Mother - writer

Only one hour left. I finally have time to write. The blank page stares at me with satisfaction. “You’re pretty dumb, aren’t you?...Can’t even write a short sentence, let alone an entire story”. Yet again, as soon as the document is open, my mind goes from a million ideas to blank, my head swirls from vivid images to complete white space. Where did my million thoughts go from just a minute ago? Let’s try again. Maybe a little relaxation method: breathing in through my right nostril, feeling the air in my lungs, letting it all out through my left nostril. Aa..a little better. Maybe just a sip of tea as well: its warmth is just so comfy-cozy! 

My gaze fell upon the lit candle, the Pinterest perfectly organized desk, the flower arrangement. I had taken the time to put everything in its place,  even knowing it’s simply futile. The storm that is my kiddo will wreak havoc in his path. I stroked the keyboard a few times and then I saw it... All dusty. I took a wet wipe and started cleaning, lingering on each key. Spotless. I can finally write.

I should just start typing something. It’ll come to me, for sure. Maybe I’ll first list some possible story ideas: write them all down and then I’ll decide. My fingers began moving fast, typing the few thoughts I had. The tutorial said to choose one that’s in line with the message I want to send. That would be awesome, except I should then first come up with a message. I reopened the tutorial and, of course, I had to reread it. 

I glanced at the clock: 50 minutes left and then, again, skimmed through the list of questions I dreaded answering. 

“What’s important to me? What’s my purpose with this story. Why do I want to write it?”.

Do people actually know this? I mean perhaps writers do indeed have a mission, it is conceivable that  they genuinely have a calling, a reason for writing. They plan to help people, to educate them, to entertain them. Of course, I want to move people as well. Who wouldn’t? But is that why I want to write? No way! I just want to be famous and for people to think I’m smart. That’s all. Is this an odd reason for writing? Is it a valid one? I mean…it evidently sounds egotistical and self-centered. I suppose when I’ll get interviewed about it I should say something more meaningful and inspiring. I hope that’s what other writers feel as well, regardless of what they actually say out loud. I bet that’s true. Uf, that’s better. For a moment, I thought I should actually change a bit, become more altruistic, actually think about my readers. Not necessary yet, though I’ll do it in the future. What else can be better for marketing?

40 minutes left. I can finally write. Where was I? Yes, “What’s my story’s purpose?”. Well, when I read, the books I love make me cry. I definitely want that when people read my book. Oh, that would be so amazing… to have fans tell me they cried reading something I wrote. That’s the dream right there. So I should write something like that. But that’s not a message. Or is it? I should reread something I enjoyed to understand this better... 

Frack! How is scrolling on facebook gonna help me? 35 minutes left. Afterwards, again, no more writing time until the kid falls asleep tonight. How the heck did I manage to waste time yet again? I should really prepare better for my next writing session. If only I could choose something to write about and be done with it. This is the most difficult part. So many possibilities. Even more problematic when there is so little time for it. I just have to get more creative with organizing my writing time. Think about everything in advance. And when the time comes, just write. Yep, that would be nice. 

Frack! 30 minutes. And I’m exhausted as well. I’ll sleep early tonight. No writing. Just dreams and rest. At least the page stopped staring at me. I have a list of possible stories. It’s a start. Now...what am I in the mood for? 

The first one makes me angry, but it’s just a scene.. it’s not even a complete idea. It’s a good, powerful scene though...I certainly like it.  

The second just makes me sad…

The following two are romance and I’m definitely not in the mood for that! Perhaps when my tiny human stops taking every ounce of my energy. When will that be?

The next one may be a bit too much work for now. World building, fire, death... A few more  characters.. I’m really not ready for it. I need lots more practice before I can even dream about writing it. It is so fun though. It is the one that makes me all giddy! Can’t wait to do it! Perhaps this way I don’t even have to choose. If I can write a novel instead of a short story and incorporate all my ideas inside. Can I? It’s a greater commitment. I don’t really have time for a novel. That’s why I had initially decided a short story is best for the time being. I also haven’t written in a while. It’s scary now, intimidating and, from the looks of it, it already seems gruelling. 

How do people decide this? My mind is too scattered. What happened to me? I used to be so sharp and focused. I was able to write without any pauses. For at least two or three hours at a time.

20 minutes left. Used to love writing in school. Love? It’s kind of a strong statement. Who loves writing in school? Perhaps I only made myself believe I love writing just to have a good time doing my homework. I genuinely did have a good time doing my homework, color coding my writing files, my ideas, organizing my research. So it must be true, I love writing. How can it be so difficult then? 

10 minutes left. I should start with a novel. What will be the main theme though?  Where will it be set? In what time?

So. Many. Decisions. Frack.