Cosi Fan Texty: A re-imagining of Mozart’s famous opera

Dora to Fiona, Sun 8 June at 21.37

Dora: OMG! Freddie’s proposed! 😊

Fiona: OMG! Congratulations!

Dora: He actually got down on one knee and produced a ring!

Fiona: When’s the date?

Fiona: BTW, I’ve got news too.

Dora: August 2026.

Dora: Just noticed your other text. You mean you and Julian?

Fiona: Guess who’s getting married in 12 months.

Fiona: Crossed texts again.

Dora: How did he ask you?

Fiona: It was so corny. He said he always knew I was Miss Right but how did I fancy being Mrs Wright.

Dora: Lad jokes. And technically you’re Miss Lang.

Dora: Still can’t get over my BFF marrying my fiancé’s BFF.

Fiona: Best man and bridesmaid combos. 😊

Freddie to Julian, Sun 8 June at 22.14

Freddie: She said yes.

Julian: Made up for you mate.

Freddie: What about Fiona?

Julian: Waddya think?

Freddie: Condolences mate.

Julian: You plonker! She said yes. The sexiest, funniest girl I know actually agreed to marry me.

Freddie: Did you have to get her really drunk to make her say yes?

Julian: No. And I didn’t have to get drunk myself so I’d have the courage to ask her.

Freddie: TBH, I nearly bottled out and proposed in a text.

Freddie to Alfie, Mon 9 June at 11.03

Freddie: Big news, Alfie.

Alfie: Already heard. Commiserations.

Freddie: Don’t be such a cynic mate.

Alfie: Just because a girl says she’ll marry you doesn’t mean there’ll be a wedding.

Freddie: What Jess did to you was shite but Dora’s not like that.

Alfie: Marriage isn’t a word – it’s a sentence.

Julian to Alfie, Mon 9 June at 11.46

Julian: I’m getting married!

Julian: To Fiona.

Alfie: Marriage is a three-ring circus. The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and suffering.

Julian: I was expecting you to say congratulations.

Alfie: You know what I think about marriage.

Alfie to Julian and Freddie, Mon 9 June at 14.27

Alfie: I still can’t believe you’re both going to go through with this.

Julian: Dude, I happen to love Fi. I’m 25 – we all have to settle down sometime.

Alfie: She won’t be faithful – women never are.

Julian: I beg to differ. You don’t know her like I do.

Freddie: Julian’s right man. You’re just an old cynic.

Alfie: And you two are blinded by love.

Alfie: It would be a different story if you gave them the

opportunity to cheat on you.

Julian: I know you’re still bitter about Jess but not every girl’s like that.

Alfie: Prove it then. Tell them both you’re going away

for the weekend and then see what they get up to.

Freddie: You’re wasting your time bro – me and Jools trust Fi and Dora.

Julian to Fiona, Tue 10 June at 16.33

Julian: Hey Fi.

Julian: I know we said we’d look at wedding venues this w/e but it’s Gary’s stag do in Scotland.

Fiona: You’re ditching me for a weekend of whisky and haggis?

Julian: Freddie’s going too. Why don’t you and Dora go wedding dress shopping together?

Fiona: I can’t believe you’re telling me to go clothes shopping!

Freddie to Dora, Tue 10 June at 17.04

Freddie: My adorable Dora, I can’t make this weekend after all.

Dora: But we were going to check out hotels for the reception.

Freddie: I know Babes but there’s this stag do I promised to go to.

Dora: It’s not going to take all weekend, is it?

Freddie: It’s in Scotland.

Dora:

Dora: I'm speechless.

Dora to Fiona, Tue 10 June at 18.27

Dora: Hi Fifi.

Dora: Wanna go wedding dress shopping this weekend?

Fiona: Have you been ditched for the stag do too?

Dora: Yep.

Dora: We should have a girls’ night out.

Dora: It’s not fair if they have all the fun.

Fiona: Agree.

Julian to Freddie, Fri 13 June at 12.17

Julian: Okay, Fredster. As far as the girls know, we’re at Heathrow now, waiting for our flight to Inverness.

