Alma

shade I

I open my eyes first thing in the morning and I’m already lost. It sucks being a twenty one years old woman who still lives with her mom and her grandmother and it sucks even more when you just dropped out of college and relay mainly in the naive thought that maybe one day you’ll wake up and you will suddenly discover this huge and breathtaking talent that will become the job of your dreams and you will be finally financially independent. Of course that hasn’t happened (yet) so in the meantime I have this part time job that makes me feel miserable but hey, I guess it’s better than putting up with your old boss and his probably undiagnosed - and of course untreated -  bipolar disorder, right?. My current job is not actually that bad, but my coworkers and the rat infestation make it unbearable, that’s why I avoid contact, with both humans and rats, by cleaning up any room that’s completely empty, that gives me a lot of time to get introspective and notice some aspects of this new miserable me that I’m not content with;  I think I lost my ambition and I forgot how to dream; me, the dreamiest person on earth forgot how to dream, ridiculous, isn’t it?. Every day is gloomy and pointless and filled with little moments that remind me of how incapable of getting out of here I am. I’m living my life in semi-automatic and to be honest, I’m starting to believe I don't even care anymore.

shade II

My grandmother and I are not what you would define as close, we’ve lived together my entire life but unfortunately mom and I are her least favorite members of the family so as you can imagine we argue a lot, especially now that I’m a grown woman with different opinions and the ability to debate. Of course me leaving the conventional college life has been disappointing for her, she never says it but it shows whenever she tells her friends about her family and you know what? it sucks. so I’ve decided it, I’m done. I’m done letting myself sink in this endless spiral of nothingness, I’m desperate to scratch my way up to somewhere warmer, somewhere fresh and I’m willing to do whatever it takes.

Luckily I can afford to quit my job and focus on me for a few months so for the first time in my twenty one years I’ll have no responsibilities. I’ll do a bunch of crazy stuff like wander in the streets in the mornings, stay on my pajamas for an entire day, I’ll take drumming lessons and I’ll even start journaling because why no?.

shade III

Grandma was diagnosed with dementia and she’s getting worse by the hour, I don’t think she can recognize us anymore, she wakes up in the middle of the night asking for breakfast or trying to leave the house and she’s even getting aggressive, and even though we were told all that is part of the illness is emotionally wrecking to experience it 24/7. My mom is talking about quitting her job to help me take care of her so now not having a bachelor’s degree is the least of my problems. 

For obvious reasons I will stop doing all those little things that make me feel more in touch with myself, I found very nurtrishing to discover new interests and passions, I was thriving! I felt surprisingly comfortable taking those drumming lessons and it breaks my heart to leave them right after I was learning how to read music so I decided to impulsively spend a good portion of my savings on another instrument, something I can learn from home and by myself even though I’ve never been able to play anything.

That’s how I found it, I researched and put into practice this “listen to yourself” policy I was adapting to and ended up getting the most beautiful ukulele, I didn’t get the cheaper one of the first I could find in a local store so I had to wait for it, I’ve never been a big fan of waiting so I hope this is worth the effort.

shade IV

I open my eyes first thing in the morning, my dogs are barking and my heart is racing, the bell door sound is still ringing in my ears and before I even notice I’m walking towards the door. I yawn hello to the postman and I see her, she’s here, he hands me this big package and I sign as fast as I can and run back into my bedroom and gently open the box, she’s gorgeous, she feels delicate yet strong, like she can handle all my inexperienced clumsiness and still reply with the most beautiful sounds, I’m scared, I don’t want to ruin her but she’s staring back at me asking me to give her a chance to speak. I look up some chords and give it a try, she’s intense, she’s resilient, she’s capable. I’m calling her Alma.

shade V

I’ve been getting better but I can’t say the same about my granny, at first she would hear me singing and playing, then she would knock on my door just to tell me she just saw me singing on tv and that she thought I did wonderful but now she can’t walk anymore, she can’t speak, she can’t even look at me.

I know her biggest fear was to die alone so I take turns with my mom to just sit by her side, sometimes we speak to her, sometimes we just watch tv and sometimes I play for her, I now realize I never asked what her favorite song was, what flower she liked the most, who was her favorite writer and now I can’t anymore so I play songs that I think would make her feel safe. She even looked me in the eyes once and for the first time in months I felt my granny was there. She always seems calmer when I sing for her, I play and she stays. 

Until she didn’t anymore.

I take Alma and go into my bedroom, I hug her hoping she would pass the hug to my granny, and I do the only thing that made us feel sane during this time.