The First Tuesday

Large cold raindrops were like claws seeping through the skin. Damian turned the bouquet upside down to save the petals and moved to stand under the canopy. The train was delayed.

Mia came to her hometown on the first Tuesday of each month, in the evening, for exactly three days. She would audit the factory's finance and accounting department and then go back to the main office. Probably, of all the people awaiting her arrival, only Damian anticipated it, not feared. Until today.

It was already quite dark. Damian was squirming in the October chill and wondered what he was doing here.

Every time Mia stayed with him. She was tough with everybody but actually nice with him. She liked to keep everything in order and made his rather empty disorganized life toned and colorful for a moment. He cooked breakfasts and dinners, planned leisure activities, and enjoyed three days of companionship and intimacy. Whether Mia enjoyed those days or simply avoided boredom, he never understood. He loved her, but the idea of her never loving him back had not occurred to him until this morning.

The morning was crisp and clear, as it should be in October, and nothing foretold a tiny detail would profoundly change the way he saw his life.

He was standing on the balcony smoking and looking down the street. An elderly couple was coming from the store. He was carrying a large bag and she was carrying a net of apples. They were eating ice cream, although not a very popular sweet in such a weather, and good-spirited laughter reached him.

Damian finished his cigarette a bit faster than usual, stubbed it out, and carried the ashtray into the apartment to clean it. And all of a sudden, he was pierced with so unbearable sadness that he closed his eyes and almost howled. 

He realized that he would never have such a future with Mia like those two. She didn't love him, and no matter how long he may wait or hope, that was unlikely to change.

The pouring rain changed to drizzle, and there was no news about the train. Well, for Damian, the whole day was like this. He was thinking, what could possibly future hold for him if he didn’t open his eyes and continued spending time with Mia for like… about thirty days yearly, as it’s been for several years already. He reminded himself one more time that Mia had never promised him anything, and knowing the way she treated people, one day she might just not show up, forgetting to tell him, for example, about a transfer to another department or a promotion.

Now, all the memories of her indifference and questionable actions made him literally scared of the life he’s been living. How many more years should he wait for her every first Tuesday until she comes as a newlywed with a husband? How many more years will he fear thinking of asking another woman out?

That girl in the office, Vivian, she definitely likes him. Why on earth did he refuse to go to the cinema with her? Did he hurt her? Will she accept a new invitation? Maybe, it’s time to have a cup of coffee together. Well, what if her making all those sweet gestures actually meant she felt about him the same way he felt about Mia?

With wet fingers, he took out a cigarette and, not at the first attempt, lit it.

Although the picture of the loveless future with Mia was scary, the whole situation still felt like a harbor. He knew the schedule and could enjoy both the company and the solitude, not thinking much about any official commitments.

He was fidgeting and nervous, so he stubbed out his half-smoked cigarette.

He started wondering about a lot of things that are pretty common and clear for most people. What is it like to see the same person on the pillow next to you every morning? What is it like to share so many experiences, develop closeness and a true, long-standing bond? Is it actually better than something he has now? Maybe, he is unable to compromise, learn all the small things and preferences of a totally new person. Maybe, he is not worth loving if Mia hasn't felt anything for him yet.

The announcement made him get back to reality. The train was going to arrive in three minutes. It was like a ticking bomb, and a wave of total overwhelm covered him. He wanted to stay and run at the same time, to hug her and never let go but also never see her again. Pain, almost literal physical pain filled his chest, and he had to crouch, trying to relax.

Would it be mean to simply disappear? She knows where he lives and can come herself. She can call. It can be a great chance for her to show how she actually feels about him. Whether she needs him.

He managed to stop the shortness of breath, stood up, and started walking back and forth. Both ways were horrifying: sticking to someone who feels nothing or giving it up and starting from scratch again. Be it Vivian or anyone else, maybe it’s time to try a real relationship and have some kind of a less predictabe but more fulfilling family life?

He saw the light of the approaching train, and all his thoughts disappeared. He threw the bouquet somewhere and ran.

He could not explain this action but he knew that it was right, and it was now or never. He ran so fast as if the train was trying to follow him, reach him, and crush him like a steamroller.

He ran through poorly lit streets, being already pretty far from the train station. All the energy, anger, and desperation, all those feelings were now unleashed. He only stopped when he almost slipped. He leaned over, rested his hands on his knees and, trying to catch his breath, laughed, either from nervousness or, more probably, a relief.

“Isn’t it odd not to be on the train at the beginning of the month?”

“Right…” Mia stopped for a moment.

“Did you tell that guy?”

“I guess so…” She got back to touching up her makeup. “Let’s go, we might be late.”