Excerpts from Arian

03/24/05

She dropped her phone today.

I almost stepped on it when leaving class.

“Hey,” I called, stooping to pick it up.

She didn’t hear me.

I said it again, louder.

She and her friends turned. They looked kinda shocked.

I don’t blame them.

I’d be shocked too if a guy who hasn’t spoken a single word all year suddenly started calling after me.

She gave a nervous laugh. “Sorry about that! The stupid thing is always running away,” her friends eyed me suspiciously.

My gaze wandered to the floor where it usually tends to stay.

“Come on Josie! We need to go check out that cafe before it closes,” a girl said, shifting her weight from foot to foot.

“Yeah, yeah. Well, I’ll see you later!” she waved.

And that was the first conversation I had with Josie Miller, even though I’ve been sitting next to her all year.

04/1/05

Josie and I haven’t really spoken since last week, though she did ask me for a pencil a few days ago. She forgot to give it back.

I really wanted to get home early, so I could work out the new story idea that had been jumbled in my brain all day, but I couldn’t, because today I was on cleaning duty.

And so was Josie.

“Hi!” she said, greeting me with a warm smile, paper towels and Windex in hand.

“Hi,” I said, standing chairs on their desks.

She sprayed the window, bubbly foam sliding down our reflections. “I’ve never seen someone stack chairs like that before.”

“Huh?”

“You know,” she looked over at me. “People usually put them upside down so the legs are facing up.”

“I guess. This is just how I’ve always done it.”

She shook the bottle and sprayed again, a whip cream flower blooming over the window. “Interesting.”

I shrugged.

Grabbing the broom from the corner I began sweeping the floor.

She opened the window.

Sunlight spilled in thicker rays across the floor.

She breathed deeply, eyelashes fluttering golden. “Isn’t it beautiful?” a light breeze brushed against her brown hair.

I stopped sweeping and held the stick to my chest. “Yeah,” I said and looked out.

The world has always been beautiful, but not until you stop and look, do you realize it is.

04/8/05

I hate it when the teacher tells us to find a partner in class.

I’ve always been the one person who’s left over. I either end up working by myself or with the teacher.

I can’t decide which is worse.

But today Josie slid her desk next to mine, like it was the most natural thing in the world. She asked if I wanted to be her partner, before she asked anyone else.

04/11/05

Josie found me in the courtyard eating alone at lunch.

This is kinda how our conversation went, or how I remember it going:

“Mind if I sit?” she asked, already sliding into the bench across from me.

“Sure,” I paused, noticing her manga on the table. “Whatcha you reading?”

She looked down at the book like she just noticed it was there. “Oh,” she laughed a little. “Fullmetal alchemist, it’s about–”

I almost fell out of my seat. “Fullmetal? That’s one of my favorite series!”

“Wait really?!” she asked, mouth hanging open.

“The plot’s lacking a little, but the characters? The themes?! They're so good!”

Her eyes sparkled with excitement as she leaned over the table. “Yeah! And the art?! Don’t even get me started with the character designs!”

We talked about her book for a little longer, before noticing some kids from our class staring at us.

Josie sighed, resting her chin on the table. “Sorry about that.”

“About what?”

“Them. They're probably wondering why I’m sitting with you all of a sudden.”

I shifted awkwardly in my seat. “I’ve kinda been wondering that too actually.”

She raised an eyebrow. “You have?”

I nodded, looking down at my lap.

She was silent for a moment, trying to put her thoughts into words. “I like being around you I guess.”

My heart might have actually stopped at that moment.

I don't think anyone has ever told me that before.

But I’m glad she did.

04/12/05

Mom was crying today. I could tell the moment I walked into our apartment.

All the lights were off and she sat at the kitchen table, her face red and splotchy.

“You got off work early,” I said, fishing through the fridge for leftovers.

“Yeah, they closed up at noon today,” she smiled.

I could tell she was lying. She always lied to me. And sometimes I really hate her for it.

04/13/05

Josie lives in a house.

She also has an older brother who dropped out of college, and I would be lying if I said he wasn’t weird.

This is what happened at her house:

The moment I stepped through her front door the smell of smoke hit me hard.

“CAIUS?!!” Josie screamed, stampeding into the living room. “HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAFTA TELL YOU?!! NO SMOKING IN THE HOUSE!!!”

Her brother was stretched out on the couch like a lazy cat, cigarette poised between his fingers.

When he saw her an unmistakable look of fear broke over his face.

He curled into a ball, hands protecting his neck, like a missile was about to drop.

“I’m sorry! I’m sorry! I’m sorry!” he sobbed. “I forgot! I swear!!”

“LIKE HELL!” She grabbed the cigarette, pressed it into the ashtray, and threw it out the window.

“Hey!” he whined. “That was my last one!”

“Your last one was it?” she crossed her arms, glaring down at him in disgust. He gulped.

I stood awkwardly by the door, my hands clammy with sweat.

“Who’s this?” he asked, cigarette completely forgotten the moment our eyes met.

Josie sighed. “Arian meet Caius. Caius meet Arian.”

