Awakening Shadows

Eleanor sat alone in her cozy study, wiped her eyes and tossed the final tissue. She was done with all that emotion yet it needed to be released. She sighed, and looked again, surrounded by remnants of her life. Photographs captured frozen moments of her sons' childhoods, diplomas declared her successful career as a lawyer, and the worn Bible on her desk testified to the recent resurgence of her faith. A late afternoon sun filtered through the curtains, casting a warm glow on the room that seemed to echo the newfound warmth in her heart, and in her soul. The solace found in that room brought a newfound revelation that life had been just as it was supposed to be and what lie ahead was a fresh page.  She was the key player and that was not going to change despite regrets.

At fifty-seven, Eleanor felt a subtle shift within herself, as if she were emerging from a long hibernation. It wasn't a dramatic awakening, but rather a gradual realization that life had more to offer than the routine she'd allowed herself to fall into. Coming to terms with the mistakes of her past—relationships that crumbled, career choices that left her unfulfilled, and a history of questionable decisions in her life were tossed out into the winter winds. Over and done with layers of joy, blessing, pain, but above all growth. 

Her marriage had weathered the storms of life, but Eleanor couldn't escape the nagging guilt that lingered from the emotional baggage she carried. She had been a woman driven by success, her career taking precedence over everything else. Now, with retirement on the horizon, she found herself yearning for something more, something that spoke to the creative soul kept dormant for too long. She had many talents and broad interests that had been bundled up and saved for a rainy day. That day was arriving and now she wasn’t at all ready for it. 

Eleanor's journey toward authenticity was paved with a spiritual awakening. The old wounds had healed, and she had made peace with her past, seeking solace in her renewed faith. The church choir had become a refuge, and the weekly sermons offered a steady stream of wisdom that echoed in her soul.  Reading the Bible had soothed her thirst and allowed her to extend grace to herself, at last. Yet, the shadows of her past actions loomed, and she felt an urgency to address the pain she might have caused others. The times when self-importance, her own agenda, or the discomfort of honesty minimized time with loved ones. How could one ever make up for those cold errors of neglect? How can you win back lost time buried under the frenzy of life? 

One evening, after a particularly moving service, Eleanor found herself sitting across from her husband, opening up about the unspoken burdens she carried. He listened with empathy, understanding the weight of her confession. Together, they began a journey of healing, acknowledging the cracks in their foundation and mending them with the mortar of forgiveness. Remembering the love from an innocent time before the banks of distrust, resentment, disappointment, and fear piled up. She had neglected to sweep the path early on when it could have been easier.  She could only make her own amends as she was not responsible for all the mistakes made over the years.

The next step was confronting her sons, men with families of their own, who still carried the scars of a mother who had been too busy to truly see them growing up. Oh, there was love and respect. There was a letting go on both sides for living now. She was cautious about future expectations as they knew the best and the worst. It was a tearful reunion, filled with apologies and a commitment to building stronger connections moving forward. Eleanor learned that strength wasn't about avoiding conflict but facing it head-on, armed with vulnerability and a genuine desire to make amends.

With the support of her family, Eleanor embarked on a quest for authenticity, vowing to be true to herself and those she loved. The retirement she had feared would be a void instead transformed into a canvas waiting to be painted with the colors of her newfound creativity. She enrolled in art classes, discovering a passion for painting that had long been buried beneath the weight of responsibilities.  She dug out from the emotional storms recognizing the rebirth in each blessing of the aftermath.  Befriending women with common interests and opened a window of acceptance like freshness after a storm.

Her art became a medium for expressing the emotions once stuffed away, a therapeutic process that allowed her to confront her past regret and find release in the honesty of acceptance. Each stroke of the brush was a step toward liberation, and as the canvas came to life, so did Eleanor's spirit. Perfectionism charged a high price and now it no longer threatened.

The struggle to overcome the habit of burying her emotions persisted, but Eleanor found strength in her faith, in prayer, and the unwavering support of those she loved. As she embraced her vulnerability, she discovered a resilience within herself that she had underestimated for far too long. The once-muted colors of her life now danced in vibrant hues, reflecting the authenticity she had fought so hard to attain.

Eleanor's journey became an inspiration to others in her community. She spoke openly about her past mistakes, using her experiences to encourage others to embrace their flaws, forgive themselves and seek redemption. The local church welcomed her as a guest speaker, and her story resonated with many who faced their own battles. The message to awake, stretch and come out into the new light was encouraging for many of the women who heard her message of hope and renewal.

The tapestry of Eleanor's life, once woven with threads of regret, was now being rewoven with threads of redemption and newfound purpose. Her authenticity became a beacon, illuminating the path for those who had lost their way. The woman who had emerged from hibernation was not just a retiree seeking new hobbies; she was becoming a pillar, a museum of wisdom, embracing the fullness of life with grace and courage.

By  Lynette Wermager