A year in Heaven

All I want for Christmas little Brother, is one last day with you. 

I’ve wondered what we would do on this day, if we actually knew it would be our last together. 

I would not sleep a wink; I would tell you everything I left unsaid. 

We would talk of all that’s happened since that one and final day. 

I would show you the things I have done to keep you close. You could read all of the letters I have written you with no where to send them. I tell so many stories to the kids so they never forget who you were.

You would hold my hand and feel how much it hurt this year without you. 

I thought I had more time to tell you how proud I became of you. 

I never even told you how you brightened my days in those last few months. 

It’s not fair I didn’t get to say goodbye. Somehow you slipped right past me, I didn’t even notice.

All I want is another day of who we were together. 

We would make it always count; we would change our world from where we stand. 

Let’s go dance in the supermarket aisle and eat pancakes at midnight. An all night Kmart shop for things we don’t need and a joke about the mannequins coming to life.

we could watch our favourite Mash and Frasier re-runs till dawn and get takeout in our pyjamas.

Let’s get Nandos chicken classic wraps and Ice cream for breakfast and see how many balloons tied together will lift us off the ground. 

Do you remember when you did that at the party, snuck around during the speeches and stealthily took all the balloons on peoples tables to tie together on a table centre piece so you could hold your hands out and perform a magic trick?! I have photos of you doing that.

You were always the life of the party in the corner of the room for those that weren’t quite in the centre. People just migrated towards you, like a magnet. So easy to be around and talk to.

Make me laugh again.

Let’s send balloons to heaven together, while you tell me how you got all the other ones we sent you every time. 

Did you get the one that I finally wrote goodbye on? 

Cause I’m not so sure I meant it. 

Let’s play songs that remind of us of our childhood while we clear out the clutter in the garage. I have been meaning to turn the couch around and move the TV to another side of the room.

We can watch a chick flick for old times’ sake, maybe finally finish the ‘Prince and me’. We never did get to the end of that one. Do you remember where we were up to?

Lets plan all the kids birthday parties in advance, and argue the semantics of time travel as if we do it all the time. 

Your argument that time travel would cancel itself out because once you change the event that made you go back, you had no reason to go back therefore resetting the time period to how it was- I saw Sheldon Cooper argue that in the Big Bang theory and reached for my phone to tell you about it. That felt like an infinite time loop, always reaching for the phone to call you and realising I no longer could.

And please tell me what you think of the new Doctor Who?!! The last episode we watched was the last of Matt Smith. Let’s binge watch the new season, I promise no spoilers!

Teach me how to play your guitar so it is no longer collecting dust. 

Somewhere in between all this there are some things I need fixing and I need a program for my computer.

Your niece, my daughter always asks after you, we should spend some time with her. Some days, when she goes to bed at night she starts to cry, that is when she remembers you can’t wish her goodnight.

My son is one now, I wonder if he remembers you. 

Let’s go for a drive so we can play the music too loud. I miss your singing in the front seat. 

There are some songs that I have found that I know you will love, perhaps you can take them back with you when you leave us again, that way when I play them I will know that you are listening too. Sometimes I wonder if perhaps you wrote them up there and sent them down to me.

Let’s go birthday shopping because I love to make you smile with gifts and I could use some help buying a sound system worthy of our playlist. I want to try and get speakers throughout the house that all sync up when it plays music. You were always so handy around the house. I always have a list of things for you to do.

The upside to this day is you can take a photo back with you of the kids for poppy and Grandad to see and say Hi to my pet bird snowflake for me. He left us not long after you did. Did our dogs end up with you too? When you go back, can you take my best friend out for a day of dancing? Or maybe horse back riding. Tell her I think of her every time I see fireworks.

I wish I could write to you while you are there, I would be standing by my letterbox each week waiting for a letter from Heaven. If only we knew how much letters, photos and videos would matter. I can tell you so far, I haven’t made that mistake again.

Lets record every moment of this day, so on my sad days I can replay it all in my head. We can take as many photos as my little Nokia 360 can hold. Yes, I still haven’t upgraded to a smart phone. I don’t like change as you know.

For all the time we spent apart I’d make it up in this one day and I would make the memory last until the time we meet again.

I love you, and I so miss you, and I wish heaven would grant us this day today.

Happy Birthday Little Brother.