Starting your own life means ending theirs.

"I'll be down later." was a common phrase and lie that Jess told too often to herself and her siblings as she shut her door and climbed up her stairs to the attic. It's not like she wanted to be away or had better things to do. It was just easier. Easier to hide, sit out of the tension that filled the house from her Mother. Don't get things twisted, Mother is just trying to be the best mother she could be given the life choices she makes for herself. There are three children besides Jess, who happens to be the oldest. The gap between her and the second oldest is just enough to be on the fence of being their sister, and being their second mom. It's hard to separate the two sometimes so lately you just have to shut the door. Literally. This life has become so comfortable for everyone, this is our normal. Mother and her... boyfriend... fight, given a live audience by their children. It's scary. Once the boyfriend gets Mother right where he wants her, she's an ongoing fire. It's hard to put her out. Not even the children being a foot away will make her stop screaming in response to whatever the boyfriend says. It is a game to him. He accuses her of everything he has personally done. The cheating, the secrets, the lies. He is a Leo. A lion. He knows that he can say and do whatever he feels to Mother because at the end of the day, no matter how hard she yells or how many times he harnesses her, she's not going to leave. He knows he will still come home to a family and food waiting for him. There are a few words we could use to describe him but Father, Loving, Husband, Patient will never be one of them. He has kicked Jess out a few times. once at 17. Another at 20. Jess was the only one in this family that called the boyfriend out. Everyone just turn the other way. How can you? A monster needs to be called out. In this case, he stays the monster. It's sad. It's been an ongoing "process" as Mother calls any situation you have to work, for about thirteen years. Sad right? Well now they are three kids in and I guess Mother has some feeling deep deep deep down towards him that she just won't let this go. The man has enough police reports to get him away from her for a while but she doesn't have the heart to go through with it. "He has good moments." If only she knew she was choosing his life over her children everyday. Jess has to get out. Things will never change if she's stuck in the environment with them. Its frustrating. As much as you want to be there for the ones also going through the pain, you can't. You just can't be there 24 hours a day. It's exhausting. A terrible feeling. But how do you walk away from the three after you? You try. So Jess left. She moved to LA in hopes of getting enough money to move her Mother and her three siblings with her so Mother doesn't have to rely on the boyfriend. Jess promised the three young faces that she would be back for them as soon as she could. It's hard, leaving them in the dark. It's like starting her own life means ending theirs.

Jess was so excited to be out on her own but in her heart she could feel the pain her Mother and the kids were feeling day after day. She wasn't home but she still felt the aches. Is she the bad guy for leaving? Was it a mistake? Is this worth it? Should she return home and help raise the children until they become of age to leave? Should she give up? Is the peace of being in her own place worth it over the screaming and crying of back home? She still can't answer that question.Everyday she thought of them. she overworked herself just for the slightest chance to get that extra bill. . Day after day she tried doing whatever she could to raise money. How much money do you even need to take in four extra people? Why has the daughter become the Mother. Mother is suppose to be doing this work to give her kids a better life. she should want to put them first. she should want better for him. she should want peace. WHY DOES SHE LOVE HIM AFTER ALL OF THIS?? After he took her transportation away. He took the one thing she had to get his kids around to appointments and school. He shut the power off in their home and Jess, Mother and the kids had to sit in Jess's room because we were too afraid to walk out. He took Mothers phone and kept her in their bedroom and Jess at twelve years old had ton walk to a neighbors house and asked to borrow their phone to call her grandma. What else are you suppose to do in that situation? At twelve years old what do you do?

*MISSED CALL* she soon started to distance herself more than the miles between them. Eventually, weeks became months and months became years. Home was just a distant memory. She was officially out of that lifestyle. Although she lost the most important key to the reason for everything. The kids. Jess became just another person that lead them on to nothing- no rainbow at the end. Jess became her Mother in a way that is disappointing yet expecting. She let her main priority become just a side job. She put herself first. For the first time she was moving in life the way she wanted to. Not how she had to. She no longer wanted to feel comfortable. Comfortable means you aren't moving. She had her own fire she wanted to keep lit.

Until she came home for a visit.