Even Offline, the Clock Will Keep Ticking

Tick, tock, tick, tock

Time keeps flying by, and I get no messages. It’s funny that people always promise things and never seem to deliver. Ever since I got home from camp, barely anyone has even tried to reach out to me, and I always have to reach out to them. It’s hard to admit, but it honestly bothers me how I have to initiate those conversations. If I do decide to wait for the other person, nothing ever comes. 

Then, there are just some people who never even respond in the first place. For example, Kieran told me that we’d keep in touch because we’re friends. When he did tell me that, I honestly felt like he might not respond to my emails. At camp, Kieran had a habit of promising things like meals and never showed up. Of course, he is a really busy person, but it always felt like I wasn’t a priority.

That goes for most people; I never ever feel like a priority. I’m not some toy for people to forget about for months, yet it sure feels that way. It gets to a point where the people who have responded to me now don’t. Like Jamie used to get back to me. He never would initiate conversations, but at least he’d respond to my messages. Now he doesn’t. Maybe people are going to tell me I’m overreacting and that Jamie and Kieran are busy. I know that, but it still stings. 

So, I’ve made the decision. I’m cutting myself off from communications for a bit. I’ll deactivate most of my social media accounts, as well as delete most social apps off my phone. I’ll still make it a point to check my main messages, but other than that, I’m not gonna wait for others. I have to do this for me, so no one’s gonna hear a status from me that I’m deactivating my accounts. Let’s see if anyone cares.

I’ve been offline for pretty much the whole day. No constant checking for Kieran or Jamie, definitely not. I’ve just been trying to live my life, like go to school and all that jazz. It feels… strange, to say the least. I don’t think I’ve done anything this drastic before. But I certainly haven’t waited it out long enough to know if all this was worth it. 

I’m sure I’ll find out soon enough, however, as the clock will keep ticking by. 

–

So, day 2, huh? No one in real life has noticed that my account is gone. Not my parents or my brother. Not even anyone at school, which is full of phone-obsessed teens, has discovered that I axed my accounts. 

My life’s just been the same as it’s always been, but just a little more isolated. I know I still can’t say if I consider this small “experiment” to be successful. I sure as hell haven’t waited long enough, and I need to just have some patience.

Oh… oh wow. I stand corrected about how no one has noticed. Cassie just texted me about it, and here I thought she might have wanted to exercise or something. Guess I’ll go tell her what I’m doing.

She says she’s really proud of me like a mom would say. Even if she’s more like that big sister who shows up at my house to force me out of bed to go work out at the gym. I guess it’s nice that in all this time, someone has reached out to me. Even if Cassie isn’t from camp. 

Maybe that’s the problem with all of this. I know no camp people who live nearby me. But, Cassie exists in my real-life space instead of my camp life space. I’m not a part of either Kieran or Jamie’s real-life spaces. I only exist within their camp lives, and despite the fact they both reassured me we’d keep in touch, logistically, it’s probably not possible. 

I’d kill for one more time to do some art with Jamie or read a poem I wrote in an hour to Kieran. Yet, it’s increasingly impossible to do that from behind the screen. What can I even do about any of this?

Wait it out is still the answer my brain supplies. I suppose it’s time to let the clock keep ticking.

–

For day 3, no one so far has acknowledged my big account wipe. Maybe someone will surprise me like Cassie did. Speaking of her, she did indeed show up at my house to force me to the gym. There, we talked it through.

She already knew about Kieran and Jamie, so before, she was just encouraging me to keep trying to reach out. But, now, she’s just supportive of whatever my heart’s set on. Whether I think staying offline or going back online is the correct answer, Cassie reassured me that she’s there for me. It’s a nice reassurance to have from at least one person, and it just takes that one person, I guess. 

Even with her reassurance, I kept trying to speculate as to why Kieran didn’t respond and why Jamie stopped. They were always there for me at camp, when I was down, or even if I had a panic attack. Maybe I relied on them too heavily? 

I have no idea. I can’t just see into people's heads, but everything would be so much easier if I could. My brain keeps going that I came off too strongly at camp and that I drove them away. Yet, how do I really know that? I can’t, and that’s the problem.

The clock will keep ticking, and I’ll still have no answers to my numerous questions. 

–

It’s day 4, and everything hurts. I just keep questioning all my actions and choices I made at camp. I can’t help but feel that I put myself on the outside with this experiment. I can’t even begin to describe the feelings of regret that have come over me.

I feel so, so stupid. Even if Kieran and Jamie haven’t responded to me, others have. I think it’s time to go back on my decision. I want to be online again. So, I did just that. Everything’s back online, and all the apps are downloaded on my phone.

Of course, because my accounts were deactivated, I couldn’t have gotten any messages from anyone. No one will probably notice I’m back online; I shouldn’t try to set that expectation.

I’m still at a standstill. I’m back online, yet no one has reached out. Which was just like before. Sure, Cassie did reach out during the period of time I went offline, but that’s about it. No Kieran. No Jamie. It’s still just me.

Looking back on my time offline, spent worrying, I am unsure what I was trying to accomplish in the first place. I thought it might reduce the sting I got every time I never received a message back, but it didn’t help. Nothing has helped.

What do I do? Do I go and look for other people? Or do I just keep waiting? No one other than Cassie has surprised me by noticing my accounts were gone. Everyone’s too in their worlds, I suppose.

A wise piece of advice that I received from Cassie yesterday was that I shouldn’t let anything in the present ruin the good memories I had with Jamie and Kieran. She’s right, as I had so many good times with both of them. I still can’t help but feel a sting of loneliness the more that time will go on, and both of them never get back to me.

Who knows, maybe they’ll surprise me… I’m not so sure. What I do know is that the clock will keep ticking by, whether I’m online or even offline.