Painful Ties

Ceramic pieces of my favorite coffee mug shattered across the break room floor. Relieved that no one was in this early, I quickly swept up and disposed of my mess. I settled for a bottle of orange juice instead. My craving for caffeine disappeared after seeing those posters of Hillshire High plastered all over the back bulletin walls. They captured my attention for the rest of the day because I actually went there. Being one of the few high schools in town that was still afloat, my company was throwing a fundraiser to help raise money. The neighborhoods in the area weren’t the same as they were when I was a kid. There were more abandoned buildings and everyone was moving away because of all the drugs traveling around.  

All I could think of was Tisha and how she made my high school years bearable. Despite all of the bullying, Tisha was my only true friend at Hillshire. I met her one day in the lunch line while waiting on the last two slices of pizza. We shared words about both being lucky because we were never able to get pizza on pizza day. Kids would even cut class just to get pizza, so they were always out when we would arrive. She introduced herself and sat with me, which was the first time I sat with anyone during lunch. We were inseparable after that. Tisha was a year older and said that she started school late because of her birthday. Although she was more mature and developed than I was, she didn’t mind being seen with me all the time in those dreadful hallways. She even stood up for me when the boys did things like toss my holey backpack around as if it were a football. 

On the way home, I decided to take another route. Usually I take Wilson street all the way down because of the scarce traffic. Another plus is that it’s next to the lake; the cool breeze climbing off the water and creeping through my windows. Stillness always embraces me while pushing the day’s stress away but today, memories choked me until I reached my old neighborhood. Only then was I able to breathe again. I parked in front of the apartment building that I grew up in, or what was left of it. Robby sluggishly made his way out of a broken glass door not far from me, so I ducked into my seat to alleviate the chances of being spotted. I didn’t have to wonder; his sunken eyes and dingy clothes assured me that he was still doing drugs. He might even live in this now boarded up and inhabitable place. I couldn’t bear having to converse with this broken man that took my virginity 20 years ago. 

While waiting to sit up again a 15 year old Tisha entered my mind and redirected my thoughts of shame and regret. Every Friday, she and I walked down this very block to the convenience store wearing our tightest and most revealing outfits. We wanted to catch the eyes of the boys who stood on the block corners day in and day out. They dropped out of school our junior year because they said it was a waste of time. Me and Tisha were only attracted to the boys who called the streets their home, the ones at school just weren’t as exciting. We made a bet once on who could get the most numbers before making it home from our walk. I won a bag of hot Cheetos because I got the most numbers and Robby Jenkins asked me out. At that time he was the coolest and most handsome boy on the block. This was before he started shooting up the product that he sold of course. Sneaking into Robby’s bedroom on his 18th birthday changed my life forever. 

Goosebumps covered my arms just thinking about what happened that day. As if it had only been a few days ago, I remember climbing through the window to Robby’s room. He always kept his window open because he loved the night air. I heard him talking to his mom in the kitchen and I wanted to surprise him, so I hid in the closet. I flipped over his bin of smelly socks and underwear to sit on as I knew it would be a while. His mom was one of those older women who talked about everybody else and their problems before actually getting to what she wanted to say to you. 

30 minutes that felt like forever had gone by when I heard footsteps approaching his room. Soon after I realized that he didn’t come in alone. To my disbelief Tisha was telling him that he needed to spend more time with his daughter. That two days a week just doesn’t cut it anymore because she has a better job with more hours. It all made sense now. Tisha started high school a year later because she was pregnant with their daughter. I didn’t think twice when she told me why she started school late because her birthday was in September. I also didn’t have a reason not to believe her. I was numb. The man that I loved and my best friend kept this secret from me all this time. Not only had they been together, but they had a 4 year old daughter as well.  Without thinking, I jumped out of the closet and completely blacked out. The last thing I remember from that night was Robby pulling me off of Tisha while their daughter whimpered in fear. 

Seeing Robby come out of that building stirred up emotions that I tucked away a long time ago. I couldn’t handle the betrayal and pain that came along with what I had found out. Everything that I thought I knew was a lie, and it was too overwhelming. I graduated high school and moved far away from this neighborhood, never truly getting over what happened. This moment tells me that leaving and never speaking to them again wasn’t the answer that I needed. I sat up in the car and dialed Tisha’s number.