Never Again

Ellen sits at the table drinking her coffee, waiting for the mailman to arrive. At the moment it is silent, the children are at school. Ellen's thoughts are roaming at the moment, the excitement of another letter makes it impossible to do anything. With Joshua gone to fight in the military, these letters are precious. It makes life a little easier, they are the only thing that proves he is still alive and well.

After the mailman, and the letter read, Ellen goes about her day. It's the usual things that keep you sane, the cleaning and laundry, cooking for dinner and the goodnight kisses before bed are all the routine that keeps her from falling apart. With Joshua so far away, she must be Mom and Dad to each of her children Mary and Michael. Sometimes when the letters come, there is one for the children. They get so excited, that at nighttime they say their prayers for their father's safety. This is the time she cries a little. She just can't show her children the fear she has or all the strength it takes to keep going. It is her burden to bear. All they need to know is the love of their father never fails, that he loves them so much. That he is a warrior.

After the children are sound asleep, Ellen herself gets ready for bed. It is hard a lot of the time to sleep these past few months. The letters are coming less, and there doesn't seem to be much to them. Ellen decides that maybe there is a lot of fighting right now, and no time for long letters to home. So, she decides that a letter to Joshua was fitting at this moment. She had not a lot to tell him, but she wanted to be sure he knew how much they all missed him. She put into her letter the activities the children were in, that they both were doing well in school, and Michael had one second prize in a spelling bee. Mary had a recital in ballet on Saturday, and that it was being recorded to be sent later in the week by Joshua's parents. Ellen said nothing much about herself, she did not want him to worry. She was a mess inside, very lonely and many times very sad. These tours took a toll on her, but in the end she will survive again. With the letter competed, signed with a kiss though not seen, Ellen snuggled into bed. She missed Joshua, his warm body next to hers, but a pillow to hug was al there was. It would have to do for now. As Ellen was just about to succumb to sleep, she heard tiny footsteps. It was Mary. She had had a dream, and it bothered her enough she sought out her mother. She silently crawled into the bed, and being comforted with her mother stroking her hair and softly singing to her, she again fell asleep. And Ellen did as well.

The next morning, everything went as it did every day. The children we to school, and Ellen sat again at the table, waiting. There was a knock at the door. "Who could that be?" Ellen said out loud as she went down the hall. 'No one usually comes this early without calling first' she thought to herself. When she opened the door, there stood two men in uniform. "Oh, my God. NO!" she screamed as she fell to her knees, the men catching her before she hit the floor. Ellen's worst nightmare had begun, Joshua was killed in action. The two men helped her to the living room couch and tried to calm her. There was not much talk at first, Ellen was too overwhelmed to even hear anything. Thankfully, these men were trained for this. They stayed strong. They had kindness and compassion in their voices. They knew what she was feeling and she had many questions, but most of them they could not answer. All they could tell her was killed by an IUD bomb with his other two team mates. So, he was not alone, thankfully. As the two men left hours later, a thought came to mind. "On no, what do I tell the kids? How do I tell them that their father has died?" At the moment she had no answer. She had to somehow pull herself together. Did they tell his parents? That was a big question Ellen hoped for, so she did not have to.

The funeral was just a blur for Ellen. It was full military honors at Arlington National Cemetery. With the 21 gun salute, Ellen finally realized what Joshua heard a lot of his time serving his country in battle. It made her flinch every time the guns went off. Many people were there at the gravesite, a lot she knew who were friends and relatives of both her and Joshua. Also were many servicemen who had served with him in the many tours he did before this. As the flag was presented to her, she at first was not going to. It was the final act that this was the end. He would not be home again. He would not return to the home that they had together, the children would grow up without his presence, just pictures that will be kept on the walls of the house he will never see again This made Ellen very upset, and unnerved. Knowing that she had to keep her family together, and the memories of Joshua was all she had, she quickly and silently walked up to the casket that held her loved one. Hoping he knew how much she loved him, she silently it kissed her hand and put it on the wooden casket filed with flowers from each and every person there that loved him too. This was the hardest goodbye Ellen had ever known, or will ever know.

As leaving the gravesite, Ellen took her children by the hand, and walked slowly away. She took one last look. "I hope you are at peace" she said in a whisper. "I love you."