I saunter over to the luggage by the door. I just know they’re leaving. Mom and Dad scurry around. Mom has a to-do list in hand, and Dad just finished moving a backpack to the door. I circle around a few times before finally sinking to the ground with an exasperated sigh… not facing Dad. An act of rebellion! That will show them!
My nose rests on my paws, and I stare expectantly at Mom in the kitchen, waiting for her to catch my gaze. Her mom senses must have been tingling, because her eyes finally meet mine. She always has a way of knowing when I’m trying to get her attention.
“Bruce,” she says lovingly. She smiles, then patters over to me and gives my head a little massage. She crouches down, and I turn to my back, paws out and tail wagging excitedly. She rewards me with belly rubs, but her gaze softens, as if remembering someone… or something… else. Her touch feels nice in the moment, but as soon as she stops and goes back to what she was doing, I’m reminded of the dread to come.
I can’t help but mull in my thoughts. Is she thinking of Walter?
Ah, the great Walter who I replaced. I’ve heard so much about Walter, I could probably write a book on him. I wonder if they miss Walter as much as I miss them when they leave. Sometimes, I wonder if they really see me at all.
Suddenly, I feel silly with my legs in the air. I roll back over, with determination this time. My ears flop to either side of my head, in true Basset Hound style, and I can’t help but resume pacing around the house nervously. I watch Mom and Dad talk, not quite making out what they’re saying. A belly rub here, a belly rub there... I know that they love me, but I’m going crazy!
I gaze over at Winnie, whose primary location is usually on her bed in the living room. I see her there, snoring softly. I have always thought that she is the epitome of a true Basset. She loves sleeping and doesn’t seem to have a care in the world.
How can she sleep knowing that Mom and Dad are leaving soon?!
Her eyes open barely enough to register my nervous shuffling.
“Bruce, they’re coming back,” Winnie reassures me. “They always come back.”
“What if they don’t?” I ask nervously.
Winnie sighs, then closes her eyes again. “They will. Trust me.”
Easy for her to say! I think to myself. Winnie isn’t the replacement dog!
She doesn’t completely understand what I’ve been through. Mom & Dad have had her since she was a puppy, and she’s been in their home ever since. She doesn’t understand what it’s like to come from another home, from the first family that I thought I would be with forever.
I shudder at my own memories of being left behind. The first humans that brought me into their home were so kind. I loved them, and they loved me… or so I thought. One day, without warning, they drove me to another house and left me there! No explanation. I was naïve then, you see… I didn’t have any inkling of doubt that I would ever be abandoned like that. It stung. It was unexpected. And it clearly left a mark that I’m still struggling with now.
Mom and Dad found me soon after. Although they’ve been the best parents a dog could ask for, I can’t help but lose it when I catch a whiff of them going away again.
The first time Mom and Dad went away after I came here, I panicked. Winnie tried to calm me down to no avail; I barked until my throat felt scratchy, then stared out the gate expectantly for hours. When their daughter Julie came to check on us, I couldn’t help but pace nervously. She tried to comfort me, but it wasn’t the same.
“You need to relax!” Winnie chastised. “They’ll come back. They always do.”
She was right, and she still is. Mom and Dad always come back, but that sick feeling in my tummy always comes back when I see the luggage at the door.
Sometimes, I wonder if it would be different if I was more like Walter. Everyone loved him. Walter was courageous and bold… the kind of dog that would chase off a bear if he had to (or so Winnie says). He had a special way of making everyone feel loved.
But… me? I’m just clumsy, anxious Bruce who was left behind by my first family. I’m no hero. I’m no legend. I’m just a dog trying to fit into a story that isn’t really his.
“You’re not Walter,” Winnie has tried to reassure me. “And that’s okay. You don’t have to be Walter. They love you just the way you are. Trying to be him won’t make you happy.”
I want to believe her. After being abandoned before, though, it makes me wonder if I’m worthy of love. Am I so unlovable that Mom and Dad forget about me, just like my first family did?
Julie normally stays with us when Mom and Dad leave. She’s sweet and attentive, making sure that Winnie and I have everything we need when she stays. When she leaves, though, my worry returns. I can’t help but stare out the gate, awaiting her arrival. What if she doesn’t come back? What if they all forget about me? Winnie tells me I’m acting crazy. She doesn’t understand.
When Julie comes back, I greet her like she’s been gone for days! She always has a smile on her face when she sees me waiting at the gate. For a while, the worry subsides. The warmth of her presence makes me feel loved again, like I’m worth coming back to.
I love Julie, but when Mom and Dad return, it’s like the world shifts back in place. The moment that I hear their truck in the driveway, I sprint out the door – I’m hardly able to contain my excitement! Winnie follows too. Even she can’t hide the happy wagging of her tail!
Whenever they return from a trip, they both smell like they’ve been to faraway places… but the lingering scent of home remains on them.
In these moments, the fear of being left behind goes away. The house feels like home again. Everything is as it should be. I follow Mom and Dad from room to room, making sure they’re staying for good this time.
Their return was different this time, though. As the lights go out and I’m in bed for the night, I realize: I’ll never be Walter… and that’s okay. I’ll always be Bruce, the dog that came after. But what matters is that I’m the dog here, right now… and that’s enough.
The fear of being left behind is still there, whenever they leave. It doesn’t feel that big anymore, though. I love my life. Mom and Dad chose me to be here. I’m Bruce, and that’s enough.
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