"HOW DID HE SAY I WOULD GO ON WITHOUT YOU?"

Text message

From: James

To: Helen

Date: May 3, 2025/7:03 PM

Hi Helen, I just wanted to know if you remember something I seem to have forgotten. I remember the courtroom air so vividly, there was silence all around, could have heard the drop of a pin. And then the Judge made his pronouncement of 'irreconcilable differences' in a loud and brisk tone. I could only stare at nothing while you had your eyes on the floor, as the gavel echoed like thunder in a closed room. Oh yes, I clearly remember all of that. But I can't remember how he said I would go on without you.

Voice mail Transcript

From: James

Date: May 4, 2025/11.41 pm

Duration: 00:57

You know what sticks with me the most, Helen? Not the courtroom air, not the smugness of your lawyer. It's not even the silence between our last hellos and goodbyes.

It's the easy way you handed back the ring when he said you could give it back. It felt so dead but that metal had been warm when I gave it. I had placed it with all of my heart, sealed it with my mind and a pledge I truly meant; that I'll get a diamond before our third anniversary.

You laughed and you said, "diamonds don't count".

Perhaps you changed your mind.

You said it again when we had our time of our first Valentine. Remember I took a video? Here is the video:

Flashback - memory (February 14, 2023)

A small Kitchen, half-lit. Laughter and the clink of two forks; Lasagna on the plates..

Helen: You sure this sauce isn't store-bought?

James: Babe, I slow-cooked it myself. Filled with ove.

Helen: (smiling) this love sure tastes better than Walmart's.

[He watched as she took a scoop to her mouth and slowly chews. He wipes the side of her mouth and they look deep into each other's eyes]

Helen: you know diamonds don't count , right?

[He answers with a deep smile, then he looks over the table, coyishly scratching an ear]

James: I think someone forgot the wine.

They both laugh out loud and toast with lemonade in wine glasses.

From brownjames1987@gmail.com

To: helem.n.ayeni@gmail.com

Subject: Name change

Date: May 5,2025/2:03 AM

I clearly recall when the Judge said your name would no longer be mine. And just like that, you slipped out of 'Mrs Brown'. I slipped from Brown to blue. The signature too would change of course; you even had a different one when we signed the papers. Not the one you used on the rent agreement and the birthday cards. A new one, that you deftly put - neat and sharp, like you had been practising. How long ,Helen? How long had you been preparing to sign me out?

Those lines that once joined us, dotted and dreamy, now split us. Same Judge; same gavel. Same man who brought us together, now tasked to tear us apart. He said not only death could do apart. I remember all that clearly.

But what I cannot remember - what I search for - is the part where he told me, how to live without you. Telll me, how do I go on? Do tell me if you remember, because I simply can't.

Voice message from James

I've sent you back the ring. It can fit only you.

-James

Delivery Confirmation:

Package: Silver ring, no box.

Recipient: Helen Ayeni

Signed: R.A.

Date: May 6, 2025

Text Message

From: Helen

To: James

Date: May 6, 2025/6:17 PM

I got the ring. Thank you for the gift.

Call log missed

Caller: James

To: Helen

Date: May 6, 2025/11:11 PM

Status: No answer

Note: Left no voicemail

From: helen.n.ayeni@gmail.com

To: brownjames1987@gmail.com

Subject: RE: Name change

Date: May 7, 2025/8:25AM

I didn't change my signature to hide. I changed because I had to. It was a means to survival. And signatures are the first step to starting over.

When the Judge said "irreconcialable differences", he was saying what we both already knew. You say his words brought an ending, but the ending had already started with the dinners getting quiet or when I had to ask you to ask me how I was? When I became the second tab on your laptop.

I see the video of our first Valentine, how about the last Valentine? We sat in the living room with the television muted. I curled up knees to chest while you lay out on the Sofa. There was a lot of unspoken things in the space between us. You told me work had been brutal but we could talk on Friday. I said it was fine. What else could I say?

You want to know how to go on? Start by not texting me anymore, please.

- Helen

Text Message Drafted (unsent)

From: James

To: Helen

I just wanted us to last.. I wanted it to be forever. I thought love was maintenance-free after vows. I thought the promise carried itself.

Voicemail Transcript

From: James

Date: May 8, 2025/10.02 PM

Duration: 01:04

The Judge had the same voice. Same steely tone when he said, "you are now husband and wife" and when he said, "this union is dissolved."

What do they teach them - how to stitch and unpick with the same needle? I keep wondering if he ever stops to think aboit the pause between those sentences. The lives packed into it. The love that is spilled.

Helen, I hope you find joy. I hope you find something better.

I hope someone gets the ratio of your tea without needing a reminder.

And if you ever remember...Please tell me what he said about moving on.

Text from Helen to Rebecca

To: Rebecca

Date: May 9, 2025/7.41 AM

I woke up today and didn't think of him first. Only realised it an hour later. I think that's how we start again. Gradually.

Email from: brownjames1987@gmail.com

To (not sent)

Subject: The Line I forgot

They say memory fades around trauma. They say time would help, I'm not sure how much time that is, when you keep getting in my way, I still remember everything. Your scent after rain, the way your eyes scanned menus like books, the way you said my name softer when you were angry. Even in my dreams, I remember it all.

Yet, somehow, I lost that thing he said,

the line that told me how to live without you. Maybe he never said it. Maybe it was mine to write. So here I am, writing it.

Final Note

Date: May 10, 2025

Sent via Scheduled email

Helen, this is the last time, just one final one. I wouldn't send another.

You don't owe me anything. I just want you to know you were loved and you would always be loved. And maybe I was too. Once.

James.

Read Receipt: May 10, 2025/11.06AM

(No reply).