The Annoying Children: Hansel and Gretel

I honestly don't know what everyone is complaining about. There is food available - you just have to be resourceful. Take me for example: what some say I lack in the looks department is made up for by a large reservoir of cunning. Actually, regarding the looks, it helps when you have such weak eyesight: if I catch a glimpse of myself in a passing window pane I reckon I’m actually looking good for my age given the several centuries that have passed since I was born. Anyway, I digress; that’s what happens when you live all alone.

So, when the famine struck, I noticed that people started abandoning their children claiming that there isn’t enough food to go round. Personally, I don’t know why we get such a bad rap when people can do that to their own flesh and blood but then ordinary humans have never been renowned for their self-awareness. As someone who is very fond of children, this is a boon since it usually takes a lot of ingenuity separating offspring from their caregivers but they’re now being handed to me on a plate. Well, not literally, but that’s where they will end up. I once tried to lure an entire family into my cottage by wailing and pretending to be a frail old lady who’d had a fall but they soon realised something was amiss when they caught sight of the broomstick and the cauldron in the kitchen which was emitting a smell that they found offensive for some reason.

The idea then came to me that I should be solving a problem for them or giving them something they need (I am always way ahead of the times). Basically, the children I was seeing were starving and although you would think that they would therefore eat anything, amazingly they wouldn’t. When I tried to tempt them with deadly berries or roasted rats, they turned their noses up, started to wail and refused to eat which would have resulted in very unsatisfying meals once I’d cooked the scrawny creatures. That’s when I hit on the idea of enticing them in with the favourite food of all children – sugar!

To be honest, I really enjoyed tapping into my creative side and using my extensive knowledge of spells to create a children’s dream house. It took all my self-discipline to restrain myself when two children started to help themselves to parts of my carefully designed house. However, I’m good at keeping my eye on the end goal and that is a  tasty supper to keep me going until the next hungry children walk by.

I’d noticed these two children yesterday when I thought I heard a wood cutter. I tend to avoid adults because they stare so much when they see me – and their expressions are not ones of admiration which is very rude, in my opinion. However, when I peeked round the tree nearest to the noise, it was just a branch that had been tied high up in the tree and the wind was causing it to make an axe noise as it bumped into the tree trunk. They both appeared to think it was their father busy working away but I’d seen him reluctantly leave them within ten minutes and walk away with the most annoying woman who just scolded him incessantly. How on earth did he listen to that all day long? At least the children wouldn’t have to hear that screeching any more once I’d finished with them. They would probably never thank me but I always think it’s important to be positive about your choice of actions.

So the children stopped to eat some – actually far too much - of my wonderful house and I put on my best kindly old woman impression and invited them in. They were clearly exhausted and as it was already dusk, I offered them beds for the night which they gratefully accepted. The trouble is that they are rather thin so I’m going to have to fatten them up before I can even think of having a nice feast.

When they awoke, I tried to explain this plan which unfortunately didn’t go down too well. Did they really think I was going to give them all this food with nothing in return? The boy – Hansel – even tried to escape while shouting to the girl, Gretel, to follow him so I had to lock him up. I explained that they  would simply starve wandering around outside but if he stayed here, they could eat plenty. But children can be so ungrateful sometimes and they just carried on wailing. It’s alright for the cat: she can just slink off to shut out the caterwauling.  

Meanwhile, every day, I’m checking the finger of Hansel through the bars to see if it is losing the scrawny look but it’s honestly not changing at all. It’s also very knotty – more like an old man’s finger and it feels like it’s peeling away in parts. Maybe he has some terrible disease? This is when I wish I had better eyesight but I have no choice but to rely on touch. The other strange thing is that it feels longer on some days than others. I know children grow but would such a small child have fingers as long as this? Maybe he is a very good pianist at home – I’ve heard that they have long fingers. Gretel is actually doing a decent job of feeding her brother even though she seems to be upset all the time. Maybe she’s jealous of him getting most of the food after she’s had to prepare it all.

After four weeks, I’ve lost patience and these miserable children are very annoying. I need my space back so I have thought up a cunning plan. I’ve told Gretel that we are going to cook Hansel but first we will bake some bread. We’re not actually going to bake bread of course; the reason I’ve lit the oven is to fool Gretel into getting into it and then I can cook her first. She’s been following my orders for the last four weeks so I’m sure she’ll do as I ask when I ask her to climb in and check whether it is hot enough.

Honestly, does this girl not understand anything? She says she doesn’t know how to get inside the oven to check the temperature so I’m going to show her that the opening is big enough for her to get in. Gosh, the heat is rather overwhelming now that I’m bending down with my head in front of it which is excellent because it means it won’t take long at all to cook the children. I can feel Gretel and Hansel’s eyes on me but wait a minute, what was that? I’m being pushed. I try to turn my head and see Gretel and Hansel cheering as the flames surround me and I start to scream…