Nothing and Everything

Nothing…

Liquid darkness flowed around her like empty molasses. Black and breathless wind.

Caderea’s eyes slowly blinked open. Confusion faded in and out of her mind. Then,

memory dawned, one piece at a time.

The Tesser Engine had collapsed inward, dragging the ship into itself. After only

a few seconds the entire drive system crumpled, sending warping arms of destruction

outward. The Peregrine’s body was thrown in all directions. Fractured metal bones,

flung aimlessly into the black vacuum. Hundreds of souls, gone in seconds.

Caderea would have been killed with everyone else, had she not been working

on one of the Peregrine’s Outrigger satellites. She had been the ship’s chief engineer

and liked to keep a close eye on every part of it. Unfortunately, not close enough to

save it and those on board. She was far enough away to protect her from assured

death, but not to protect her from the wave of destructive debris cast out by the

explosion. She had been working on an outer panel of the Outrigger and was only

attached by a thin safety line. As giant hunks of twisted shrapnel flew by, one sliced

through the safety line. The side of the metallic rope attached to her was caught in this

piece of debris. As the ship-bone continued its descent into space, it took her with it.

She had managed to release her harness, but by then it was too late. So now she

floated in the void.

Thinking back to those first awful minutes, the unwilling explorer of the dark

almost wished that she had been on the ship. At least there her death would have been

quick. Not like this dark empty torture she now felt. She did not know how long ago it

was that this had happened. An hour… A day… Ten minutes… She couldn’t tell which.

They all seemed meaningless now. Time is not easy when you have nothing to tie it

down to. It is like keeping track of one cloud. When the rest of the sky is blue, this is an

easy task. When the cloud is one of many, however, all it takes is one distracted glance

away, and the cloud is lost to a host of doppelgängers. That was how time now

seemed to Caderea. No reference, just a horrible event that had happened at a point

beyond recognition.

She knew she must be moving at great speeds because of the velocity at which

she had been yanked from the satellite, but she did not feel it. She wondered if she

really did know it. To know is to experience, and yet, she experienced no movement.

She was not going anywhere. She was now in, and remained in, nowhere. There was

no connection to measure herself to. No standard. No ground on which to stand. Even

when she moved her own hand, it did not seem meaningful when displayed on that

black abyss.

Stars were there, but at the same time they were not. They were too small, too

far to be anything real. They did not change, they did not move. The were like the

image of light burned on your retina from looking at something too bright. Only a

memory of the real thing. Not real itself. A glowing footprint of the real. Caderea

thought it all, perhaps, an illusion. A trick of her mind, trying to offer help. But it did not

help, for who can offer help to herself. You cannot catch yourself if you are falling. And

that was what she was doing, all she was doing. Falling, but not getting anywhere.

Falling in place.

Suddenly, there was a faint crackle in her helmet. Odd because she was sure the

transmitter on the side of her helmet had been knocked loose by a small shard that had

narrowly missed her face. A dim light seemed to be coming from behind her. Caderea

writhed about, frantically, trying to turn around. Eventually she turned enough to see

the source of light. Salvation. A ship, a distance away, but it was coming towards her.

The radio in her helmet crackled again.

“Hello…” said a voice, full of static and strangeness. “Hello…Do you read…”

Caderea’s eyes grew tearful, like the ocean at spring tide, about to overflow. The

sound of a human voice. So wonderful. It felt like all of time had past since she had

heard that beautiful noise.

“Hello?” Said the voice again, this time a bit less bound up by static crackling. In

her surge of emotion, Caderea had forgotten to respond.

“I’m here.” As she said these words, she was shocked by the sound of her own

voice as well. It somehow did not feel like her own. Almost as if there was someone

else in the helmet with her, answering on her behalf. After a few moments, Caderea

realized that the voice sounded familiar, almost… No she wouldn’t let herself hope any

more. She could not stand against any more destruction. Even if it was simply that of a

little hope.

“This is Terron Thellom, assistant chief engineer.” The hope was not destroyed.

Instead it was resurrected. “Please identify yourself…Who are you?”

The spring tides in Caderea’s eyes flooded on land. She could not help but

weep at such joy. A miracle.

“It’s me Terron! It’s Caderea! It’s me!”

