Signs From Above

“Who’s up next?”

“We have someone new at station three.”

“Stats?”

“Fifty-nine year old female. Stress level 8, depression rising quickly threatening 10, suicide risk 2.”

“You want to give this one a shot?”

“Me?”

“Why not you?”

“I’m still in training.”

“You’re ready. Start with observation.”

***

“I just can’t do this anymore, I really cannot do this anymore,” Ruth thought for the millionth time. 

She still heard her boss’s commands in her head. “Tap, tap, tap, tap, tap.” Like a woodpecker tapping at her brain. It had taken a minute to realize she meant “Tab, tab, tab” her heavy accent confusing her, not understanding the rapid fire instructions on how to enter the data by tabbing through the fields. She froze at her desk hearing that ‘tap, tap, tap’ command. That in itself wasn’t a big deal, she knew that rationally, but it was the last straw. Made her want to ‘tap out’, pun intended.

***

Start with observation. 

Exterior: Cheeks flushed. Somewhat disheveled. Energy level age appropriate. Weight within normal limits.

Interior: Rapid heartbeat. Intestinal blockage. Slight ringing in ears.

Brain activity: Depression and anger cells brightly lit. Thoughts going in circular loop. 

***

She put her backpack down on the smooth rock and took some deep cleansing breaths. “Change the channel,” she instructed herself. She felt resentful that her long awaited weekend trip was plagued by work anxiety. 

“Let it go. Please just let it go.”

She forced her attention to her surroundings. It really was beautiful, worth every step of the hike up although she could hardly remember the ascent so preoccupied she was with her situation.

The work load had increased since the layoffs. Yes, she was fortunate to have her job, but was it worth it? Her paycheck increased, her nest egg grew, but her plans continued to stay on hold. She finally had more than enough for her European cruise but couldn’t pull the trigger with the travel agency. Did she dare do her first solo trip? Self-doubt gripped her every time she placed the cursor over ‘submit’. 

The “Sunday scaries” had prompted her to redo her resume and send it out. The ease of clicking on jobs became addictive as she sat in her pajamas under the blanket uploading haphazardly into the abyss. She doubted anyone would evaluate her skills and consider her worthy.

“Do a Starbucks run, ask everyone what they want.” Her boss had placed the company credit card down on her desk earlier that day. She went around with her clipboard taking orders. When did she become the waitress, the errand girl? Her degree in business had been set aside to take care of Robert, and, therefore, never amounted to much. At her age she was grateful that someone, anyone, had taken a chance, allowing her to return to the work force.

“When you get back you can fold the laundry.” 

Fold the laundry? She had stopped in her tracks. Fold the laundry? The sheets had to be changed routinely, she understood that. Cutting back their laundry service to save a few dollars meant she was now the laundry girl?

“You’re so lucky, you work in a spa,” her friends had told her repeatedly. Did they think she was lying on the table listening to meditation music selected by Alexa? She was the one wiping down the stations, throwing out the garbage, stocking supplies, taking coffee orders, and now apparently folding the laundry. All at a rapid pace, all with a smile on her face as the patients streamed into their overbooked and overpriced clinic.

“Tap, tap, tap.” Add billing to her list. While a good opportunity to learn this new skill, the impatience and apparent anger at her needing clear instructions and time to absorb the material made it the last straw. Tap, tap, tap my ass. She was ready to walk out.

***

Awww, poor thing. She’s so overwhelmed she can’t come up for air. Continuing the observation, the heartache deep inside became apparent. It sat buried at the core of her being, unprocessed for years.  

Heart condition: Grieving.

***

Ruth sat back on the boulder taking in the view as the tension began to leave her body. The sunset was magnificent over the mountain, shimmering on the lake just as it had all those years ago.

“Robert.” She tested the water by saying his name out loud. The pain wasn’t searing, had dulled over time. She allowed her thoughts to drift back to their life together at the very spot where she and Robert had fallen in love. Placing her hands on the smooth surface of that rock, she smiled thinking of their first kiss in the moonlight. Young and fearless, they had the world at their fingertips with endless plans for the future. The devastating diagnosis shortly after their wedding day had led to years of suffering and unanswered prayers. The day that Robert died was the day that Ruth was left to go through the motions of life alone. 

***

“Robert,” her voice making its way up into the vastness. “Show me a sign.”

Ruth’s unshed tears were absorbed up to the heavens and rained down upon the mountain in all its glory.

***

Shocked by the sudden rainstorm she laughed at the timing, surprised at her reaction. “Robert!” She pushed the damp hair out of her face. She had asked for a sign. Was it possible? He knew how much she loved the rain, the cozy feeling of them hiding away in their cabin, venturing out for a walk holding hands.

She looked up again filled with wonder. Was he still there looking after her, sending her a sign showing her the way? Had he been trying to reach her all along, but she had been too closed off to notice? The guidance and companionship missing all these years was possibly closer than she had dared to dream possible.

Once again Ruth thought of her job, her desire to quit, to finally walk away. She could change it all, she realized from the mountaintop, the distance giving her clarity. Having enough savings, she could go on her dream cruise and then take some time off to reflect and regroup. She could follow up on the responses she had received from her resume, shocked as they had trickled in. The last few years running the spa gave her the experience to put her back in demand. A new life is possible, she just needed the nerve, the slight push to set it all in motion. 

Looking up into the darkened sky, she once again called out for a sign.

***

“Your job is to not interfere.”

She had heard that multiple times. She knew it, but she was not one to follow every procedure, to cross every T, to dot every I.  She believed that there were exceptions to the rule, the human spirit more important than her manual of regulations.

She looked down at her first assignment. She was seeking comfort, acknowledgement, validation feeling alone in the world. Her problems felt monumental affecting her daily life, her health and wellbeing. She deserved some peace, some happiness. She had earned it.

Concentrating she focused on her brightness. She had practiced on the mountain animals, the squirrels and rabbits, working her way up to the deer and finally bears. She felt the connection as she had set her gaze upon them. She was one with them.

***

Ruth gasped. That star! As if someone had turned the switch it went from dim to bright in the dark sky. She stared in awe feeling something within her stir, a positivity entered her psyche. Feeling a strong connection, she couldn’t look away. Her breathing became slow and even, her thoughts calm for the first time in months, the ringing in her ears quiet, the absence making her aware of its presence. 

***

“Can I see you in my office?”

She was surprised, but not surprised, as she knew she had broken protocol, on her first assignment no less. She looked down to see the light shining from the mountaintop, the swirl of despair mixed with grief were gone. 

Final diagnosis: Peace.

Prognosis: Excellent.

It was worth breaking a few rules, she decided, sending down one last twinkle.