Sakura : Season of life

I ran across the street to reach Sobo Rikai's Floral shop. There are many florists across Tokyo. But Sobo Rikai's flowers are different. Sobo Rikai is not my biological grandma. But she is the only one I've ever known. She is the only family I've had.

"Ai!" she called, her mouth and eyes smiling. "Sobo!" I smiled back, waving. "So, what brings you to me so early in the morning, Shin'ainaru?" She asks.

"Nothing," I say, letting all the truth spill in my voice.

"Shimizu Ai" She addresses me by my full name.

"Sobooo..." I let my word hang in the air.

"So who is..."

She doesn't end her sentence. Her eyes suddenly go wide, and she falls to the floor. Just falls. 

...

I wake up with a start. Again

It is the same dream again and again. 

It is 52 weeks since Sobo Rikai died. And every night since I only dream of one thing. The day Sobo Rikai fell dead on the floor. Her death hits me like a wave every day. Some days it just washes salt over my legs. Most days, it drowns me. But there is not one day when it doesn't hit me. 

It is Hanami. And it was Hanami when Sobo Rikai died.

Hanami used to be my favorite time of the year. 

Sobo Rikai and I used to enjoy the Sakura festival every year since I was five. I still remember the day Sobo Rikai found me. Or the day I found Sobo Rikai. She said she chose me from the parade of children in the orphanage - not because I was the saddest but because I was the happiest. And when I asked her why. She said, "I had very little to give you, Ai...You were the happiest when you had nothing. Imagine how happy you could get with a bit of love. And now see how happy you are."

I walk down the lane full of sakura trees lighting my way. I smile, remembering how these trees once made me feel joy instead of hurt.

I have tried to live after Sobo died. But it gets difficult every passing day. 

Sobo taught me everything. Everything to survive and live. But she forgot to teach me how to live without her. 

I pass by Sobo's Floral shop. Everything inside me breaks once more all over again. The flowers she had displayed outside stood withered and dry and dead. It was a contrast to the bright and lively sakura trees that stood beside it.

I refused to let anyone empty the shop after her. And I refused to let anyone run it other than her. And I refused to go inside without her.

I sprint passing the shop. 

I make my way to the southern part of Tokyo. 

There are very few Sakuras on the outskirts of Tokyo. The trees in there are green and dark brown. Ueno Sakura Matsuri starts tonight. And I want to be as far as I can from it.

I find the lake Sobo hates and place myself at its banks. Sobo hates this lake because she almost lost me here. I accidentally fell into the lake just weeks after she had found me. If Sobo had not dived and pulled me up to the surface, I would have died that day. I came here because every other thing is close to life. This one reminds me of death. It takes me closer to Sobo. I take my Sketchpad out and open the first page. I curse. I bought the one already filled with drawings. I flip through it and stop at the last page. I stare at Sobo Rekai's soft and sweet face. Tears wet my eye. Slowly it rolls down my cheeks. The salt stings a bit. I keep staring. Sobo's warm brown eyes smile at me. My blue eyes pour more water out of it. And it breaks. I sob. I scream. I cry. I shout. I wail. I fall. I fall into the water. 

Did I mention I never learned to swim because I was too afraid of the water? 

I splash, but I sink deeper. I try to move upwards, but the water pulls me down. I do everything I remember about swimming. I cry, but water fills my lungs.

I give up. I stop fighting. I let the water consume me. 

That minute so close to death - I felt alive. 

That's when I heard it. I heard Sobo Rekai. 

"If you can let yourself die so easily, then don't live at all, Ai. Push harder. Try harder. There's always something to live for, Ai. Push your legs up. There's always yourself to live for, Ai. Push, Ai. Harder. Faster. You have so much more to live for."

It was the exact words she told me when I was five. It was what she said when I fell into the lake for the first time. 

I push. I push harder and faster. I try. I push. And my lungs find air. I take big breaths. I lay breathless on the banks. It was still the same quietness. There was no evidence that I had almost died in the same lake twice. And both times, Sobo Rikai saved me. Once alive and once dead. I stand up, my clothes dripping water. My hands carry the sketch pad. My legs find a path I was dreading taking.

I open Sobo Rikai's floral shop. Dead flowers lay all around. The smell of death kissed my face. I don't know what I was searching for. But I began searching. I pulled out the drawers. I went through the old papers. 

I searched for a photo. I searched for a letter. I searched for a live flower. I searched for hope. I searched for strength. I searched for a piece of Sobo's soul. I searched for me.

But I found nothing. 

I sit there on the floor with dust and ash. 

Ueno Sakura Matsuri must have started an hour ago, but I still can't find it in me to enjoy it. I breathe. 

I close the shop and let my legs carry me wherever it wants to go.

I find myself standing in front of Ueno Sakura Matsuri. I don't step inside. I sit by the lake beside it. My feet touch the water. I guess I have a thing for lakes now. I get lost in thought.

The flowers of Sakura fall to the ground slowly, then all at once. 

Joy rained everywhere. It was like I was a dried flower in a bouquet.

The night grew in. Lights burned the orchard. The pink flowers looked like light fire in the lamps. As I sat staring at the lake, an old lady, the same age as Sobo, sat beside me. 

"Ai..." She said. I gagged. 

"How do you know me, obasan?" I ask

"Yamada Rikai was my best friend, Ai." She said.

The sound of Sobo's name filled my eyes with tears again.

"She was like a sister to me. I have watched you grow, Ai-Chan. She wouldn't want you crying and wasting your life after she is gone. She would've wanted you to live, Ai. Rikai used to say, 'If you can let yourself die so easily, then don't live at all.' Don't disappoint her, Ai-chan. Live. Stop surviving. Start living." She expressed.

"But it's so difficult, obasan. Every day I wake up thinking I will start living today. And I end up searching for Sobo Rikai again. I want something of her, Obasan. A piece of her. But she left me nothing." I whined.

"She left you everything, Ai-chan. She spent every waking thought on you. She made you Ai. She lives among you. She lives in you. She lives with you."

I catch my breath.

"Let me show you something," She said, beckoning me to follow her.

I get up and follow her into the crowd.

She trails me to the center of the Matsuri. There stood a very familiar tree. It was a huge tree now. Sobo and I sat by this Sakura tree - every year on Ueno Sakura Matsuri. It was smaller when we first started coming. I was twelve years back then. Now it was the hugest Sakura that stood. 

"Why did you bring me here, Obasan?" I asked.

"Rikai planted this tree the day she found you, Ai." She said.

That was all she said. That was all she had to say. She left me there, standing in the middle of a large crowd, alone.

I walked to the tree and sat down beside it. 

Then it rained.

It rained heavier than it's ever rained in Hanami.

Everyone started scattering. But I sat there. 

Thunder and lightning rolled above. But I sat unaffected under Sobo's tree. As the rain and flowers slid down me, something kindled inside me. 

Today Sobo Rikai died. And the sky was weeping and screaming along with me.

Her words came back to me.

'If you can let yourself die so easily, then don't live at all.'

Lightning danced above. For a minute, I thought I saw Sobo Rikai's face in them. It was as if she was watching me from above. 

"Live," she said. 

I'll start living. 

For Sobo Rikai. For me.

The sky cleared above.