Fiction Kids Suspense




Saturday, September 23rd, 2023, we were leaving the “Wander Camp

Grand Canyon” camp site to go watch the sunset over the Grand Canyon

as we had every night since Thursday evening when we arrived for our

weekend getaway for the last days of summer. Depressed was an

understatement for how I was feeling, but as we all know, all good things

come to an end eventually. You know, just like summer does, then it starts

getting chili in the fall, and blistering cold in the winter. But that’s a whole other

story we can dive into later. My family and I were sitting in the back of the

minivan with the hatch opened watching the sunset one last time before we

headed back hours away to our home (it was kind of a family tradition for

us to watch the sunset at this point). My mom was keeping up with the time

on her phone waiting to give us a countdown. “Okay guys, its 6:23 p.m., 1

minute, help me countdown.” We all smiled with heavy hearts and lumps in

our throat knowing this was the end of our vacation. “60, 59, 58, 57…” We

began counting backwards from 60 (In my opinion I don’t know why we

start at 60 but it has been that way for years, so no need in changing now.)

“5, 4, 3, 2, 1!” We all counted the suns exit down to zero, with frowns on our

faces we all watched as the last section of sun dipped down below the

canyon. Dad turned and looked at me and my brother “Well, that’s it boys,

we go home tomorrow, so let’s go back to the tent and enjoy the night.” But

my brother nudged me because he had noticed something miraculous

happening. When I looked up I couldn’t believe my eyes, “Dad! Look, it’s

coming back!” The sun! It was slowly rising back up over the horizon! My

dad stood in aww as he watched this happening “What the heck is going

on?” he said to us all. My mom, standing with her arms hanging down by

her side, and her mouth gaped wide open saying “I’ve never seen anything

like this before in my life.” As we slowly watched the sun coming back in

reverse at a distance, like it made a complete circle beneath the earth. We

all just stood there with our jaws catching dust, because they had

absolutely hit the ground. After a few minutes of looking at the

phenomenon we had just witnessed, my dad finally said “Okay kids, get

back in the van, we, we, have a long day ahead of us tomorrow.” I had

never witnessed my dad at a loss for words, he was always a talker, but he

was disoriented. So we all climbed back into the van to head back to the

campsite to rest up for our journey back home when my mom said “I’m

going to google this and see if this has ever happened before.” We all

agreed that it was a great idea and she took her phone out of her purse.

She touched the screen of her iPhone to light the screen up when she let

out a cry that shook us all “Oh my God, Oh my goodness!” Me, my brother,

and dad all 3 yelled back “What is it?! What’s wrong?!” My mom, now pale

in color looked as if she had saw a ghost. “Guys, um, something crazy,

beyond anything I’ve ever seen or heard of is going on.” Me and my brother

were becoming agitated at not knowing what was going on screamed

“Mom, what is it?” Mom finally caught her breath, turned to look at all 3 of

us and said “When my phone lit up, I noticed the date and time, guys, it

says Friday, September 22nd, 2023, and not only that, it also says it’s 6:14

a.m.” We all 4 looked at each other in disbelief, this couldn’t be true, so I

said to my brother “Joseph, pull out your phone and see what your date

and time says, maybe moms has something malfunctioned on it.” So

Joseph went ahead and did so, he pulled his phone out and same thing,

Friday, September 22nd, 2023, 6:14 a.m. ‘We’re stuck in time’ I thought to

myself “Dad, let’s check our phones” I said hastily. Dad and I both pulled

our phones out, and no change, they both said the same as my mothers

and brothers, Friday, September 22nd, 2023, 6:14 a.m. Then my dad very

confused turned to us and said “We have been checking phones for at the

least a minute” Mom replied, “Yea and your point?” With a slight giggle.

