Outdoor Café

I squinted my eyes as I looked at him, making sure it’s actually him that I see. What are the chances he would be here on a Sunday afternoon, at an outdoor café, 20 minutes from his house? The café that just so happens to be on the same street he knows I work at. Doesn’t he realize that the thoughts of him don’t just disappear and the words he said don’t just go away? Even as I step into my office, I can still picture him sitting at the table, slowly drinking his caramel latte that he gets every day. 

The picture of him doesn’t leave my head and neither does his voice that I haven’t heard in months. I do think about going up and talking to him, but why waste my breath? What would that do for me? Absolutely nothing. My shift isn’t going to be the same now that he’s on my mind. Now that everything is crashing back down onto me. Why did he have to be here? Did he notice I was there? Did he actually know that I had work today? Or is it all in my head? 

Even though I'm now struggling to keep up with my work now that he’s been implanted back into my thoughts, I'm not really complaining. I guess some things aren’t really meant to be. We were just one of those things. One of those things that the universe just didn’t allow. One of the many decisions that I didn’t agree with. 

Seeing him sitting there, almost unbothered with the universe’s decision of keeping us apart hurt undoubtedly. Why do I even care? I should be moved on by now just like I think he has. But there hasn’t been one guy since him, even though I know there’s been many girls since me. It’s hard to let go of something that tied a double knot around your heart. 

~6 Months Ago~

The light shining through the windows woke me up. I groan and sit up to see him still sound asleep next to me. I kiss him softly on the cheek and get up to go make him breakfast, only to hear him shuffle around a little bit and say my name. He opens his eyes to see me out of bed and opening the door to leave his room.

“Come back to bed, I don’t wanna get up” he says and he makes me laugh a little bit to myself. “Not even for pancakes?” I ask back. He rubs his eyes and puts his face in his hands. “Not even for pancakes.” he mumbled. “I find that hard to believe.”

I walk out to his kitchen and grab the pancake mix. I make sure to get the chocolate chips and measure out extra just the way he likes it. As I turn the stove on, a strong set of arms wrap around my waist and pull me closer. “Look who decided to wake up.” I laugh and he turns around and kisses me. “Shut up”. I don’t know what it is about him that makes me go absolutely insane.

~Present~

Unfortunately for me, the café that he is sitting at is in fact the café I spend my break at. So I can either go down there and pretend he doesn’t exist, or hope he isn’t there. Or I can always just not go at all, but where’s the fun in that? 

The café looks dead now and he’s nowhere to be found from the outside. Thank god because I was not looking forward to any sort of confrontation. I make my way inside and order my sandwich and coffee. It’s a small café, it’s more treated as a coffee shop than anything. It helps give me a different and quiet spot to do work though so it’s definitely a need. 

The worker gives me my coffee and sandwich and I drop my extra change in her tip jar. I make my way over to an empty table and sit down with my laptop and food. Oh what a decision that was. I look over my laptop screen to see him sitting a few tables away. He’s reading. He was always into reading, I don’t know how. I only read when I have to. He said it gave him some sort of escape from reality, whatever that meant.

~4 Months Ago~

“You remind me of a book character,” he says. I look at him. “How so?” He adjusts himself on the park bench to look at me. “You always seem to know exactly what to say and you’re always on your own time. It’s like you just see problems as little bumps in the road that are so easy for you to get over. I just don’t know how you do it.”

I kiss him and smile. He’s always so poetic and he’s saying I know all of the right words to say. It’s as if he knows exactly what situations are going to happen and what I'm going to say about them. Like he has a little script he keeps in the back of his mind written by the best authors that he just reads from. 

“What’s your favorite book?” I ask. “You are. I want to be in each and every chapter and study each and every page.”

See what I mean?

~Present~

I try not to look at him too much but I can’t help it. It’s as if each and every memory of us were displayed in front of me. I used to think that we turned into parallel lines, people that would never meet again, always a distance apart. Unreachable almost. But here he is, right in front of me, yet we are the same distance apart since the last "I love you". I guess I was staring for a little bit too long because he lifted his head and his eyes met mine. God I missed those eyes. 

They’re still the same cobalt eyes that calmed me down and looked at me like I was the only thing he ever saw. Part of me wishes those eyes were still there to guide me, but they aren’t, and they never again will be. I look back down at my laptop, and take a sip of my coffee. 

~3 Months Ago~

It’s the middle of the night and I’m driving to my sister’s house. We broke up. And I don’t know how else to handle this, and I know for sure I can’t do it without my built-in best friend. I’m not even crying, just numb. Nothing big even happened between us really, we just decided it wasn’t for the best. But how can I keep going through life without him? The life that we were supposed to live out together? 

~Present~

It’s probably not the best decision to stay here before something happens that shouldn’t. It’s about to be the end of my break anyway. I make my way back to my office and sit down at my desk. A large window sits in front of my desk overlooking the busy street below. The tall, dark-haired man walks out of the café and back down the street. I let out the deep breath that I've been holding in for the past minute. Part of me wishes he would make his way towards my office building door, but he doesn’t, and he disappears behind a corner. 

The night came quick and I’m now at home laying down, wrapped in the bed sheets he used to sleep in. My mind full of thoughts doesn’t stop spinning. Sometimes I can’t tell what’s worse, a mind full of thoughts, or a mind with none. Right now, it’s just full of memories. Not even just about him, but about everything since him. I wonder if he feels the same loss as I do. I wonder if his thoughts blended with mine as our eyes lingered to each other. Did the memories flood back to him too?

As much as I try to push him away, I can’t. Just thinking about him makes me upset. It makes me realize I lost my best friend. I pick up my phone, and type in his name. I stupidly bring myself back into an endless circle, I hesitate, and then text him. “Hey.”