Picture Perfect

“Okay, just a bit closer, everyone.” Nolan gestured with his hands for the group in front to compress their spacing. Returning his eye to the narrow viewfinder, the family finally fit perfectly in the camera’s framing. Even the church backdrop of the marbled altar and antique organ made it in the shot which he knew would please his mother’s request. “Alright, one, two, three!”

The bright flash promptly followed his countdown stunning the relatives’ vision for a moment. Yet, their attention was redirected to the baby in the middle of the group. It bought Nolan time to check the LCD screen observing how the photo turned out. He gave a half-hearted thumbs up to the group whose attention was still occupied by the newly christened child being bounced playfully in the arms of his brother Nate.

His sweet, little nephew. (Or so he had to keep reminding himself.)    

Nolan readjusted his glasses with a tired sigh. Or it felt more like a forced breath. One that he needed to take and release because of the weight on his chest. Christenings were meant to be joyful and pure. Nolan could only feel the opposite as he spent the whole day photographing the special moments of the ceremony that his mother and Nate wanted captured for eternity. For their own safekeeping because no one else would do it. Because it was Nolan’s only main use in the family.

He long ago reached a point of acceptance that he was simply there to capture other people’s achievements or memories. That was as far as the photographer life went for him. Between the failed attempts of moving out of state only to return back home to his parents, Nolan’s younger brother just kept zooming through life faster than the shutter in his own camera. Nate had a job at a law firm, with his own house half an hour away from their parents along with his wife Hazel and their newborn son Jordan. It was a sickening reflex for Nolan to bite his tongue at the latter.

“Hey, everything okay?”

As if she must’ve heard the call in his mind, Hazel materialised next to him. Her tone was gentle and full of concern – something he still wasn’t used to simply because of the rarity that it occurred to him. Yet, there was an unnerving sensation of a magnetic field between them with ever-shifting polarities. There would be a constant push and pull between them during their moments alone. It was unspoken of, among other things.

“Yeah, I got a couple of good shots.” Nolan held up his camera to her, unsure of whether he was actually showing her or simply trying to put something between them to keep a distance. “They’ll turn out really well once I go through them and edit.” He flicked through each photo on the LCD screen as an excuse to keep his line of vision away from her. It clearly wasn’t working since Nolan noticed the steady gaze of Hazel.

She cleared her throat before crossing her arms. “You didn’t have to do this.”

“No, it’s fine.” Nolan waved a dismissive hand. “It’s family, after all. I always gotta take the photos.” His grip tightened on the camera hoping its familiar shape would keep him grounded.

Hazel’s face dropped a bit further with the weight of sympathy. “You haven’t been in any of the shots. Let alone, you haven’t been with Jordan at all today.”

“Well, I don’t really want anyone else messing with the camera.” He let out a snicker. “No one else here really knows this stuff so it’s all good. I’m the photographer and I just focus on the family and relatives who come up for him.”

The rambling excuses were clear as day and the sinking feeling in Hazel’s chest could only go to such abysmal depths. “You’re family too.”  

The word ‘family’ felt like a knife twisting into his sternum whenever she said it.

The unanswered silence made her skin crawl. The cloud of guilt looming over her head felt heavy whenever she stood around him. “We shouldn’t have let things get this far.”

Despite the meaning of ‘things’ sounding vague to the possible eavesdropper, Nolan was astounded by the direction the conversation was taking. “Are you really going to bring that up now? Of all places?” His eyes glanced up to the large crucifix statue. As much as he wanted to, Nolan knew he was past the point of receiving or even asking for forgiveness from the Big Guy upstairs.

“I keep bringing it up because you keep shutting it down.” Hazel gritted her teeth in an attempt to keep her voice low.

He shook his head. “When you say that ‘things shouldn’t have gotten this far’, that would’ve been a nice thought during that night a year ago.” The reminder sent a nasty chill down Nolan’s back. He only wanted to help then. He knew his brother and Hazel were going through a rough patch after their wedding because of their struggles to make a baby. Nolan decided to go after her since she was so upset. “But we weren’t thinking and look where we are now.” His gaze shifted to Jordan still in Nate’s arms by the altar. “We’re past all of the what ifs. It’s just what it is.”

Catching his look at the baby, Hazel saw right through his reluctance. “So, we’re just going to keep lying? You’re just going to keep Jordan at arm’s length and pretend to be his uncle?”

“I am his uncle and Nate is his father.” His tone was unwavering. “He’s the one raising him with you, isn’t he? Biology aside, it matters who’s actually there with him 24/7. They’re the ones that actually get that title.”