“Cad? Is it really you?” Terron’s voice was much clearer in the speaker, almost

fully real sounding now. It was also full of an obvious joy.

“Yes!” It was all she could manage between shaky breaths.

“Dear God! It really is you. I thought you were gone like the others. I thought I’d

never see you again.”

“How…How did you get out?” Caderea had assumed that she had been the

only one far enough from the blast to survive.

“Too much to explain now. I’ll catch you up once you’re on board. Just hang

tight for a few more minutes.”

And she did hang tight. Tight to the miracle dream of reality. She could hardly

wrap her head around it. The odds of this happening were so small they were

nonexistent. The thought of anyone surviving then finding her was hard enough to

believe, but the fact of that someone being her closest friend was truly impossible.

Terron had been like the younger brother she never had. Caderea and he had found

companionship from the start. Neither had known anything more than the name of the

person they would be working with for the foreseeable future. The relief they had both

felt when realizing that they shared a hardworking, intelligent, trustworthy and

occasionally goofish spirit was palpable. In fact, at the end of their first conversation,

Terron had rather straightforwardly said, “You have no idea what a relief you are.” And

Caderea couldn’t help agreeing. Since then they had grown into a truly impressive

team, getting the Peregrine out of many close scrapes.

Then the reality settled in her mind…They had failed to protect the ship and her

crew from the last scrape. A wound that had eviscerated her home of the past five

years. All without being seen. She had double checked everything in the engineering

before heading to the outrigger satellites. Everything looked…seemed…was… fine.

Even if she hadn’t, Terron knew the system just as well as she did. There could not

have been better hands to leave the ship in. And yet, neither one of them had seen the

impending waterfall in the dark river they floated on. A dark surprise, from which there

was no escape.

Caderea snapped from her tempest of regret as she realized Terron’s ship was

much closer now. She could now see that the ship was the Peregrin’s Stellar Raft, a life

boat of sorts. Since the Peregrin had been highly automated, the large ship had a

relatively small crew in comparison. The Raft was not a very large craft, but it was

designed to hold the entire crew if need be, albeit in a rather cramped manner. Most of

the ship was full of hyper-sleep pods, neatly situated in a grid, to ensure the crew

would use up a minimum of space and supplies. Caderea wondered how Terron had

managed to get to the Raft before the explosion and if anyone else had made it out in

time.

Terron’s voice filled her helmet. “You’re almost safe Cad! I’ll send one of the

Tether Drones to pull you in.”

A segment in the front of the ship, just below the Nav-Center opened up like a

gaping mouth. A small drone was launched out, drifting gently until it cleared the door,

then jetting towards Caderea. Little halos of blue emanated from its many nano

thrusters. As it reached its target, the six metal arms flexed, wrapping themselves

around Caderea. The thrusters engaged again, gently tugging her towards the Raft.

Towards salvation and safety.

As the outer door to the airlock closed, she heard the hissing of air rushing into

the room. The Mag-Grav kicked in, increasing to full strength over the span of a few

second. Mag-Grav tech was created with the help of thousands of tiny electromagnets

throughout her suit. As she moved, the magnets did too, flowing with increasing and

decreasing strength to accurately simulate gravity. It was somewhat new technology,

only invented in the last 50 years or so and still had some wrinkles to be ironed out.

Caderea was somewhat shocked at how well it was working, considering what she had

just been through. Was it really just? It felt like an eternity ago and also current

simultaneously. Like trying to remember when in the night a specific dream had

occurred. She felt as if her perception of time had been blended up and poured out. A

temporal smoothie.

The inner door began to open with several loud clinks. Mechanical clinks.

Rhythmic metal. Reminding her of the engine complex she had called home. Once that

hard shiny sound would have felt warm and comforting to her. Now, it was only the

dripping blood of a happy memory, killed by perspective.

As it opened, Caderea saw a face, unreal, almost ghostlike coming towards her

through the central corridor. Horrible memories. No, not memories. This was now, not

then. This was her best friend, no ghost.

Terron ran to her and hugged her without a word. Tears fell on each others

shoulders. The warmth of human touch, that most concrete, palatable companionship

imaginable. This was the feeling of laying on a rock, in the middle of a stream, and

letting the sun bathe you, wrap you in its golden airy blanket. They stood like this with

no concern for time. What importance is time when you are comforted by a true friend.

