn’t disgusted by her perspiring hands and sweaty brow. He had always been her reason for carrying on, especially during those moments she felt like giving up. Like when life had lost its meaning, he gave reason to her suffering.

She wanted to run and jump in the ocean. The urge was overwhelming. Just like she had the past three years, she felt trapped inside her body. The body that had betrayed her and kept her bedbound. It had ruined all of her plans and shattered her dreams, held her prisoner with no promise of release.

“Do you remember that day?” she said. She breathed heavy, her lungs working harder than they had in a long time.

“You proposed right there.”

Bobby looked to where she pointed straight ahead at the water's edge, and smiled in memory. “Of course. How could I forget?”

Eris pressed on and was overcome with emotion when she reached the water. The lapping waves crashed gently and pooled at her feet. The sound hissed in her ears. She leaned on Bobby’s shoulder as he knelt down in front of her and rolled up his trousers to his knees.

“I used to always want to come back here, and glad we finally did,” she said.

When Bobby stood back up she stepped forward, her feet fully submerged in the cold salt water. She curled her toes and smiled until the bitterness wore off and she could take another step forward. The ocean looked welcoming, a dark mystery that glistened and glittered under the sun.

“I’m sorry we didn’t come here sooner,” Bobby said. He clasped her hand tighter in an effort to comfort her, to make the whole trip easier on her.

She shrugged and smiled out at the horizon. “Life always gets in the way. Silly things that don’t matter in the long term always seem to take priority over living.”

Bobby sighed. “I wish we’d taken more time to enjoy these things. Do the things you wanted to do earlier.”

“You promised me you were going to let go of that guilt. We weren’t to know what was going to happen.”

“I just wish I’d been home more. I wish we’d done everything we dreamed of when we were kids.”

Eris looked around at the empty beach. It Brought back memories of them stealing her father’s campervan when they were seventeen, wearing flares, and driving cross country, accidentally stumbling upon the beach they now stood on.

“Being trapped in that bedroom, sick, in that bed for three years has taught me a lot. As much as it ripped my life apart, it gave me something else in return. A gift.”

“What gift could this illness possibly give you?” He frowned at Eris. His forehead crinkled, giving away his age.

“Im grateful for things others take for granted until they’re taken away, like walking, cooking, being outside. I feel more compassion. More patient. I feel empathy in a way I never could before. I cherish special moments like this. The small things.”

Eris took another small step forward while Bobby smiled down admirably at her. The cold water sloshed against her knees. Like a sponge the material of her khaki trousers darkened as it soaked.

“You’re so strong. Its been hard watching you suffer.”

“I couldn’t have survived without you.” She lifted his hand up to her mouth and kissed his knuckles. “Thank you.”

Bobby pulled her into a hug. She rested her head on his chest, hearing his heart beating faster than it should have. His breaths were ragged, like he had just been running. She knew she’d miss him more than anyone or any thing. The silly ways he would make her laugh when she was down. How he’d sit up half the night cradling her while she cried in pain, wishing for death to put her out of her misery. Where her body had given up on her, he never did.

She lay against him, squeezing him one last time before she let go, and took another small step forward. The sun warmed the bare skin on her arms. She felt clammy from the walk, her body only cooling the further out to sea she went.

She bent her knees, the water covered her hips, then her stomach, up to her chest. She gathered what little energy her body had and she used it to push her feet hard against the sand, propelling herself forward. The water made her feel weightless. There was no struggling or fight to walk. No battle with herself.

“I love you,” Bobby said from the edge of the water.

Eris smiled. “I love you too.” She rolled onto her back, letting the water carry her weight. She kicked her legs gently and splashed with her arms, keeping herself afloat. She felt young and free again. She was no longer trapped, living day to day in a life that had no meaning.

She squinted through watering eyes to block out the sun and look up at the sky, admiring each shade of blue. The ocean carried her body with little effort, letting her be still, to live in the moment, to enjoy it while she could. She used to love the ocean. All she had to do was wait for the water to swallow her, to take her last breath.