All the 'Hey Mels'

"Don't worry, Mel can do it. She's great with people"

"Mel? Oh, Mel's really fun, she'll do great"

"God! What are you so worried about Mel? you'll probably do the best out of all of us"

Yeah, you're right. All of you are. I'll probably do fine. I'll probably make it. I'll probably be the best out of you all.

Probably.

For as long as I can remember, in my head, there are two mes'. The me I want to be. And the me I am. The me I want to be is bright, she adores people and the things they bring with them. She's loud, reckless and confident. She's great with people, she can figure out how to get them to like her, to trust her. She's smart, funny and intelligent. She's formed from the character of every female protagonist of every book I've read, she can lead armies and fight monsters and snatch boys just from a glance. She's my role model. Who I want to be when I grow up.

The me I am is different, very very different. She's shy, she likes quiet places, she loves classical music and adores books of all kinds. Its not that she dislikes people, she likes them, but there's limit to what she can take. Once that limit is crossed she compares herself, she doubts herself, and she feels less like who she wants to be. I hate her. I wish she'd go away. She is who I'm sure will stand in my way if I try to become who I want to be.

Whenever I'm posed with the choice of staying in or going out. I have to first let these two versions of me fight it out. Its often vicious, these fights. They bring up things in the past I don't want to remember. They bring out pictures and situations that are exaggerated and dumb, but I'm terrified of them nevertheless.

"Hey Mel, wanna go to Ross's birthday party? It'd be great with you"

'You should go. It'll be fun.

Are you crazy? say no

Why? didn't you hear her, she said it'll be great with you

Yeah well, its not like she knows how cray cray you are.

Its because of your crazy streak that they love you.

Then you should definitely not go, what if you don't do things to their expectations? They'll label you a lame'o.

Don't be silly. You've always done well so far.

That doesn't mean it will be the same this time

Why think negative, It'll be fun!

God! Just choose!! She's still waiting, its probably getting awkward now, see? This is why I told you to stay. You'll just mess up.'

They go on and on, back and forth, back and forth. Until finally I shout on top of their voices.

"Uh, sorry Diane, Not today, I've got a few other things to do. Tell Ross I'm sorry and a happy birthday "

But even after I wonder, will Ross hate me for not making it. Should I have answered quicker, more definitively? will she...? what if....? and if.....? what will...?

" Dude, you have to come to that date I arranged, please? Gary is like, in love with you and keeps asking me to set you two up,"

'You should go

Seriously? Don't you remember Gary? He's that creepy dude from that party the other night.

He was not creepy, you just don't want to go

He so was, he kept eyeing you in that weird sort of way

We already said no to that party Diane asked us to go to, now again? She'll hate you.

She'll understand if we explain

No she won't. She'll probably tell us that Gary is our bloody soul mate then.

What is wrong with you? Its just a date. Just go there, sit down look pretty, and come back.

There is nothing WRONG with me, I don't get why you're pushing this onto us.

Mel! You have a REPUTATION. People expect you to be fun and up for anything. YOU'RE GONNA RUIN EVERYTHING YOU'VE PUT TOGETHER!!!.'

"I'd love to Diane, I saw him at a party the other night, and Gwad! so hot!"

Because who I want to be is right, I had a reputation, even if it made me feel cornered. Even if I felt suffocated. I had a reputation, the most badass girl around here? Oh, that's Mel. She's real fun.

So I do it. what I don't want to, what I hate. I do it all. I don't tell people I like Beethoven more than Kanye. I don't tell people I've read the whole Lord of the Rings. I hide, push, shove.

You see, who I am might seem like an okay person. But I knew that people won't like her. Her insecurities, her fears they're too exhausting to deal with. She's too exhausting to deal with. I should know. People don't like exhausting. They like simple, fun, easy. So that's who I show them.

And so my parents think they raised a confident young woman who can walk onto stages and say magnificent speeches. My siblings think that their big sister is so cool. My friends think they're besties with the most wildest girl at school. And I don't tell.

I don't tell that my hands shake when I get up on stages, or that I hadn't slept the previous night to make that speech. I don't tell that I adore The Moonlight Sonata nor that I have'nt really heard a full song of Kanye yet. I don't tell that most of those wild stories were just rumors and the others were exaggerated.

I might not be who I want to be, I might not be cool or fun or as smart as I'd like to be. I might be lame, I might write cliché love stories and dream of Prince Charmings. But I can pretend to be her. I can wear short skirts and pretty blouses. I can wear red lipstick and look confident. I can walk, talk and act like her. I can pretend for just a little longer.

"Hey Mel?"

Please, just a little longer.