Rated R for pirates

“Quick use your mighty ass, Red Plug! It's the only way to stop that all-powerful woman who has butt one weakness.”

“I can’t, Emo Claws. Not even my ass is a match for her wisdom, power, and plot armor. We must explore our feminine side and talk about our feelings so she can take pity on us.”

“At least make fun of her baldness or something. You sound hopeless.”

“Alopecia is no laughing matter, Emo Claws. I will release her from death’s grip and put both of us at her mercy.”

Come closer there’s plenty of room up front. Did you enjoy the movie? Which part is that? Oh, please, one at a time. I don’t like that kind of language. What else? Goodness, that sounds awful. That’s not a fun story, you’ll get nightmares. How about a happy story, with a beautiful princess and a naughty dragon? Alright settle down, I’ll tell a tale from a land that time forgot. Yes? Very well, if you need to use the restroom go on. There once was a beautiful kingdom where apple trees stretched as far as the eye could see. Do you like apples too? They're so delicious. The most beautiful garden belonged to the king and queen of the north. Because that’s where the kingdom was, in the north. You’ll have to wait and see, don’t worry no question will be left unanswered. The king and queen had a beautiful daughter with long blonde hair. Dora. That’s not a princess name? Ariel. Who said Helvetica? I’ve got my eye on you…No, her name was Eleonora. Wow, so beautiful. Eleonora played in her parents' garden every day. She loved having picnics, tea parties, and sleepovers in a tent under the stars. Oh yes, she had many friends, like a hundred. Really, they all loved Eleonora and played together night and day. One day a dark cloud rested over the valley. Its shadow forced the people to wear itchy sweaters and hats. It was always summer back then. I know I love summer too. Eleonora had to play inside all week. The castle had a trampoline, a bowling alley, a pony ride, and all sorts of… Like at least ten ponies. That’s right, with bows in their hair and painted hoofs. They were singing ponies too. Because they were magical and could talk and sing. Eleonora had her favorite pony’s hair braided and dressed in a pink tunic. Her name was Stardust. A sticker of a star with glitter on her cheek just below her right eye. It’s hard to say. It shimmered blue or purple every time Stardust turned her head. That’s exactly what she did. They all rode their flying ponies up in the cloud. Did I forget? How silly of me. Of course, they could fly. That’s not all they could do. Eleonora rode her pony right into the dark cloud, right through the middle. Because she was brave. That’s right, something bad could happen to her or Stardust. Why do you think she did it? She wanted to play outside again in the sunshine. The other children waited on their ponies at the edge of the cloud. Because Eleonora made them promise not to follow her inside the cloud. What do you think she saw? That’s right it was dark and cold. A strange shape began to appear. It had a spiky tail, a long neck, and huge teeth. It was a dinosaur! Dinosaurs are kind of like dragons. They can be mean, like dragons, and can fly. It had wings. All dinosaurs died when the meteor struck? A thousand years, wow that’s a lot. Well, then, how do you explain Bigfoot? Not a dinosaur? I’ll have to go to the library and read up on it. Anyway, back to the story. Eleonora confronted the dragon and asked why it blocked out the sun. Elias, Elias the dragon. Asmode… Kid, what kind of TV have you been watching? His name was Elias ok? Now Elias was a grumpy dragon with no friends and a mouthful of cavities. It ate candy all day and never brushed its teeth. Ew, that’s right dragon breath. The dragon swang its tail and almost hit Eleonora and Stardust that's how mean it was. But the princess knew there is good in all creatures so she asked the pony to cast light on the dragon. Once the beam hit the dragon, its rotting teeth fell, and in their place grew new shiny ones. Because Stardust’s parents were dentists that's why. Your dad’s a dentist too? Dr. Seemore Bush? No, it doesn't ring a bell. Anyway, Elias was so happy to be rid of all his bad teeth that he thanked Eleonora and her pony. Soon after, the dark cloud turned to pink, and the princess and her new friend flew to greet the others. The king and queen of the northern kingdom were scared at first but quickly accepted the dragon when they saw just how nice a creature it was. They played all sorts of games: jumping on its belly, pin the scale on its tail, dragon pinata. Elias would breathe smoke in the shape of a small dragon and fill it with sugar-free candy and fruits and vegetables. I’ve seen pinatas filled with vegetables. Fine, what should we put inside: pizza, apples, of course, jello, chocolate. Everyone was happy and could play in the sun once again. Eleonora saved the kingdom and made a new friend too. The ponies and the dragon became best friends and slept inside Eleonora’s room. And her friends too, everyone slept at the palace. Can you picture the king, the queen, the princes and her friends, the dragon, and the ponies all in your mind? That’s how they all fit in one place and lived happily day after day. The end. What’s that? Grow hair and join the two in saving the world? I don’t know who could do that kind of magic. In Turkey? Dr. Butol Tickler…