Freddie: Does it have to be Inverness? I’ve always wanted to go to Edinburgh.

Julian: You can pretend to go to Edinburgh another time.

Freddie: Do we know where they’re going tonight?

Julian: I told Fi they should check out Annabel’s so I can take her there next weekend if it’s any good.

Julian: Friday nights are theme nights – you get a free drink if you dress up.

Freddie: We’d better find something to wear then. I’ve just googled the place and the price of drinks is astronomical.

Julian: There’s a fancy dress shop on the high street a few doors away from KFC. We can grab a bucket after we’ve sorted out costumes. See you there in fifteen.

Freddie: I’m not wearing tights.

Dora to Fiona, Fri 13 June at 20.27

Dora: Running late. I’ll get a cab to yours and we can walk to the tube station together.

Fiona: Okies. Still doing my make up. See you soon.

Dora: Still think we should have got superhero costumes. I quite fancied the idea of Catwoman.

Fiona: Any excuse to dress up in leather.

Fiona: Anyway, it said fancy dress optional.

Dora: I would have done it if they’d had any costumes left.

Dora: My cab’s here. Be with you in a bit.

Freddie to Julian, Fri 13 June at 22.19

Freddie: Where are you mate? I’ve been looking for you for ages.

Julian: You know I’m Batman. You were with me when I rented the costume.

Freddie: Dude, there are like fifty other Batmans here.

Julian: Batmans or Batmen?

Freddie: Who cares? Look, I seem to be the only tosser dressed as Spiderman, so why don’t you start looking for me? I must be a hell of a lot easier to find.

Julian: There must be a less complicated way than this to spy on our girlfriends.

Freddie: Fiancées.

Freddie: Yeah, I’m not too keen on the tights. How do women put up with it?

Julian: Think I’ve spotted you. Are you the Spiderman sitting on his own at the bar?

Freddie: Yeah, Larry No Mates, that’s me. I’m trying to make that free drink last.

Fiona to Dora, Fri 13 June at 22.37

Fiona: The queue for the ladies’ loo’s mental. I swear half the cubicles must be filled with people who’re bonking. No one groans that much just doing a number 2.

Dora: Think we’ll get lucky tonight?

Fiona: Are you forgetting about Freddie already?

Dora: She’s a poet.

Dora: Anyway, while the cat’s away…

Fiona: Seriously, I wish Jools was here. I don’t like the idea of him being in some Scottish nightclub without me.

Fiona: Does that make me sound like a hypocrite?

Fiona: Gotta go. Just reached the front of the queue.

Fiona to Julian, Fri 13 June at 22.31

Fiona: Hope you’re not enjoying yourself too much without me.

Fiona: Miss you xxx

Julian: Miss you too Babe.

Julian: Scotland rubbish because you’re not here with me xxxx

Julian to Alfie, Fri 13 June at 22.37

Julian: Hate lying to my fiancée. This is all your fault.

Julian: Total waste of a weekend I could have been spending with her.

Dora to Fiona, Fri 13 June at 22.44

Dora: Don’t look now, but Batman and Spiderman have been eying us up for ages.

Fiona: Can they not see our engagement rings?

Dora: Probably not from that distance.

Fiona: And why are we texting? I’m standing next to you.

Dora: In case you haven’t noticed, the music’s a bit loud.

Dora: Anyway, we’d better keep texting. They’re coming over.

Fiona: They can get lost! We’re spoken for.

Dora: A bit of harmless flirting never hurt anyone.

Nikki to Fiona, Fri 13 June at 22.57

Nikki: Hi Fi. How’s Annabel’s? Sorry I couldn’t come out with you and Dora.

Fiona: Hi Nik. Batman and Spiderman have just bought us drinks. I’m still sober – it’s Superhero night.

Nikki: Making the most of being single for the weekend, eh?

Fiona: I hope they know buying us drinks doesn’t mean we’ll sleep with them.

Nikki: Aren’t you even a tiny bit tempted?

Fiona: I quite fancy Batman – he’s a similar build to Julian – but Dora hasn’t stopped batting her eyelashes at him ever since he walked over.

