The Reunion

I’m excited to see Aunt Sally but there was a special bond between me and Flora and honestly when I think about it, I feel kind of guilty. Guilty that I didn’t keep up the friendship, guilty I moved away, guilty I grew up and wanted to experience all the ups and downs and pleasures of being an adult. But what was I to have done? I know it’s natural to grow up and leave childhood friends behind, but Flora was there for me through so much. How could I have done such a thing?

I wonder how I will feel meeting Flora again? I have mixed feelings about that. To say we gave each so much is an understatement – we were practically joined at the hip!

“What are you doing?” Alex teased, “you’re not thinking about Flora again are you?”

“You don’t understand!” I grit my teeth, “we had such a special connection; it will be so weird to see her again all grown up.” I knew I was becoming defensive, but I felt so excited and shy at the same time. Will we still have a connection? Will we only be able to reminisce about the bad times or move forward past that? Oh gosh, I really hope we can remember the good times. Will seeing her be a trigger for me? So many unknowns but I know that the time has never been more right.

Alex hugged me from behind, “Are you sure you don’t want me to come with you?”

“I do, but, in a way I need to go on my own so I can process all of the emotions and… you know, the mum stuff. Plus, Aunt Sally will want to spend quality time and you are a distraction.” I paused to give a cheeky smile before continuing, “The plan as you know anyway if everything goes smoothly of course, is for Flora to come visit us, I’m hoping you’ll get to meet her,” my voice sounding more doubtful than I had thought. “Ok, I know we’ve been over this but imagine having to face not only your childhood but all the angst and cringe of your teenage years!”

“Yeah, but it might be fun to laugh about it, we’ve all had some cringeworthy moments at some point!” Alex laughed.

Today’s the day when I get to see Aunt Sally and see Flora again. I had visited Aunt Sally before, but it didn’t help that I lived on the other side of the country, so visits were few and far between. Of course, I’m meeting Flora too, but we haven’t seen each other for like 10 years! But I’d arranged to meet up with her finally, but I pushed that thought aside. I was one of those people that when the anxiety or excitement gets too much I ignore it until the eleventh hour.

“Ughh”, I grunted. I threw my hands up in the air in frustration.

Alex stared at me, “What?” “Did I do something wrong?”

“No, my brain just doesn’t stop sometimes you know…I wish there was an off-mode!”

“Yeah I know babe but hey, you are super nervous and don’t give me that ‘I’m fine’ bullshit”.

“Okay, okay,” I mumbled.

“I’m the one that actually should be concerned! You’re flying halfway across the country to see some woman I’ve never even met! I’m the one that should be nervous here – do I need to be jealous?” she asked in a half serious tone and then laughed.

“Ha…ha…ha,” I teased back.

“Gosh to think of her as a woman now that’s too much! We were both girls – best friends, hanging out together back then. Okay enough of this, I’m just going to focus on seeing Aunt Sally from here on in, we better get a move on.”

Alex drove me to the airport, I hated leaving her, I told her I loved her and gave her a lingering kiss goodbye.

I walked out of the arrivals gate and Aunt Sally was waiting there with her friend Mavis, oh gosh Mavis was so annoying but, I knew I had to be grateful. Aunt Sally didn’t drive anymore, and Mavis had offered to help pick me up which was saving me a considerable taxi fee. I picked up my bag from the luggage carousel and walked out into a beautiful bright day. I looked up at the sky. There’s just something different about this sky although I couldn’t put my finger on what exactly. “Come on! I remember your Mum always used to tell me what a daydreamer you are!” and just like that, Aunt Sally had already brought up my Mum. I was hoping to not think about Mum, make this a trip about something else but I guess you just can’t avoid it when you go back to your hometown. I hadn’t been back since the funeral 10 years ago. There was always an excuse on my end but, well I made it didn’t I? I guess that’s step 1 out the way.

When Mum passed away I was too grief stricken to deal with the clean up of Mum’s house. Yet another thing I felt guilty about. All I could do was help load everything into boxes and deal with it later. The plan was to deal with a few of those Pandora’s boxes this trip. Who knows what memories they will trigger? My Aunt Sally kindly had offered her attic to store all the boxes. Not only are they stored in a scary, cobwebby, dusty place but who knows what I’ll find in those boxes! The day was still young, and Aunt Sally ordered me to freshen up to go down to the local café for a spot of brunch. I was pretty hungry from getting up at 4am for the flight so was looking forward to it. I wonder if I’ll bump into anyone I know down there?

We returned later after having had a full brunch followed by a bit of window shopping to ‘have room for dessert later’ as Aunt Sally called it. The attic. Always in the back of my mind but now it came to the front of it. I know my Aunt Sally wouldn’t mind if I didn’t look through it this trip but 10 years later most of that stuff I’ll probably throw away anyway. I’m here for a week, the plan was to at least try to start on day 3 of my visit; that’s when I’d plan to also meet up with Flora.