He walked towards me.

He had the same brown hair and eyes as his sister, and was at least a foot taller than me.

“N-nice to meet you,” I stuttered, holding out my hand for him to shake.

He shook it so hard I thought he was going to rip my arm off.

“Soooo,” he said, flashing us both a mischievous grin. “How long have you two been dating?”

“We are not dating!!” Josie yelled.

He threw his arm around my shoulder. “So you wouldn’t mind if I take him for myself?”

“What?! You can’t just–”

“Relax sis, I’m just messing around!” he ruffled my hair. “You’re cute, but my girlfriend's way too hot to pass up.”

“Um….”

He laughed.

Josie mumbled something about getting water, and headed to the kitchen.

“Sooo, Ariannnn, now that we’re alone at last, there are some things I wanted to ask you about.”

“Y-yeah?” My entire body broke out into a cold sweat.

Sitting me on the couch, he took the chair across from me.

His eyes bore into mine for what felt like an entire minute, unblinking, which did nothing to help my dripping sweat glands. “What do you want to do with your life, Ariannnn?”

I blinked. “What do I want to do with my life?”

“Yes,” he said, his tone deadly serious.

I scratched my cheek. “Well I’ve kinda wanted to go into the publishing industry for some time,” Josie walked into the room, two glasses of water in hand. She sat next to me. “Maybe even become an author,” I thanked her as she handed me a cup.

He sighed. “Ok cool man, that’s all I wanted to ask.”

“Really?”

“Well I can’t have my little sister marrying a porta potty cleaner, now can I?”

“We’re not getting married!” Josie fumed.

And that’s basically how the rest of the afternoon went. Let's just say we didn’t get as much studying done as we hoped.

04/19/05

There’s this guy named Nolan, and I can tell that he hates me.

Every time Josie and I talk, his entire vibe just reeks of: stay away from her depressing emo kid, or I’ll find where you live and slit your throat while you're asleep.

Ok, maybe I’m being a little dramatic.

But he doesn’t have to worry.

I can tell that Josie’s just being nice.

Even she would admit that she’s way out of my league.

04/20/05

Nolan cornered me today.

After the last bell rang he sat on my desk, backpack slung over his shoulder. “Since when have you and Josie been best buds?”

My mouth went dry, as my eyes followed the trail of people filtering out of our classroom. “I-I, um, I don’t-”

“Fine, I’ll cut to the chase then. Are you and Josie together?”

I jumped from my seat, my chair skidding behind me.

I knew the moment he walked over he was going to ask me that, but for some reason I wasn’t prepared for it.

“No! I-I,” my heart was pounding fast. “We’re just friends! She only really hangs out with me because she….”

“What?”

“Because she feels sorry for me?”

He stood up from my desk. “Wait, really?”

“Yeah, if you couldn’t tell, I don’t have a lot of friends,” my eyes darted around the room, and for some reason air stopped filling my lungs.

“Wait so you guys aren’t dating?”

I shook my head.

Breath. Breath. Frickin breath!

But I couldn't. It was like a wool blanket was suffocating me.

“So you don’t mind if I ask her out?”

“No,” I said with a strangled gasp.

I needed to get out.

Not bothering to grab my backpack, I ran straight for the door.

“Hey, wait!” he yelled.

My breath came in ragged and uneven heaves, as I ran down the hall.

My beating heart seemed to echo against the walls, pressing down onto my skull.

Not right now! Not right now!

I pushed past people, barely registering that they were there.

Shoving my way through the bathroom door I turned on the faucet with a trembling effort.

Why do you always have to ruin things?

I splashed ice cold water onto my face.

“Keep it together! Keep it together!” I said in a harsh whisper that scraped against my throat.

I sunk to a crouch, my hands still gripped tightly to the edge of the sink.

A dry sob rattled my chest.

Keep it together! Keep it together. Keep it together.

Eventually my breath began to slow.

Nolan walked into the bathroom, door slamming against the opposite wall. “Dude, why’d you run off like that? You forgot your backpack–” he stopped.

I didn’t look at him. I didn’t need to. I could already guess his expression.

Disgust.

“Well, now you know what a miserable excuse for a human I am,” I said, letting out a dry laugh.

A droplet of water trickled down my forehead and off the edge of my nose.

He didn’t say anything, he just walked over.

He leaned against the tiled wall and slid to the floor, legs stretched out in front him.

“A couple years ago I used to get them a lot,” he stared up at the fluorescent lights. “Almost everyday. I still get them from time to time.”

I stared at him.

“You’re not a miserable excuse for a human,” he said.

And that’s how Nolan and I became friends.

04/30/05

Nolan called me today, he was holding back tears.

Josie had rejected him.

It would be the understatement of the year to say I was relieved.

If they started dating, I’d just be a massive third wheel, I wouldn’t even be surprised if they stopped being my friends altogether.

Josie wouldn’t give me half of her muffin every morning, and she probably wouldn’t want me to come over to her house everyday after school.

I hate how selfish I am.

05/02/05

Today I skipped school with Nolan. After Josie rejected him on Friday, he needed a bit more time before he saw her again.