Ragged breaths escaped Caderea as the loneliness fell to the ground, held in tears.

She held onto her hope and could not let it go.

Finally she broke that holy silence.

“How…How did you make it out?” Her voice was shivering, like all things trying

to recover from the cold. “When I left, you were in the corridor and…How did you get

out? What happened? What did I do wrong?”

She was overtaken by a wave in the ocean of grief that she swam in. Her legs

crumpled under her. Her vision swam and it felt like the ship was shaking beneath her.

Lights flickered, or was it her eyes. Her mind playing tricks. Terron caught her and

supported her. The shaking stopped. The flickering stopped. They moved slowly to a

cold metal bench jutting out of the wall several feet away and sat.

“Easy now,” he said, in a surprisingly calm voice. “Let’s not get into that right

now. First, I need to get you to the med cove. I’ll explain everything once I’m sure

you’re up to it.”

She was too drained to answer him and simply went along willingly as he helped

her walk shakily through a small door in the side of the corridor. The room they entered

was not very large. The simple space was all that was necessary for the medical

equipment this ship carried. A Med-pod lay on a pedestal, along one wall, at about

waste height. The pod started to life as they entered. Its transparent top half melted

into its sides. Terron helped her lower herself onto the floor of the pod. Its cushions felt

like a cloud as she eased herself onto her back. As the lid began to close its flowing

self over her, she suddenly reached up her hand to Terron, who stood beside the pod.

He grabbed her gently, but not weakly.

“Don’t go anywhere,” she whispered in a quiet, exhausted voice.

He looked down at her with a warm smile and an emphatic look in his eyes.

“I’m not going anywhere. I’ll stay right here.”

With this she released from his grip and lowered her arm to her side. The top

closed itself. From Caderea’s perspective it looked like the surface of a lake viewed

from underwater. The lights from the room refracted into the pod in a bent and warped

fashion. The surface shimmered with thousands of little blue lights. The lights came

together into a familiar face. The same avatar that had been the only doctor that she

and anyone else had known for more than 100 years. It was a subset of the vast neural

network that had helped run much of the Peregrin.

“Scan commencing. Please remain still until the sedatives take effect,” the

flowing face said, in a melodic and friendly voice. There was nothing about it that could

be specifically labelled as inhuman sounding, yet, there was still something that

differentiated it from that of a real human. Some hollow note that should be played by a

soul.

Caderea waited for the feeling of sleep to come over her as the calming drugs

entered her system. Though she had been through this hundreds of times before in her

life, this time something felt different. A feeling. A terrifying feeling crept forward from

the deep of her mind. Dread. She could not understand. Why dread? There was no

reason to be scared anymore. She was safe.

Why were those sedatives taking so long to kick in?

She had Terron back. She was simply imagining things because she was so

exhausted. That must be it. There was no reason for fear. Once she woke up, any

medical procedures would be done. Then she could finally talk to Terron and have him

explain…No! She couldn’t think about what he would be explaining.

Why were the sedatives taking so long?

But she could not help thinking. No sleep means thoughts and something in her

would not let her sleep. Her memories of the initial explosion began to surface and

sharpen in her mind. No! But she could not ignore them.

Sleep. Please sleep. But sleep would not come.

Caderea had seen the beginning of the explosion coming from the Tesser

Engine. That was right where Terron would have been. He couldn’t have gotten out…

But no. Maybe he had known somehow and managed to get to…

No! A word that tore through her consciousness like a flaming arrow.

Sleep now! Sleep! Sleep! SLEEP!

No!

She had seen more of the explosion. She had seen it move across decks. Along

the ship she knew so well. She had seen it tear…tear through the docked form of…

The Raft. It had been destroyed. Along with everything else. Along with Terron.

The lights around her slowly began fading to darkness. Like a hammer on an

anvil, reality struck her.

None of this was real.

No help. No Ship. No Med avatar. No safety. No Terron. No companionship. No

Hope.

She realized now why she could not sleep, for what is sleep in a dream?

The darkness came, flowing over her, into her, through her. Ink spilled on what

And so the dream ended, not with a bang, but with a whimper. A realization had

was real and fake.

cost her…

Nothing.

It meant everything, but it was nothing. Nothing but a dream.

Nothing left but nothing.

Empty, dark void.