Nikki: Send photos!

Fiona: They’ve kept their masks on all night – no idea what their faces look like.

Freddie to Alfie, Fri 13 June at 23.07

Freddie: Just thought I’d update you on your twisted little plan.

Alfie: Still think your women are paragons of virtue?

Freddie: Maybe not, but I’ve just spent half an hour chatting up my best friend’s fiancée.

Alfie: LOL

Freddie: We were going to tell them who we really were but it seemed like too good an opportunity to pass up.

Freddie: Wish Jools wasn’t so full on with Dora though.

Fiona to Nikki, Fri 13 June at 23.11

Fiona: I can’t believe my best friend’s getting off with a masked stranger while her fiancé’s away.

Nikki: Do you think she’ll tell Freddie?

Fiona: I feel so disillusioned. Flirting’s one thing, but kissing…

Fiona: Thought Dora was better than that.

Freddie to Dora, Fri 13 June at 23.16

Freddie: Missing you – are you missing me too?

Dora: Haven’t stopped thinking about you all night.

Freddie: What are you doing? Are you out with Fiona?

Dora: No, decided to stay in and have early night.

Dora: Was just drifting off when your text woke me up.

Freddie: Sleep tight my adorable Dora Bell.

Dora: xxxxx

Dora to Fiona, Fri 13 June at 23.20

Dora: What is wrong with me? I’ve just lied to my fiancé after kissing a complete stranger.

Dora: What if Freddie’s kissing someone else too – or worse.

Fiona: Did he say they were having strippers at the stag?

Dora: Don’t put that thought in my head.

Freddie to Alfie, Fri 13 June at 23.24

Freddie: Alfie mate, you were right. Women can’t be trusted.

Alfie: I take it the lovely Dora’s happy to play around in your absence.

Freddie: I could have accepted a bit of flirting but she’s been snogging the face off Jools for at least 15 minutes.

Alfie: Sounds like she’s not the only one you can’t trust.

Freddie: Fiona doesn’t seem impressed with her. She’s told me they’re both engaged and their fiancés are away this weekend.

Alfie: Maybe that was a hint – a green light to hook up with her.

Freddie: Dunno mate. I think there’s a spark there. If I kiss her it will even the score.

Alfie: Sauce for the goose.

Fiona to Nikki, Fri 13 June at 23.27

Fiona: I don’t believe it! Spiderman’s just tried to kiss me. He said my fiancé was probably busy kissing someone else behind my back.

Nikki: What a knob.

Fiona: Still fuming.

Fiona: Luckily, Batman told him to back off.

Alfie to Julian, Fri 13 June at 23.34

Alfie: What’s this I hear about you being a naughty boy?

Julian: OK, I probably shouldn’t have kissed her but Dora was being way too flirty for someone who’s meant to be engaged.

Alfie: Are you telling me you didn’t enjoy it?

Julian: TBH I didn’t think about what I was doing till I saw Freddie trying to kiss Fi.

Julian: Not surprised he’s giving me evils now.

Alfie: Sounds like you ballsed everything up.

Fiona to Nikki, Fri 13 June at 23.39

Fiona: We’ve been catfished.

Nikki: ?

Fiona: Batman and Spiderman are our fiancés.

Fiona: They were playing some sick sort of mind game with us to see if we’d be faithful.

Nikki: WTF. So sorry for you Fifi.

Fiona: I feel so betrayed.

Fiona: I don’t know if I can trust Julian after this or even if I still want to marry him.

Nikki: Hugs.

Dora to Freddie, Fri 13 June at 23.42

Dora: So, not in Scotland then?

Freddie: Not tucked up in bed either.

Dora: Let’s call this one a draw.

Alfie to Julian and Freddie, Fri 13 June at 23.51

Alfie: Plaudite, amici, comoedia finita est.

Alfie: Applaud, my friends. The comedy is over.

Julian to Fiona, Sat 14 June at 08.17

Julian: I’m sorry.

Julian: I don’t know what else to say.

Julian: I love you xxxxxxx

Julian: Don’t go silent on me.

Julian: Fi?