So, I did what any normal friend might do. I missed my algebra final to waste my entire day with him.

After walking through several neighborhoods–because our parents would’ve killed us if we went to either of our places–we found an ice cream truck.

Sitting on a bench, licking our vanilla ice cream, we talked. This is kinda how our conversation went:

“So, how have you been? Since the…you know?” My ice cream tasted good in the Florida heat.

He shook his head. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Oh. Sorry.”

“No worries man,” he leaned back. Closing his eyes he breathed deeply. “It’s nice today.”

I looked up.

Blue.

It was all I could see.

It seemed to stretch on for miles.

Endless.

How could something so big be the exact same color all around? No gaps, no cracks. Just infinitely…blue.

“Too bad we didn’t become friends when we were freshman,” ice cream dripped on his finger. He licked it absentmindedly. “Summer’s almost here and then we’ll be seniors.”

“Yeah,” I looked down.

My ice cream was melting faster than I wanted it to.

Pretty soon it would be gone, and all I would have left was the memory of eating it.

“Can I ask you something?” I said.

“Sure,” he crunched down on his cone.

“What do you think of me?”

“Huh?” his ice cream almost fell out of his hand.

“Sorry, I just…,” I scratched my cheek.

“WHY ARE YOU BLUSHING?!” he hollered, jumping up from the bench.

“Why am I…?”

“You can’t just say something like that with a straight face and then blush!!”

“Eh?”

“Do you realize how awkward that makes me feel?! How am I supposed to answer something like that when your face is your face?!”

“I’m sorry?”

“You know what?! Fine! I’ll answer your stupid question!” he stammered. “You’re an idiot! And it pisses me off that you and Josie are so close! It’s also annoying how you’d probably get all the girls if you just cleaned up a bit! And not to mention you're super awkward and weird.”

My stomach sinks, dropping to a place it should’ve stayed long ago.

“But, that’s ok,” I lifted my head, hope sparkling in my stomach like sprite.

He scratched the back of his neck. “Don’t look at me like that!”

The corners of my mouth tilted up in a soft smile. “Thanks.”

“Yeah whatever,” he said, sitting back down on the bench next to me.

Going over to Josie's house was a huge mistake.

“Where the heck were you?!!” she shouted the moment she opened the door.

“Hi!” I said with a smile.

Last week she told me my smile was cute, so maybe it would be the trick to ease her fury.

“Ariannn, my prince! Have you come to save me at last?!” Caius called from the living room.

“Answer my question!” she barked.

I scratched my cheek. “I kinda maybe skipped school?”

“YOU DID WHAT?!!”

“It was for a good reason!”

“OH! IF IT WAS FOR A GOOD REASON THEN!”

I told her.

“Oh,” she said.

“Yeah, he was pretty upset about it….”

“Are you saying I shouldn’t have rejected him?”

“I mean, you guys would’ve made a good couple.”

Her eye twitched. “That’s really what you think huh?”

“I mean yeah….”

“So you don’t think we’d make a good couple?!”

“What? I….”

“ANSWER THE QUESTION!”

I blinked.

WAS SHE ACTUALLY SERIOUS?!!

“I um…,” colors spotted my vision in the shape of heartbeats. “I…don’t…no,” my eyes wandered the potted flowers a few inches from her feet. “I don’t think we’d make a good couple.”

“Ariannnn! Whatcha still doing out there! Come inside!”

She slammed the door. “Why not?” her voice shook slightly.

I almost laughed.

Was it obvious to everyone but her?

“I’m a loner! I’m depressing! I’m weird and awkward and I can barely look people in the eye, let alone hold a conversation with them! All I ever do is bring people down! I’m dead weight! A miserable excuse–”

She slapped me.

“Don’t you dare say that,” her body shook with each word.

I held a hand to my face, shock coursing through my bloodstream. “Stop making this all about you! You don’t get to decide whether or not you're dead weight! I want you to be in my life, you idiot!”

At that moment I couldn't talk. I couldn’t think. I couldn’t breathe.

All I saw was her.

“Ooo, we got a lovers spat goin’ on out here?” Caius peaked his nose through the front door.

“Shut it you big baby!!” Josie said, yanking the door open like she was about to tear it off its hinges.

“Flabbergasted!!” he gasped, hand over heart.

She stormed inside.

“Ariannn how’s it going man?” Caius swung his arm over my shoulder.

“Good.”

I needed to get to Josie.

“So I was wondering, now that we’re future brothers in law and all, why not spend the night here, you know kinda like a sleepover.”

“Sounds great.”

He ruffled my hair. “Cool! Glad we’re on the same page,” he let his arm fall to his side. “We’ll talk about details in a little bit. Right now I really gotta take a dump,” he walked to the bathroom.

My footsteps quickened. “Josie, wait,” I grabbed her hand before I could stop myself. It was smaller than I imagined it to be. “I-I want you to be in my life too!” and for the first time I looked into her eyes without faltering and noticed that they weren’t just brown, but golden specks swirled in them too. Just like the sun she showed me that day.