Betrayal

It was so terribly cold. Snow was falling and it was almost dark. I looked around with grim satisfaction at the outside world things were finally going my way for once. The dark would cover my progress and the snow erase it. The only slight problem was the cold trying to warn me back. Grasping with insistent fingers into the gaps it could find in my garments. No weather I have had enough. I felt blissfully numb but a feeling of superiority crossed my mind even Mother Nature could not stop me any more. I have had many choices in life. I believe the appearance of choices is what keeps us alive but my choice was now made. Whether it was known all along that this is the path I would take, or the interactions I had with others. By now I was too tired to care. As you can guess this does not have a happy ending. While I walked musing got the best of me since I was on autopilot to my destination I let the memories replay knowing this would be the final time my mind did so. No one can tell me now when my depression began. Was it when I found my wife cheating with my best friend, when I found I would never be a father to my own child or when I lost my job. Well dear reader let me tell you the circumstances of each and you can decide I will give you the choice.

The combination of cold, snow and a rapidly setting sun made me hope all these factors would keep everyone from curtain twitching and walking the streets everybody wanting to be with their loved ones. Inside nice cosy and warm on nights like this. I stared into the slightly cracked mirror that my wardrobe provided. You can not expect much when the only things I can afford are second or even third hand. I buttoned up my coat hoping the threadbare garment would provide adequate protection against the cold. Pretty pointless giving where the final destination was but appearances must be upheld to the end. At least my emotional absent mother had given me the lesson that you must always be presentable. I finally took a quick glance at the place I had called home for the last six months, a place that I could cook breakfast in while still in bed. How I ended up at a bed sit at the age of 42, when I should be with my child heart sweetheart raising our child and paying a mortgage. Well reader patience the reasons are coming.

As I walked the memories came. I met my ex wife Harriet when I was just sixteen as was she. Harriet was a lovely girl and turned into an amazing woman. When we were introduced we were given the term “Childhood sweethearts.” I loved her at first sight. I should of known as quarterback of the football team I had my pick of girls but she had me captivated I never even looked at another woman. We were happy until I found out she was (I’ll put it delicately for the puritans) sleeping with my best friend. If I knew what was going to happen all those years ago at the tender age of 5, when I asked to share crayons with a look a like boy on my first day of kindergarten. I would not have bothered. Finding your best friend with your wife quickly dispels any feelings you may have had for them. Upon finding them I beat the shit out of him until he got up and ran snagging his clothes on the way out. An epic shouting match between me and my wife ensued with the police finally being called by neighbours and leading me away in handcuffs. I was released 24 hours later with a charge of assault against me. My lifelong friend wanted his revenge against me for beating his ass. I tried to go home but the locks were changed and no amount of my knocking would gain me access. I walked away my heart breaking into a million pieces at this betrayal. I knew that even if I was master puzzle solver I would be unable to put my heart back together the way it was.

The end of me thinking she was an amazing woman was a text a month after the day I saw them in our martial bed “I’m pregnant its yours but I’m putting Chris’s name on the birth certificate.” She could do what she wanted inside I was screaming. Chris had a high up job in government and the power and connections he had gained would counter act any claim I could make. Especially since I was awaiting my court date for assault. One week from this message I answered a knocking at the door to be handed a letter saying my ex had taken out a retraining order against me. For being physically abusive during our marriage and at the moment I was stalking her. Did any one who could help care that this was wrong No. Like I said he had the power, money and connections.

I tried to get over this keep the dark thoughts at bay. I did have short spans when I thought I would make it through to the other side. I believed I would have if my job hadn’t decided to explode in my face. A young woman named Judith was hired and as an aside she was named aptly for the betrayal she committed against me. It was Judith’s first job after graduating college and I ended up showing her the ropes. I used Judith as a soundboard someone to bounce ideas off, then the day of the big meeting came I was ready to dazzle them all with my big ideas and help the company. In the breakdown of my personal life I decided to throw myself into work. I walked into the meeting with so much hope knowing that once I had given my ideas they would find me indispensable, recognize my worth maybe reward me with a corner office. I could live a life in work well done even if my ex did not recognize my worth these people would realize the time and care I put into my work and the company. I invited Judith even though her presence was not required I though it was good to get some experiences of these types of meetings. I was surprised when they asked her at the meeting if she had any ideas, then I heard my words come out of her mouth. All my big ideas were taken they were delighted “Amazing and Brilliant” were the words used by my superiors. When it came to my turn to be asked if I had any ideas all I could offer was a choked “No.” Did I think about calling her out, yes of course but would I a middle aged man be believed over a much younger and admittedly attractive women the short answer is no I would not be believed. It was not long before I was no longer number one making my comeback from my personal life falling apart. I had become a dead weight a problem that was easier to get rid of. I barked at her when she came near I felt bad but I was protecting my ideas for the next meeting that never came. Instead I got a visit from HR courtesy of Judith. She had reported bullying “I made a very unwelcoming environment for her to come into.” As this was not accepted in the workplace I was told I had thirty minutes to pack my things then I would be escorted out by security. I was not to ask them for a reference.

Then my friend my support network in these trying times. Yes they sent endless messages asking how I am but no one comes near. Responsibility whether at their jobs or with families keep some of them away. As for the rest well failure is contagious and although misery loves company who wants to be near someone like me. I can not blame them.

My feet now echo on the wooden boards and I look into the inky black sea ready to enter and sleep for an entirety in her embrace or until she decides to leave my corpse on some unknown shore. Divorced and unemployed. Cleaning up the letters everyday that are serving me eviction and divorce proceedings. Heart broken. Future dashed. A child that will never know me. I had tried hard all my life to do all the right things provide for the ones I love and was treated with a callousness that only other humans can inflict on one another. I take a deep breath put the envelope down so at least someone will know my story, understand my reasons and then prepare myself to commit the darkest of sins.