Create your happiness

I have learned that happiness is in everything, anything. That might sound stupid, silly, cheesy. My train of thoughts is interrupted.... I woke up to an unfamiliar sound.... beeping sound? Rolling carts? Amusement park? NOPE. 

Going back to what happened it’s still hard for me. Recollection of what happened from the time I got really sick until I woke up in hospital bed is still a mystery to me. After a lost year.

My last though was going to the doctor because of a lingering pain in my back. It hurt to breathe. A muscle spasm? Maybe I lifted something up the wrong way. My brain registration of the last time I had life in me. I pictured myself walking along corridor everywhere grey atmosphere. Alone, unsecured,lost, gone....

I have pressured my husband and my son to tell me the hell I was to enter. Nothing. Until now the only word I got was that I was yelling and screaming like crazy. Was I possessed? I got great doses of morphine given to me until I shut up. The other side of the hospital was calmed - again. My walking thru corridors like a lost soul, no life somehow made me think I was in a world where people walked face down, no expression, no feelings. No eye contact. Is this a nightmare? 

The beeping sound is back again, rolling carts. This time the beeping sound and rolling carts comes to reality. I woke up in a white room lying on a hospital bed. Complete silence,an eerie feeling invades my head. Am I still dreaming? I feel light like a feather. Everyone, everything is a blur. My whole army, my battalion was not listening to me anymore. Felt deceived, not trusted, not motivated anymore. Is this the beginning of my leaving this life? BS. 

Something was not connecting. Instructions were given, mandates were not followed. Wtf is wrong?

Nights came, days went by. I’m missing my family, my son, my husband it’s just my brother. 

I was afraid hell was coming back every time they left. Then the gate keeper was back. I slowly worked my way up. Loneliness and misunderstanding invaded my already confused mind to a point I thought I was loosing it. Something inside of me was telling me this wasn’t my time. Later on I realized this was called resilience. 

I’m a Taurus, I’m stubborn, resilient.

During my times out on a wheelchair saw many people submerged in their own sanity, disconnected somehow from reality in a search of their own, perhaps their own perfect world. Sad. I’m not going to end up like that. 

I came back for a reason. I just have to find out what. 

There was something I really enjoyed. Being lift up from bed with a lifter hoyer. I felt like I was in a little flying chair. No offence I was thrilled! At that time I weighed 50kg.

My little happiness lasted like a week - you have to start to walk I’m told. How? When? For God’s sake I’m old enough to know how to walk. BS.

Physiotherapy time! I took it like a child’s play. Again my curiosity took over me. It wasn’t easy. All of the sudden I was walking. The baby walker team! Once confidence took over me, I just kept going and going and found- somebody stop me please! Literally my motivation and desire for freedom was driving me nuts. The fact that i was 51 was not going to overcome me. I have my son and my husband. I’m not ready to leave them alone! My pride was not high and my Taurus personally was not getting along. Good for them. That’s where resilience came to play. 

I felt like hummingbird, sucking up the nectar of life to keep up going and leave this dark, miserable life. During my outings with the walker had to walk by the nurses’s station. That was my mark. Then the second set of doors. Freedom is close by.....

I can almost taste it. Cognitive therapy came to play a roll on my recuperating mental health. The OTP thought I was cheating due to the exact (almost) test results. I was awful on math.

I always will be.

To the end of my days at the hospital I set up my mind to leave and not end up like the lost souls I bumped into during my therapy walks. Many times I thought of giving up. My Taurus personality and the prayers from all the people from my community contributed to my healing. And of course God. 

I got transferred to another section and another hospital. Where ever I went, I had wonderful people looking after me, encouraging people. I learned from my husband to to be thankful, respectful and be always honest. We taught that to our son. Hopefully he will transfer that to his family when his turn comes. 

My appetite increased- I wanted to go home so bad... put on some weight.

Ok I’m out of trouble. Got transferred to another hospital. Where I was therapy was not enough for myself I completed the program. My illness was a still a mystery. I was not going to be released until the prognosis was correct. I was moved to another hospital. I became a motivation for many there, hard work pays. I got discharged 7 months after. 

A cold breeze filled the room, expectation and nervousness beginning to rise up from my toes quickly to the top of my head. Darn! they are taking too long! Suddenly my brother comes with a big handful of paperwork. Ready? Let’s go! I follow my instincts/ mind though my left eyesight gave up when I had a mild stroke but as God created us with two of each sense, my right eye resilient to stick up to my bs, gave me another opportunity in life, enjoy live snd share. Omg! I gather myself, regrouped myself and embarques on the new quest. My heart that once deceived me started to pump that juice of life stronger to a point that scared me. Not again! I thought to myself. Maybe I’m about to be on board a new adventure. Slowly my carrier comes up to me. No - you are not allowed to walk by yourself. The rules say. U can walk once your transport arrives at the door. Follow the light- ok this is weird. I feel attracted to the light like a moth..... the warm breeze brushes my pale checks and I sense a warm that embraces me like a huge bear that won’t let go. I see the light - crap am I dying? Not fucking ready. The cool afternoon breeze makes me come to my senses back AGAIN? This time is a happy feeling, love, excitement, hope, smiles. A huge secure strong hand shake makes me come to reality- wtf! I’m not coming back. I sat down stripped to my seat. I hear a familiar voice... Welcome home! Clapping, laughing kisses. Got to my final destination- is this it? Yes madam- you just got home. Home sweet home! Warmth, love, happiness, starts to fill up my body from my tiptoes to the top of my head- kinda shaky WHY? this is not right..   I love you’ makes me come to my senses, am I in heaven? Wow, the smell of roses and violets resembles the ones back at home. All of the sudden a unexpected hug, soft and warming hug. A soft kiss. A smell of brewed coffee, toast. I noticed a familiar sweet smell of orchids. They just bloomed today. 

Today? Yes. The day I came back. The day I got discharged from the hospital. Working hard I was able to walk by myself. I felt like flexing. Yeah I’m still young - turned 52.

I made a lots of friends along this journey.