The shy girl

                ...THE SHY GIRL...

   I used to be a party girl. My name used to run through everyone's mind as the first person who'd want to party, but not my friend's name. No. She was unique, soft, introverted. She would accompany me not sometimes, and those sometimes were the best. I can't believe how amazing it used to be. How amazing friendship can be. Leave love with heartbreak and betrayal, friendship goes way over the top. That was us. Best friends. An extrovert and an introvert. And oh how we thought nothing could separate us. Funny how life always has things it's way. Funny how we're so vulnerable in this big world of fake wonders. Yet every time I look at those fake wonders, I want to cry out that I'm alive. I want to cry out that I can see them, feel them. I want to cry out that I'm still here, and I see not only for me, I see for her too. I come as two. She has imprinted herself in me, and we're latched together. We're still together, and I come as two. I see for two, I hear for two, I taste for two, I am the living matter of both of us.

Personally, nights are the hardest for me. I can't go by them clear. I always break up, mentally that is. Nights remind me of all that is to remember. The flow of mind, uh, it does wonders. And how helpless and vulnerable I am at night seems so true. All the illusions are cut away. Even the sky clears itself of the curtains of clouds. At that time, everything is but pure. Everything is but purest. I like to think to myself how small I am, how little impact I make. But that's not completely true. I myself know the impact one can have on another person, if not the whole world. Oh darling, one can be the world to someone and a proposition of just flesh and meet to the other. But that is what I'm afraid of, getting too attached to someone. That is exactly what terrifies me, thought once that was all I longed.

The fact, I always think, about crying makes you weak, is not true at all. We're all humans, and, girls or boys, everyone let's out some emotions. Boys who are told not to cry are being shaped in what way they don't want. In a very harmful way. I feel like everyone should be allowed to do everything. Boys should be allowed to be weak, and girls to be strong. Boys to be talkative, and girls to be quiet. It's their choice, really. I once used to be very talkative and cheerful, but that just changed too suddenly. That was when I first saw the traces of pure evil. When I first felt nothing but hatred towards some specific people that I didn't even know of. What was done to her had been way more than awful, if not simply tragic. It happened to me just a few years ago. But most importantly, it happened to her.

I woke up. Breathless though I was, I made my way to my window. I looked outside. It was still night. The moon was shining as brightly as if nothing had ever even happened. I took a sip of water from my bottle and came back and sat on my bed. I took my phone and looked at my best friend's messages. All the memories we had made... We used to meet each other every day, laugh with each other, get scolded together, do embarrassing things together, bunk classes together... And now that together is nowhere to be seen... 

   "Friendship", the word raced through my mind. I never knew it's value until tonight. When she's gone. When I know that I'll never see her again. She's left this world, "No!", I shout, choosing to stay in denial. A tear drops from my eyes onto the wooden floor. I hear her sweet last words she said to me, "See you tomorrow... I love you so much, take care, darling!" And I made fun of my friend for calling me "darling" and wishing me such a formal goodbye. Now I won't ever hear her beautiful voice, her sonorous laughter, her crazy ideas. "Why?" I think to myself. "Why is it always the good people that pay the price. What had she done to deserve that?"

   I take a step towards my cupboard. "Wet...", the word crosses my mind. I've stepped into a puddle of my own tears. I take out a picture from my cupboard. It's a picture of me, with her... Tears flood my eyes again, even though I'm trying to keep myself from crying. Her smile... "She was happy, I used to make her happy, she loved me..."

   I lay down on my bed, curled next to my pillow. I let myself cry all the tears that are yet left in me. I won't stop myself, this makes me feel better. It's not weak of me, it's just human of me. I'm not a door mat, I've got feelings. I know what the word love means. My best friend has left me, all alone in this extremely huge world that is filled with problems. Here I was, thinking that life is about jokes and fun. I've grown so much, just in the past week.

   I'm never going to get close to someone, I can't risk losing them... And this is where I become one of those shy kids, not able to talk, just quiet. I'll keep to myself, I can't bear the pain of losing anyone. If I don't know someone, it won't hurt me to know that they, too, have left. This is where I become a kid, whose story is known by none other. This is where I change...

   "DON'T JUDGE A PERSON UNTIL AND UNLESS YOU KNOW THEIR PAST. DON'T MAKE FUN OF SOMEONE BECAUSE THEY'RE THE ODD ONE OUT. CRYING DOES NOT MEAN YOU'RE WEAK, IT'S WHAT MAKES YOU HUMAN..."

                              -Ayesh.B.A