Line Between Love and Loyalty

Where I grew up loyalty was everything. It’s imbedded in the culture there. Written into us like the scars on our skin. You learn early that the lines between love and loyalty become almost indistinguishable in the grand scheme of things. You lived and died by it. In our world it’s us and then there’s them and it’s us we’ve got to protect, at all costs. I think that’s what happens when family is all you have.

I thought about that as the judge stared down at me from her seat on the bench. Her brown eyed stare was hard and unwavering. Her face looked to be cemented in a permanent scowl. I wondered if she could see the guilt I carried firmly for the boy I considered my brother. The brother in question went by the name Lucas. He was younger than me by a year and a few months, though his eyes, like mine had aged well past our adolescence. He’d seen too much too young and no longer had the privilege of keeping his innocence. My mother used to say the kids around here liked to play adult games. I couldn’t disagree. I didn’t like the games. I didn’t have the right street smarts for them. Sometimes I didn't know if that was a good or a bad thing. On days like this one I wished I had the nerves to play the game.

“Good morning ladies and gentlemen. Court is now in session.” The judge’s voice rang out loudly throughout the small, artificially lit room. Her voice was followed immediately by a hard slap of the gavel on wood.

In the rows behind me, sat my mother who’s eyes were red rimmed and wary. I couldn’t bring myself to look at her for long. It felt like I wouldn’t be able to hide the dread from creeping up and clouding my vision. I didn’t want to cry in-front of these people. That was a vulnerability I couldn’t allow myself. We’d had a few of these hearings over the last month. This was the sentencing day. Today they would decide my future. I'd have a better chance, my attorny had said, If I tell the truth. What a weight to carry.

I thought back to the beginning, back to that evening Lucas and I had walked to the nearest carry out. We were a couple blocks from home. The sun had long disappeared behind the cluster of buildings and houses that lined the quiet street. It was midsummer, and the night breeze was a welcome relief from the days heat. The glow of the carry out was the only real light, save for a few porch lights that illuminated the mostly empty parking lot. I had sat on the curb, pulling a cigarette out of its package and stuffing the rest back into my back pocket. Lucas laid his blue back pack down next to me. He said he was going inside to get a few things and he’d be right back. He was running his hands through his light blonde hair like he usually did when he was nervous. A fact I didn’t really pay much attention to at the time. I nodded at him, unconcerned. I was too preoccupied with curfew and how mom was going to more or less kill me if I didn’t get back home soon. I heard the shrill ding of the door bell signaling the door opening. Five minutes later and Lucas came barreling out the door carrying a bottle in his hand. The door swung wide open as an angry clerk yelled from behind the counter.

“Dude, run!” Lucas yelled motioning me to follow him.

Confused, but not trying to get in trouble I grabbed his bag and followed suit. We ran down the street and then through a few back yards, climbing over fences and ducking behind trees. We thought we were mostly in the clear after a few minutes when nothing happened. The quiet seemed to stretch all around us like time had frozen still. My heart was beating rapidly in my chest, like I’d just run a race. I looked over at Lucas who was breathing just as loudly as I was. We continued on our way home, being extra careful of cars driving by. We had almost made it when we heard the sirens. Two cop cars, their lights casting shadows on the concrete came speeding by. We tried to make a run for it but there was nowhere to go. They were there, surrounding us. I put my hands up automatically dropping the bag on the ground. Cuffing us both they made had us stand with our legs apart so they could search us. I was clean of course, except for the cigarettes and Lucas had nothing on his person except the bottle I could now fully see was Schnapps. Idiot. There were a few things I didn’t know that evening. I didn’t know that Lucas had, stuffed in a little zipper pocket of the back pack was an even smaller baggie full of chalky white pills. That day, Lucas had unknowingly made me into a liar. The promise I made to stay out of trouble, to get mom out of that house, to be there for my little sister. All lies now. So I guess it wasn’t a surprise when I lied about the bag being mine. He was my brother. How was I supposed to value my life over his? I was stronger anyway, I told myself. I could handle more. I thought that was true at the time. I'd hoped it was true. But I hadn’t heard from him since that night nearly two months ago. I heard he had gotten out on bail. He hadn’t shown up to any of the hearings, or even written a simple letter. Maybe he was trying to lay low? Maybe he didn't realize the situation I was in. Which game was this?

Rising from our seats, the judge asked the small pew of people off to the right of the room to give their verdict.

“Jury, how do you find the defendant?”

I didn’t know about this part of loyalty. I didn’t understand how loyalty could feel so lonely. I held my breath. Time stood still once again.

“Guilty your honor.”