Together for Never

I remember when I was lost and my soul craved for you, I had spent what could only be counted as ages in the trenches of my soul, slurring every word I utter, hoping that the jerking in my voice and the sluggishness of my voice would make you rethink your options but I was only deceiving myself. Every time I called you, it felt like I was banging on a wall made out of bricks and metal. A thousand bolt of pain would shoot through my body and my heart would feel like it is about to shrink and disappear. The pain would wrap me, crawl into my head, descend rapidly to my legs where I would tremble briefly and quietly, it would slip away and pretend it is not there. 

You could have been a lot to me, but you chose to be pain instead. Sometimes, I look at our old pictures, how you smiled at me and your eyes adored me. It is impossible to believe that everything we had, was simply a lie to you or a great way to pass your time while you wait for the right one. I pick up my phone and I reread your text, hoping at some point that the text would change and it would read differently. I have tried to make an excuse for your decision or find a reasonable reason to give for you but I am lost, I have found nothing. 

Tonight, I am sitting by myself on the floor of my room thinking about you and what you are putting me through. I was about to call your phone, to remind you that you had looked into my eyes once, after an evening of delectable love making and promised to love me through everything. I was going to tell you how I have hung to those words all these months but you have left me torn.  

When I woke up today, I texted you first. Why did I do that? Because I wanted you to always know that even through your worst moments and your trying times, you would always have me in your life constantly looking out for you but it is the end of the day and I feel like a total jerk. I take a short glance at my phone, scroll to your number and almost spit. I am disgusted by your silence now. I do not want to understand you anymore. Why should I understand you when you have no respect for me? Why should you read my messages and ignore, see my calls and ignore and if you are in a jovial mood, you would decline.

I decide where I am sitting on the ground to let you go. I am not even in desperate search or need of a companion, I have only stayed with you because there is a deep craving for you at the pit of my stomach and the very core of my heart. 

I remember that evening when you held me in your arms and I rocked your thighs gently. You stroked my back and talked about the plans you had for us, how long we will go and how beautiful our lives would become. I think about a lot of other things and I hiss, I hiss so loud that my sister who was walking down the passage that separates my room from the dining room hears and opens the door to find out what was upsetting me so much but I wave my hands in the air as a gesture for her to leave so I can be with my thoughts in silence. I scream 

You lied, you bloody lied to me’ and tears rush to my eyes but I blink them back. Normally I would let them flow and be reminded of my weakness and folly. I would let them run down my cheeks and run down myself mentally, till I am exhausted and every part of me aches with subtle hate for my essence. I blink them back the second time but my heart tug at my rib cage. 

Call him for me’ she whispered silently, trying to shield me from the pain I was causing her. I pick up my phone but I cannot scroll to your number because my mind screams at me; 

You deserve better’ 

I deserve better I repeat to myself. 

But I love him’ my heart responds. 

You do not love people that cause you so much pain’ my mind shoots back. Too fiercely if you ask I but I let them continue their banter. 

It is because I love him so much that he is able to cause me so much pain’ my heart replies a little weaker this time. 

I love him, I really love him and I would want us to be together forever, forever looks beautiful when he is in the picture’ I said to myself. 

But he lied’ I added and blinked back another tear. 

You are hurting’ my heart whispered again. 

A dozen watts of pain shot through me and I staggered backwards when I attempted to walk. 

You cannot not want me and I cannot remain here, obsessed with you but trying hard to not call you again because I am undeserving of the pain you are causing and I am sure you are unaware. 

I remember again, your words; 

I can kiss you today, through tomorrow and could remain there for all eternity and I would not bat an eyelid. I love to watch you, especially when you smile’ you had said all this to me and I had smiled, smiled like a fool in love or like the fool I was to you, I use ‘was’ because I am hoping my heart finds enough strength to let you go and my mind is occupied by something that is not you. 

While I think about the things you said to me during our merry days, I ask myself;

Do I want to see you again? Do I want to lie in your arms and imagine that this misery that you have caused me is a lie?’ the answer is an obvious Yes. Yes I want to be with you again, I would also like to add that I would also like things to return to the beginning where we looked forward to talking every day. Back to the days when we ended the day for each other, when we chuckled into our phone and heard a matching laughter at the other end. I pick up my phone again to call you, a question wades in my head and I feel the sudden need to hear your answer; 

How does it feel to not love me anymore?’ does it feel empty or it feels like a stagnant pond of anger and resentment. 

At what point did you realize you did not love me?’ maybe this particular question is for me to answer. I remember the point, it was when you hung up on me, declined my calls, ignored my messages for weeks and when we finally had a conversation about it, you had not apologized and there was no hint of remorse. And lately, I have been the only one looking for reconciliation, you just disappear or fade into the color of the issues we have. 

You distort how I think, sometimes I wonder how you managed to wield so much power over me. I think I am beginning to have an answer for that. I am afraid of leaving you alone. Do you know why? It is because every other person you have loved, left you alone and you are beginning to lose faith in yourself. I see so much in you and I do not want you to lose it on the ground of something you lack but I can provide. You lack someone that will hold you down through thick and thin and hold the light behind you no matter how many times you scream at them or hit the flashlight from their grip. I am that person and I would like to stick around but this evening I am rethinking my options. Maybe it is up to you alone to decide who you want to stay in your life. As my mind takes me down memory lane, I notice your fear. I can perceive you are scared because you are failing again. You have failed before and at that time there was no one else except you so it was easier to accept your failure but this time, you do not only have someone that is watching you but you also have someone that cares for you deeply. A lot more deeply than you would understand so you are scared of failing me. I understand but my mind slaps me again; 

You make too much excuses for someone that is causing you so much pain’ 

I know, I recognize that he is scared and needs help’ I reply. 

You are not Clark Kent, stop trying to be superman’ she hissed. 

How I feel in my heart is a complete mystery because I do not understand it myself. How I can love someone so effortlessly and still feel so much pain. Or on the other hand, I am afraid to be alone. I have experience a bit of what it means to be loved by you. 

You are the first man that told me the color of my eyes, you also rubbed my feet and made love to me deeply with raging passion but still cautious about my body. You were careful with me and I am scared to lose that. 

I wonder why it is difficult for me to accept that you are gone and you are no more mine to keep. I finally understand that if you have truly loved someone, it is impossible to hate them. I cannot even bring myself to hate you, it will be too much for me to bear and I do not think I want to put myself through that. 

I walk to the window and look into the darkness, imagining myself folding into a spec and sailing through the thin fabric that our world is made of. Wrapping and unwrapping myself from the tangling emotions of others. I look out the window for a long time, I imagine your face on one of the stars. I imagine you looking down at me. 

We should be together, you are hurting me’ I say to you but you meet me with silence, gazing upon me like I am some worthless pilgrim pleading for alms. 

I hear my phone beep, I rush out of the balcony and into my room to see the text. It was not from you