The next day I spent running errands around town with Aunt Sally. We stopped at the pharmacy and of course Aunt Sally knows everyone so while she was socializing, I was pretending to look at makeup because I did not want to be a part of those conversations and have to talk about…Mum. My watch started to vibrate, and I saw that Alex was calling me, I quickly answered the phone while thinking save me.

“Hey babe, how’s your little, small-town holiday going?”

“Yeah it’s good-” as I quickly ducked outside to get a little privacy finding a suitable spot to keep an eye out for Aunt Sally so I can wave her down when she walks out, “Just you know, everyone interrogating me about what I’ve been up to… especially Mavis! How are you going?”

“Yeah good just on my lunch break, thinking about you…it’s pretty lonely without you here.” Silence fell. Lately some sort of barrier has come between myself, my heart and the rest of the world, everything is so disconnected, the therapist calls it grief and I call it not wanting to feel and be in my own comfort bubble.

“Babe? You still there?”

“Yeah, sorry, I’m here. Miss you too, um I’m meeting up with Flora tomorrow so see what comes about with that hey?”

“Yeah sounds good babe, look I better go get some steps up, I’ll talk to you tonight. I love you and I’m only a phone call away if you need me.”

“I know, I love you, bye.”

Even though I slept well, I had had some strange and vivid dreams. Something about Flora showing me something…that’s right! A key! A key that looked exactly like the one from my childhood wardrobe that was in my childhood bedroom. The key was one of those ornate little keys, it used to be white but most of the paint had worn off revealing its dark grey metal core. I had opened up the wardrobe and inside was a gem…a pink diamond? What could that mean, I wondered. Might give a starting conversation with Flora at least.

A date with Flora hah! Just like the old days should we go on a picnic like we used to? Or remember when we went to school together. Or that time Mum was so mad because I tipped over the bag of flour she was baking her special cookies with. We ran like anything, turns out we weren’t in that much trouble but feels like you are at the time! I remember when a boy asked me out and Flora hid behind me, then when I kissed a girl for the first time, Flora was nowhere to be found. That was around the time me and Flora started to grow apart. Then not long after that Mum passed away. Those were some lonely times. I really wanted to reach out to Flora, but I was so angry! So angry at the world, I just wanted to run away or keep myself so busy I couldn’t think about the feelings I needed to process. Well, I never did process them and here we are. I took a big breath in and let out a long slow sigh.

Excitement lingered in the air while I went downstairs to grab some breakfast with renewed spirit.

“Well, today’s the day Aunt Sally.”

“The day for what?” not taking her eyes of the magazine.

“Well, I’m meeting up with Flora today- ”

“Don’t be silly!” she interjected.

“As I was saying and I’m going to sort some stuff out in the attic.”

“You really don’t have to dear…”

“You know I think you secretly like having that stuff there… guarantees me coming back doesn’t it?” we both laughed.

“You know dear, I know you don’t like talking about it much, but you remind me of your Mum so much and I want us to stay close always,” she drew a long breath in before continuing, “Look, I know I haven’t been the world’s greatest Aunt… had my own lot to deal with but, look, I can only give as much as I can and I’m always here for you.” I jumped up and gave her a big hug, something we rarely do.

Wow, I thought, that was pretty deep for Aunt Sally. I tried to open up but all that came out my mouth was the word “thanks”. I finished my breakfast to go get dressed to head up to the attic.

The attic held so many forgotten things including a lot of rubbish; do I really need a planner from the 90s with NSYNC on it? I doubt it. So many boxes I looked through until I came upon a suitcase. Oh, that’s right, I remember this suitcase and as I opened it, I felt my heart stop hoping this was the ‘box’ I was looking for. I felt relief and sadness wash over me. There was my teddy bear, light brown body, darker brown on the face, legs and arms. “Flora…” I whispered. All I could do was stare. Flora looked a little worse for wear, she was given to me when I was 5 years old, and Flora had been everywhere with me.

As I looked at Flora, I pondered. How does the adult me approach this? I felt my younger self fight with my older self. Was it them fighting or was I really fighting my emotions? It was too much to bear. Flora lied there innocent as always, beautiful, non-judgmental eyes looking into mine, a small black nose that was sadly more cracked than I remember but definitely displaying how well-loved she was…is? Could I hold her? Will she forgive me for keeping her in a suitcase abandoned when so much of my love and part of who I was became infused in her? I guess there was only one way to find out. I reached out my arms and picked her up and held her tightly, sobbing uncontrollably, repeating over and over “I’m sorry!”, “I’m sorry!” Sobbing for the loss of my youth, my childhood, my Mum, sobbing for the disconnect between myself, my heart, and the world. A piece of me locked, now free.