Sticking to Something

Thirteen year old Carol knew it would end up pretty bad when she impulsively decided to take up a completely new hobby which neither had she ever heard of or shown interest in previously. But there was nothing she could do. It was an old habit of her. Picking and dropping hobbies. She had tried everything from pottery to knitting and language learning but could not stick to any one for more than a week. She was nearly killed by her best friend Lily once, for she ruined her hair pretty bad after trying a hand at hair styling. And although she knew that each and every one of her hobbies led to something disastrous, she couldn’t help but pick up a different hobby every few days. The only problem being she couldn’t stick to any one of them.

Most recently, she failed to pick up astrology, which was one of the things she thought would have been different only if she had tried again.

Each of her methods to practice a hobby has had the same algorithm. She sees something on the web, orders supplies, uses them for a few times, and then … she stops. She just can’t continue.

‘Why can’t I ever commit to something?’ was something she asked herself every day. She felt as if she did not even know what commitment meant anymore. This thought of hers was a big problem. She knew she shouldn’t let such petty stuff bother her but having a hobby was really good. It could make her so much happier like those other normal people who are able to stick with one particular thing without feeling the need to try a hand at something ridiculously new. She had also read somewhere that it was good even for her physical health. Maybe it was good even for her emotional health.

‘Maybe it would help evade the feeling of worthlessness I usually keep having.’

This time she decided to try something different from what she usually would do. Something she could stick on to. She decided to read.

‘You want to read! Seriously Carol? Are you sure about that?

These were the exact words Lily said when Carol had broken the news to her. She knew exactly why Lily was so shook. Carol had tried reading in the past and instead of enjoying it like a hobby; she began treating it as a competition. Instead of enjoying what she read, she started counting the number of books she read in a week and in a month. She was also comparing herself to the characters mentioned in the books she was reading. Soon this seemed like an impossible thing to do anymore since she couldn’t further compete in this never ending competition and so, she stopped reading.

But this time she was determined. She wanted to turn reading into a permanent habit of hers. So she read. She read fantasy and romance and dystopia and thrillers and even non- fiction.

It was almost two weeks. Everything was going smoothly but then the same thing happened. She suddenly lost interest. She couldn’t get to read another book or even a single page.

‘No. This could not happen again. If I keep giving up things this easily, I would never be able to find something I truly love doing.’

She sat for a few minutes with the book in her hands but she just could not move ahead from the first sentence. She couldn’t move on. Not like this.

‘I always do this. I can never stick to any one thing.’

 And then before she knew it, she was crying. Tears were rolling down her cheeks and there was no way to stop them. All sort of toxic thoughts began racing through her mind. ‘You are useless. You would never do anything in life. That is why your parents are ashamed of you. There is nothing you are good at.’

 She knew she shouldn’t be thinking such things. After all they are just her thoughts. She tried to erase those thoughts from her mind but the harder she tried; the more prominent they became.

She sat on the floor and cried for about twenty minutes until no more tears could come out. She wanted to cry more but at that moment it was like her body would not obey her at all. She sat on the floor for a few more moments, staring into the space. Although her tears had dried up, the toxic thoughts were intact. They were flooding through her brain seeming impossible to stop. She tried to erase them again but they wouldn’t go.

Carol got up, wiped her tears away, took out a piece of paper and started writing everything that came to her mind. She started writing everything from her toxic thoughts to the feelings of worthlessness and uselessness and how she felt as if she couldn’t manage to find anything she truly loved doing. With each word she wrote, the thoughts seemed to diminish. When she was done, she felt as if some heavy weight was lifted off her chest. She had never experienced such a feeling before. Never in her life had she ever felt this satisfied or.... happy.

She reached to the table and picked up the piece of paper in which she had just now poured everything she felt. She held it in her hands and began reading it. She felt a bit proud of herself for writing so well and as she stood there appreciating her writing skills, her face suddenly lit up.

She showed the paper to Lily the very next day in school. Lily read it and smiled brightly at her. Then she said, ‘I knew you would find something you truly loved one day.’

She handed back the paper to Carol and in front of her stood she, beaming brighter than ever. Carol had finally found something she truly liked.

But liking something and wanting to do it are two very different things. And in her case, Carol definitely wanted writing to be the latter one.