The underlying bitterness and almost jealousy in his voice made her pause. “You know I did give you an out? A chance? And I meant it.”

Nolan’s throat seized up at the thought of even telling his parents the truth about Jordan. They loved their grandchild and it was obvious they expected Nate would be the first one to be a father out of the two of them. As much as Nate got on his nerves with his perfectionist, spoiled-second-child ways, he recognised he messed up by doing what he did. “Hazel, my parents and my brother are all I have right now. They’re the only constants that have ever really been there especially during the shitty times. I couldn’t risk telling it then. I still can’t.”

“They don’t even treat you as well as you treat them. And you know it.” She still remembered talking about this issue during that night.

He almost regretted telling her those things during that night. Then again, both of them were in vulnerable places. She was the only one he could really tell such things to. Perhaps that was why they even let things get that far that night. “I’m sorry. The fallout of me telling them what happened between us would be horrible. Things are better this way for them, for you and Jordan, and for me.”

Over the years of getting to know her brother-in-law, Hazel only recognised how his selflessness could be hurtful to himself. “Nolan, you always put yourself second to everyone and everything else in your life. Sometimes, that’s not a good thing.”

Thinking over her statement, his jaw tensed up. “Even if I wanted to tell them the truth, would you want me to be his father? Would you be ready to deal with Nate and how he’d feel? It’s so much easier to just keep things the way they are now.” Nolan only perceived the dead end to this situation. He had no idea why it was hard for her to see it.  

She noted he had a point but there was something he seemed to be ignoring. “It just feels unfair to you.” Her eyes drifted to front of the church. “I don’t know how long I can keep this lie up. If it’s even possible to keep it hidden forever. What I do know is that we’re probably going to hell for this.”

“They’d tell us to go straight to hell if they knew.” Up ahead, Nolan watched the excited grins on his parents’ faces as they held their grand-son. “As for this being ‘unfair’ to me,” He fidgeted with the camera in his hands, “Don’t worry. You don’t have to think about it. You get used to it, eventually.” It was a sombre truth to admit but it was his truth. His mantra. Sensing the heavy silence, he took the cue to finally end the conversation. “Can this please be the last time we talk about it?”  

She gave a stern nod, letting it betray the fact that she had so much more to say. Hazel hoped that Nolan would be correct and she could eventually convince herself that Nate was Jordan’s only father (beyond the biological meaning). Nolan was essentially asking her to overlook his feelings despite how miserable it sounded. It wasn’t going to deter her from making sure he was included with the family though. “Can you at least come over to take a damn picture with the family and Jordan? Just one. Even on a phone.”

A small wave of relief washed over him before being replaced with dread over the simple request. Nolan knew it was the least he could do for asking her to move past the talk. “Yeah.” The curt response was all he managed before following her down the aisle.      

Nolan carefully placed his camera on one of the chairs in the front row. Hazel initiated some small chatter with one of their family friends before passing them her phone. He smoothed down his dress shirt and ran a hand through his short hair. His brother and parents were already in position on the steps while Hazel briefly kissed Jordan on the head. Nolan examined the scene, oddly feeling like he was intruding until Nate caught his eye. His brother gestured for him to join them and he moved forward.

His photographer eye made him realise the best positioning of the group was for him to stand next to Hazel on the right side since Nate was holding Jordan in the middle. The slight brush against her arm almost made him recoil from the awkward tension that lingered. Nolan not knowing what to do with his arms only spoke volumes of how much he hated being in photos and preferred taking them.

“Okay, lovely. Get ready to smile.” The older lady holding Hazel’s phone focused on the screen showing the family. She began a countdown.

Nolan plastered on a smile while the family froze in position. After a couple of takes, he was ready to step down.

“Hold on, take one of just the kids with Jordan.” His mother pointed to the younger three standing to her left. “Let Hazel hold Jordan in the middle this time.”

The trio shuffled over as Nate handed the baby to Hazel. Nolan cursed internally as he stood again next to Hazel. Standing in place again, the three grinned for the camera while the relatives all made silly faces in the background to draw Jordan’s attention.

“My goodness, he can’t stop looking at Nolan.” His dad softly chuckled.

Hearing the comment, Nolan glanced down to the baby who was indeed staring up at him with an outstretched hand. Hazel and Nate’s eyes also followed with a gentle laugh. Her own gaze remained for a moment longer but he avoided it. Despite the sweet moment with his 'nephew' and the cheerful ambiance of the church, he observed the baby quietly wishing for the day to be over soon.