Listen

We walked into class and immediately noticed her, the prettiest girl in the room. We looked for a space next to her and found it occupied, of course, by the cutest guy in the room. Frustrated, just going to sit down at the first available seat in class.

"You're late" the professor said, his tone a grating sound after my rapid high and low just moments ago.

"Well considering how your admin told me about this class just 20 minutes ago I think I'm right on time." I said more harshly than intended. The others approved silently. I shouldn't be taking my frustrations out on the guy, he's just doing his job and doesn't have enough context to know why he's wrong. "That's no excuse for him being rude about it" a voice says. I nod silently.

—-

I'm so nervous about my first day in class, I got here early. There are so many people around and the professor just launched into the topic without any explanation. She thought, picking at her elbow, arms clasped tightly.

God someone's even showed up late, she thought as a student appeared in the doorway. He sat down quickly as if frustrated. The professor's "YOU'RE LATE" hit her like a slap even though it wasn't even aimed at her.

Her thoughts wheeled through her own old school where catching a professor's eye like that would be the start of a miserable dressing-down making you want to shrink into the space between the floorboards. She began to put her head in her hands but the reply cut the air before she could.

Did she hear that correctly? A student talking back? And SO rudely? This never happened. Certainly not in the small town she grew up in. Well, this was the big city and perhaps people were more confident here.

She had to get a look at him, but he was all the way up in the front desks and he never turned around the entire class.

She'd have to meet this guy.

—-—-—-

I really need to talk to someone. I went to catch the train but doubled back, he seemed so earnest about getting that coffee. Mom was always so angry that I might be seeing boys but I never ever liked any of the ones in that sleepy town. I've heard to so many taunts from so many people about it, I've always tried to make them happy and tell them what they wanted to hear. Is it ok to do something because I want to?

"Hey so about that coffee, could we, could we get it now?"

--

That was quick! I'd been so nervous to ask her out, I knew I had to do it and be cool as I could manage. I can't imagine she said yes and she's saying yes to right now woohoo! We're on cloud nine and I can't stop smiling well you're supposed to smile on dates right? That's ok!

I walk her to my favourite coffee place we sit across from each other and seeing her my smile dropped right off. She looked so worried, my nose and lips crinkled from seeing her frown.

"What's on your mind?" I asked and boy did she have a lot to say. Friends, family and so much going on in her life. She seemed to be everybody's rock but I never heard her talk about her being able to lean on anyone else. Could she be alone? How's that even possible?

"You do so much for the people you don't even like, you're hearing them out and solving their problems. Is there anyone who listens to what you're going through?"

"No" she says. I make myself comfortable we're clearly going to be here a while.

"Tell me about it. I'm here to listen."

—-—-—-

We all walked together to drop her off, we've been dating a couple months and even though she lives far her company's worth it.

"I have a terrible secret" she says. "What is it?" I say, instantly thinking of several terrible scenarios but keeping them all to myself.

"No it's too embarassing, I can't say". The pit in my stomach drops further, I don't struggle to keep a plain face and just keep the focus on her. "Whatever it is it'll be ok, tell me".

She shakes her head no and says "guess" in a voice so small I feel it could be lost on this crowded road.

Sucking in my breath, "You're pregnant?". Immediately her eyes dart up in surprise and alarm and she says "N...no, I just failed in college I'll have to repeat the year"

My shoulders relax and let go a tension I hadn't realised, "Ah well that's nothing, I've failed a couple times too".

Eyes wide, heart skipping a beat, she searches his face for any trace of the ashamed looks she's seen a thousand times in anyone who knew. There was nothing, her deepest shame just an unremarkable fact in the face of the boy she now knew she loved.

--

Lying in bed, I held his face. His skin softer than mine, how do his tender eyes hold such pain she wondered. She kissed him to take some away. She had to try some more.

He held her shoulder so tenderly, the warmth of his fingertips electrifying her skin till the fine hairs stood up.

"I...can I ask you something?" in a tone so vulnerable I had to kiss him more. "Sure".

"Do you think I'm......normal?" "I think you're wonderful", I pressed him closer to say it.

His warm tears rolled to meet my shoulder. I looked at him, and wondering how he didn't know that.

He silently let the tears fall, feeling safe in her embrace. A lifetime of taunts released with them.

He'd never felt this way before. He'd take a while longer to find the name for the unfamiliar feeling.

—-—-—-

Just another day at work. My phone rang again. I let out a sigh and walked away from the computer and out the building to take it. No reception here, thinking of the time the boss sat him down to tell him his calls are not being well received.

"Meh, relationships are more important than work" was what I was thinking as I walked past the boss' office.

"....I love you, take care", another sigh as I saw how long the call was, 45 minutes. The city was emotionally draining to be in. Her dorm wasn't a great place even for women who had jobs and she didn't. Well this is how relationships are supposed to be, we take care of each other. I grinned as the boss put up a frown but didn't say anything. We're too valuable at work.

Hmm, I didn't say anything about how it was an uncomfortable conversation with the boss or the little trouble I've had being on the phone that much. Ah well, he'd forget his worries. It's not like they're piling up, they always disappear so they're not that big of a deal right?

An hour later as he saw a message light up his phone, he wondered. Was there something he wanted to say? Ah maybe but what it was he can't remember. Let's take care of her.

--

Everything feels so intense. My body shakes at the thought of the taunts the people give me. I avoid the glances of my roommates and stay in my room but the maids are unavoidable. They need to clean up.

"blame BLAME blame blame BLAME blame BLAME" she casually speaks as she cleans, complaining that I'm still here. The others are all out working, earning but I can't stand how it feels to be judged in the interviews. I can't take anymore of it, I feel like I'm going to burst from it already.

I'll call him, that'll make me feel better. He's always there even though he takes so damn long to pick up.

"......love you too" I reluctantly say. It's not enough, I need to talk to him more so I can block out the thoughts. It's the one ray of light in my day and I know I shouldn't call right now but that maid was too much.

I'm all alone in the city and he's my only friend and....partner. I can rely on him. I need to.

—-—-—-

I can't believe it's taken me this long to realise that I've never talked about my problems. Hers we always so much bigger. Were they so big that they overshadowed mine? Well it certainly always felt like it. I always thought I'd get to talk about them sometime but.....it's been a decade since I've known her and I just never got to.

I've gone through so much....alone. Always alone. If I dig up the feelings they're so...big. Everything I've ever worried about never went away. It's just there, waiting for its time to be heard. An ocean of feelings held back, threatening to drown me if I ever even try to see how big it is.

Was this.....her? Was it me? I didn't mean for this, it felt like the obvious choice. Weren't we supposed to be there for each other? I was for her but whenever I needed something....she still had problems.

Well, no more of that then.

--

He doesn't love me anymore. It doesn't matter what he says or how many times he says he does. He says he wants to talk but he won't listen to what my problems are. He doesn't care and dote like he did earlier.

This gnawing feeling in my chest, I thought marrying would reduce it but it's been three years since and it's only gotten deeper. He's sliding so far away and I can't bear to hear him say what he needs, what he needs is to LISTEN.