Heatwaves.

This is a story about a necklace. It's also the story of airports and glass animals. But mostly it's about a necklace and the person who wore it.

I got a necklace with my name on it once. I didn't wear it much but the one time I did I left it at Bryn's house. Bryn was my boyfriend, and he thought it would be cute if he wore my necklace so everyone knew that he belonged to me. And that I belonged to him

That we were each others.

It was adorable.. But like I said this story isn't only about the necklace it's about the boy who wore it.

And what happened to us.

In love stories or most stories in general bad things happen on rainy days and I hate to be a typical cliche but here I was with my earphones blasting a sad song with my cheeks pressed against the window watching the rain fall and the world speed by as I rethought my love life.

The last place I wanted to be was here. Not in the car type here, don't get me wrong I love car rides but in the mental place where you know you need to break up with your boyfriend, the one who wears your necklace with such pride. But how do you tell him you think you're hurting each other too much? And how to explain that the reason you're breaking up with him isn't because you don't care anymore but because you care too much.

` Well, against your better judgment you pull out your phone and force your fingers to type out the message though everything in your body tells you not to do it. But it's better for every one, you try to convince yourself. He won't be hurt by the shitty things you say without thinking. Won't be hurt by the words you use when you're angry, the ones that cut deep and never go away. And you won't be kept awake worrying about him, won't be an anxious mess whenever he doesn't respond because you assume the worst has happened. Won't become a crying mess when your overthinking gets out of hand. It's better this way, you whisper that to yourself as you send the message that says, let's take a break for the summer.

You ignore the fact that even though you say all that shit. You never mean it. And the only reason you worry so much is because you care so much and you really don't know what you would do without them. But above everything, you ignore the part of your heart that just keeps saying

but

I

Dont

     Want

Us

To be

over.

But you just can't stand hurting them anymore.

So you send the text.

There's not a recently single handbook so there are a lot of situations where you're not exactly sure what to do. Like what do you do with all the hoodies he let you borrow? It's polite to give them back, isn't it? That's what you do right? But how are you supposed to react when the person who opens the door isn't them but their little sister wearing your oversized tie-dye shirt that they swear they tie dyed themselves but you know for a fact that it's yours and they just don't want to give it back. What do you do when they hug you and ask why you haven't been over much or when they hold your hand and tell you you should come inside. But what do you do when you hear someone call from the other room.

“Who is it?”

And then they turn the corner and it's the person you swore you would be with forever, the one you still think about every night. With fluffy orange hair and wide brown eyes. What do you do when you notice someone still wearing your necklace? That they haven't taken it off because they still have hope for the two of you.

Well for one you ignore the fact that you still have their blue sweatshirt. The one they gave to you on December 3rd that you don't think you could ever give back. The one under your pillow you cuddle with at night because It still sort of smells like them. What's not supposed to happen is after you look into their eyes they drop the glass they're holding with a small “Oh.” as It shatters into a million pieces all over the floor. Tears spring to my eyes but I can't let them see me cry. Let them see that I still care. And that I probably always will. I set all the hoodies down and quietly say. “I'm so sorry.” before running out, the tears blurring my vision as I try to get as far away from you as possible even though the only thing I want is to be in your arms.

Airports play music. Did you know that? And did you know that knowing you wont be able to talk to someone for a while because you'll be across the world gives you a lot of confidence to say things you normally wouldn't? And did you know I still freeze up when I hear our song.. My heart does a little flip. So when I heard it start to play in the airport even before it got to the word, sometimes I was crying and knew I couldn't do this anymore. And so then there I was sitting on the toilet wiping my eyes with scratchy toilet paper as my plane started to board. And my mind even after all these weeks couldn't get the boy with the brown eyes, the boy who wore my necklace off my mind and at this point definitely couldn't drown out the voice that knew that it was right and that it was a bad decision to take a break. And as the song keeps playing and I can taste the tears on my lips I realize something.

I should have never left you

I still love you

And that will never change.

So teary eyes I type you a message.

I don't know why I'm sending you this because I definitely don't deserve you. and won't be able to talk to you for weeks but I'm sorry. I was trying to protect you so I didn't hurt you, but in the process, I hurt you anyway.

But I still love you. And that has never changed and will never change.

.

And then before that typing bubble becomes a message I turn the phone into airplane mode, wipe my tears, and go to board my

plane.

Just a note. Life sucks when all you wanna do is go home and see that one person. But it sucks, even more, when you don't know if they even want to see you. So you worry about it till the day when you reach that airport again and can finally check your texts again.

If you want to know what heartbreak feels like it feels like someone stepping on your chest so you can't breathe it. Feels like wanting to cry but the tears getting stuck in your eyes. It feels like getting no text back and knowing you lost the one thing that matters most.

Just two more notes. If you're so desperate for a text when you step out of a plane your face will be glued to the screen so you won't be able to see anyone or anything. And another thing, redheads are easy to spot in crowds. So when you finally look up you see them right away, wearing your necklace

Waiting for you.

So you just stand there. Blocking the path because there's no way this isn't a dream but there they are smiling and you can almost hear them laugh about what an idiot you are, just standing there. When they wave you finally come back to your senses and run towards the one person you've wanted to see more than anyone else for the last month and squeeze them tight just to make sure they're real.

But their not.

You run off the plane like an idiot. Looking for someone who's not there. Because shitty decisions have shitty consequences and sometimes things happen and you can't take it back.

That's why you have to remember. If you love them, don't let them go because if you do they might never come back.