“Well why do all the phones say 6:14 a.m.?” We all looked at our phones

again, still yet 6:14 a.m. By this time we were all so confused and quite

frankly, scared. We had no clue what was going on, what was to come,

nothing, not a clue as to what had happened. So I thought fast “Dad, turn

the radio on and see if anything is being said about weird sunsets or

anything, I don’t know” I said with a slightly confusing giggle. So dad did

just that, he turned the radio on, found a news station channel and we

waited. All we heard was things about the election coming up in 2024,

about if the coronavirus was back on the rise or was it just the regular flu,

but nothing about the catastrophe of a reoccurring sunrise. “What is wrong

with people?!” I shouted out, “The sun has set and rose again within a 1

minute span, and nobody is even talking about it. Dad, we have to get out

of here and get back home!” My dad turned to me and said “Son, you may

be a kid, but I agree with you one hundred percent, let’s get out of here

tonight!” My dad stomped on the gas and floored our van up a slope we

were heading up in the road. As we approached the tip of the slope the sun

was beaming in our faces, so bright that we were shielding our eyes, and

dad was swerving all over the road in the van. It just kept getting brighter

and brighter until it was burning my eyes “Oh my God” I yelled out. I came

to, lying in my sleeping bag under the tent we had been staying in all

weekend. I looked over and saw Mom, Dad, and Joseph all laying in their

sleeping bags sound asleep, so I lie back down in my sleeping bag and

closed my eyes. It was all just a dream.

Posted Sep 01, 2023
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15 likes 6 comments

Levi Michael
22:04 Sep 16, 2023

Hello Arlin
I was prompted to your story by Reedsy's Critique Circle.
I'm a relatively new writer so please take everything I say with a grain of salt.
Your concept is entertaining. They all check the news to see if everyone else in the world is also experiencing the same phenomenon. Nice.
You build an immersive world around the family and their traditions, and the characters are somewhat well defined. I was able to picture them pretty easily. I believe one of the best things a writer can do is not make the reader work too hard to envision what you are trying to get across. I felt like you did this quite well.
Your story may fall under the category of flash fiction. I have noticed that in flash fiction some conventions are abandoned for a more poetic kind of prose. if this was your intent then some of my points may not apply.

Here are three things I think you could have done to make this story stronger:
1) formatting dialogue:
You chose to unconventionally format your dialogue. I understand if this was a conscious choice. plenty of great writers do it and I had no problem following the dialogue. the story moves fast. good pacing. but, had the dialogue been formatted more conventionally I feel the story could have moved even more fluidly. I find that when dialogue is formatted well, the reader can almost forget that they are reading. Which, I feel is one of the best things a writer can do. make the reader forget they are reading so they can become immersed in the material.
2) Two of your characters, the mother and the main character, both "giggle" during this epic and scary event. was this also intentional? Maybe a product of the absurdity of the dreamscape world they are experiencing? if it was not a conscious choice then I would have liked the responses to have been more appropriate for the event they are experiencing. it took me out of it for a moment and I had to read back to make sure I hadn't missed something.
3) I would like to echo Patricia's sentiment. The "It was all a dream" trope can be very cliche. although I believe no tropes or cliches are ever off the table.

All that being said, I enjoyed reading your story and look forward to reading more of you work. Keep it coming.
good luck, and happy writing.

P.S. It would mean a lot to me if you were able to read and critique one of my stories.

Reply

Tom Skye
15:25 Sep 09, 2023

Nicely written with some very funny elements.

Good job

Reply

Arlin Couch
18:07 Sep 09, 2023

Appreciate the comment so much! Glad you enjoyed!

Reply

Patricia Casey
13:19 Sep 09, 2023

Arlin,

It might be nice to have a day begin over again, especially during summer. Since it hasn't happened before, you add suspense to your story through the characters' fear. That fear seems realistic.

I think your story could be improved by not ending it as a dream. Here is a resource explaining why using that cliche isn't good: https://thewritelife.com/cliches-avoid-4-story-endings-readers-will-hate/.

I hope this helps. Keep writing!

Patricia

Reply

Arlin Couch
18:07 Sep 09, 2023

Thank you so much for commenting, maybe I will go back sometime and add more and see where all I can take it.

Reply

Patricia Casey
13:30 Sep 10, 2023

That's a good idea.

Reply

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