Conversations we should have had

Ok, so what have you done?

Not a lot.

What is 'not a lot'.

Not much? What have you done?

Everything.

Everything?

Well you know.

Ok. Cool.

Does that bother you?

No. Why would it? Does my not having much experience bother you?

No. I don’t think so.

What is it?

I don’t know I guess I’m just worried you'll get attached.

I can assure you that won't happen.

How do you know.

I just do.

You said you haven't done anything.

Haven’t done much. And I know.

How?

I’ve never really related the emotional to the physical.

What does that mean?

Lets just say I’ve never hooked up with a guy that I’ve had a crush on.

Ok? So what have you done?

Look this is not my favourite conversation. If you're not comfortable with this that's fine and I’ll go. I’m not going to convince you.

No, its not that.

What is it?

I don’t know.

I’m going to go, because I would rather we left it here and we were able to maintain some semblance of friendship? I don’t even know if you can call this friendship or more an association.

I hate it when you use big words.

Sorry.

Don’t say sorry. I love it.

What?

Aren't you nervous at all?

I mean sure I’m scared it won't be good for you. That I might be bad at it.

What? Why is that all your worried about?

Its all I’m ever worried about. How it is for the other person? How are they going to act after? I’m going to see you around so I’m scared that I’ll be bad and it will be embarrassing and it will just be a terrible experience.

So this really doesn't mean much to you emotionally.

I wasn't lying. The reason I haven't talked to you all these years is because I thought you hated me and judged me. Now I think that I might have had a weird crush but, I didn't know how to talk to you so I just avoided you.

I never hated you.

But you thought I was judgemental and you didn't like me.

How do you know that. That's not true.

Your sister told me.

Why?

Because I asked her to confirm my suspicions that you didn't like me. I’m very rarely wrong.

I’m really sorry you felt like that. I was a dickhead.

So was I. It’s ok.

Well we're older now.

Thank god.

Maybe we should just talk.

I think so.

I did really enjoy what what we did get to do though.

Thank you for your feedback.

Are you going to tell her?

Who?

My sister.

God no. Are you?

No.

I remember I asked her when we were younger what would happen if we got married.

What?

Yeah, she just said that's fine but, she probably wouldn't come around very much though. You guys weren't really getting along at the time.

Did you ever hate me?

I don’t think I hated you but I definitely wasn't happy with you for a little while. Have you ever had someone hate you before?

I don’t think so.

It’s a very interesting experience. I mean people have not been pleased with me or maybe we haven't gotten along very well but I don’t know of anyone else who has hated me before, especially when I’m not really sure what I’ve done.

How long have you known?

Officially. Three years? But, I knew before. Not why, just that you did. I think it's more interesting that you've been bothered to hate me. For this long. I just kind of assumed you were indifferent, not that you had all these thoughts and opinions of me. Not that I haven't had any thoughts and opinions on you either but I’ve never hated you.

No?

No. That takes up way too much of my own energy that can be better spent else where. I’m afraid I just don’t think of you enough to hate you. I guess I just wish it wasn't such public knowledge. I think we could have been friendly at the very least.

I thought we were for awhile.

I thought we were too. But then I found out it was fake. You can't be genuinely friendly to a person you hate or sorry, someone you cannot stand.

I’m sorry.

I don’t want your sorry. I don’t want to talk about it anymore. It doesn't matter anyway. We've gone long enough that nothing has to change.

What was today about then?

Maybe revenge? Maybe self sabotage? Maybe some form of twisted validation? I’m glad we spoke however, it’s been a long time coming.

Do you mind if I say something?

Please. I feel like I’m spilling my guts out here all alone.

I think maybe I did resent you. I felt this kind of judgement from you when we were growing up but ironically I was also incredibly judgemental towards others. I used it as a kind of defence mechanism. Essentially if I counted everyone else out first they couldn’t discredit me. Am I making sense?

Definitely. I think I used my judgement as a way of distancing myself from everyone. Unlike in this moment I’m generally very reserved and I really struggle letting people in. Which makes me wonder if there was some kind of crack in the punch.

I don’t think people spike punch with crack anymore.

Well, you would know.

Hey!

Sorry.

All of this to say. Yes, I judged you and I think my feelings towards you were unkind. And yes I also avoided you at all costs.

Thank you, I thought I was going crazy about that.

But, I think I singled you out so much because I craved your approval most of all and as my younger sisters friend I didn’t understand why I would need that. Tonight, I would say has highlighted why.

Being attracted to me is not an excuse to have been mean to me all these years.

I know and I’m really sorry. And if you’ll forgive me, I would like to get to know you properly. Sober and more fully dressed. Or undressed? I don’t mind.

We’ll see.