College

“We will have to deal with Rachel’s insane love for Propels, but, other than that, it’d be so fun!”

“Honestly, it’s not that bad..”

“Rachel, please, you have an addiction.”

“We will help knock it out of her! Don’t worry, we still got some time.”

I laughed along with Rachel and Taylor as they continued to talk about the adventures, problems, and victories we would be facing down the road. As much as I loved to think of this idea of us all moving together and staying in touch, it just wasn’t very likely. I say this, but I feel my heart isn’t that connected to it. These words, and these facts. None of it feels real. This place we are in; it feels like we will forever be in it. 

Sixteen. All of us are now thinking of college and leaving the homes where we thought all of our problems oriented from. The homes which we ranted about to each other, comparing and contrasting different amounts of injustice we felt we received. Homes where we whispered about plans to run away and never return. Beds where we cried and screamed as our worlds came crashing down.

We convinced ourselves the problems after will be nothing like this. Our problems will be better because we will have each other, and a strong emotional support is better than a broken one.

 I often question that. I often question this. This fantasy we have played it up to be. Same rooms, drama,food,laughter, friendship. Would it last? 

Listening to them laugh and chat, telling each other how the boys they were committed to weren’t as important as us and our friendship, made me numb. I felt myself being pulled out of my body only to look at myself sitting at the table, smiling. I walked to the other side of the table and sat, staring at this girl listening to her friends drone on about a fantasy. Bored with this routine I walked around. This new home wasn’t mine. My memories with them weren’t all based in this house.

The scene around me changed, and I was back at my old home. The kitchen was shaking from music and the stomping of two girls as they ran around and sang their hearts out. I could tell Rachel was embarrassed to do it, but soon grew comfortable. I walked towards the living room where I saw Taylor crying and myself sitting beside her. The movie on the TV was paused, and we both looked exhausted. Up the stairs was my bedroom, but I had to move quickly when a mattress with three girls on in came bumping down the stairs. My father’s bedroom was open as I reached the top; he wasn’t there. Inside, I found Rachel and I hovering around the computer before running to the bathroom where bubbles began to seep from under the door. The walk to my room had pictures of the three girls on the wall. The door handle was just within my reach when it all disappeared.

There I was again; watching as I laughed about how we’d have to share a bathroom.

  As much as I wanted to say they were clingy, I knew I was too. Sitting across from myself, I could see the pain in my own eyes. The longing for it all to be true, that we would always stick together. We needed each other after all. We needed something consistant in our lives.

 I leaned over to whisper into my ear: “Snap out of it.”

 I knew Rachel and Taylor; they were my friends after all. I leaned back in my chair as my other half looked down at her hands for a second before looking back up. They could easily venture out and befriend anyone. Both were social, smart, funny and everything in between. They were imperfect, making them relatable in every way. They would be fine. Truth be told, they were scared-just like me. They were scared to be alone in uncharted territory,  with no one to watch them; no one to  go to complain without fear of judgement. I felt the same, and I knew it. I knew the truth, yet it still hurt, just a bit. Just enough.

I stood up. Walking back to my body.

Everyone does this, I know. Preaching how they will always stay friends and stay with each other. I didn’t want to be this dumb person. This person who isn’t realistic. This person who peeks in highschool and doesn’t get a real job. This person who is codependent on others and “Sweetheart, only unsuccessful people think they’re high school years were the best part of their lives, and that they will always be friends with-”

“Oh! We could get her a mini fridge to keep them in! Taylor and I will lock it up and only give her one when she does her chores!”

“Yes!”

“Guys, come on….”

I know all of this, but my heart doesn’t.

 I reached out to my other half, but she didn’t flinch.

No matter how much I try to make my brain and heart connect, they refuse. A toddler is what my heart is. Dreaming of a place with familiar faces, where everyone likes everyone, and we all get along. It’s not possible, I know, but look at us. I looked between myself and the screen with the two girls.

 We all are so happy making up this world where we won’t have to part. The years it took to even feel comfortable enough to want to think of a future involving all of us-together. All that hard work; the fighting, the crying, the opening up. How can I just turn away from it all like it never happened? 

I felt myself being pulled back in.

“We all have to promise to go to the same college ok? I’m already looking into dorms for us.”

“Only if I get to bring my Propel.”

“It’s a plan!”

I don’t even know if that’s what I want. I don’t know if I will have to grow apart from these two people and face the reality everyone says is facing us. I do know that I’m happy with this little idea though. All of us; taking on our lives together.  So, I have every intention to keep these roots tangled with no shame.

“Oh, I have to go. Bye guys!”

“Bye Rachel!”

“See you guys tomorrow!”

I closed the laptop and walked to the kitchen to grab lunch.

 Even as we begin to branch out towards our different suns, we know where our home is.