The Scarlet Daydreamer

Bernie Campbell possesses an erotic imagination. The type that would make a porn star blush if they could read her thoughts. She pauses whatever she is doing, stares into space, and lets her mind run wild with salacious fantasies. 

However, Bernie’s childhood forced her to develop Good Girl Syndrome. The daughter of deacons and still a regular church attender, she keeps her thoughts, personal messager, and browsing history a secret. Growing up women were demanded to show their purity but men were encouraged to show their passion. 

Bernie's new therapist, whom Bernie started seeing after an embarrassing drunken night at an after-hours work party, encourages Bernie to repeat to herself, “I have the agency to create the life I want. I am worthy of adoration.” 

She also suggests Bernie pursue other interests besides her licentious daydreams, like taking a burlesque dance class. Something that has sat on Bernie’s bucket list for years, but the idea of taking a class marketed as liberating gave Bernie butterflies, shame, and lots of social anxiety.

Before her first class, Bernie emptied her stomach twice and considered not showing up before experiencing a brief brave moment and hopping on a bus. 

She had pulled her dry and frizzy hair into a small bun at the nape of her neck. She wore sneakers and an old tracksuit that had become deeply faded and baggy. Her pair of barely used heels rested in her bag. 

During the first class, the teacher Miss Violet, had everyone go around the room and introduce themselves and share an interesting fact about themselves. This formed a lump in Bernie’s instantly dry throat. Another fact about Bernie is that she truly believes she is dull. 

But after a shaky introduction and an admittance that she couldn’t think of an interesting fact about herself; Miss Violet had smiled warmly at her and said, “Well, now you have something interesting. You take burlesque classes. Welcome, Bernie, I hope to get to know you more, and I am excited to have you in my class”

During the entirety of the first class, Bernie stayed towards the back. She kept her eyes on the floor and tried to avoid interactions with others. However, as Bernie left, she couldn’t help but feel slightly happy and satisfied.

The only issue Bernie began to encounter during her classes, remained the fact that she was still a church-going girl. Her church faired on the more conservative side, just like the church she attended growing up. It wasn’t one of those accepting churches that would be ok with Bernie taking a few burlesque classes. 

The morning after her first class, she’d woken up in a shame hangover. She felt the overwhelming sense that the other churchgoers would be able to smell Bernie’s sin from a mile away.

Despite their heavy use of judgment, Bernie stayed heavily involved at her church. They must have detected her people-pleasing nature because she was involved in almost every aspect of volunteering. From the coffee team to the welcome team to even volunteering with the staff for certain events. Any time Pastor Paul asked Bernie to help out or step up, she said yes. 

Pastor Paul had a very charismatic personality and seemed to genuinely care for others. He held views that Bernie secretly didn’t agree with but he didn’t appear pushing or over condemning like the church office assistant, Jessica. Bernie didn’t care for her very much. The few times they interacted, she would come away feeling small.

Bernie made it through the Sunday service after her first burlesque class with flying colors. She felt relieved and guilty that no one seemed to catch on to her dirty little secret.

Soon, Bernie fell into a routine where she would attend burlesque classes on Saturday nights and stuff down any feelings of wrongdoing for Sunday morning service. 

Due to the guilt, she had started to pull back on commitments at church. She thought that if she was around church people less, the negative feelings of shame would be alleviated. It did not help.

Bernie eventually broke down crying in front of her therapist, “I feel like an imposter. I’m a liar. A two face biblical whore. I feel so sad that I am the way that I am.”

Bernie’s therapist had smiled at her softly. “You know Bernie, we all lie. We are all contradictory people. No one is the most honest and upright person. We are always working towards being a more authentic and honest version of ourselves, but no one is perfect or has it right.”

“I know,” Bernie started, “but I am intentionally lying! And no matter what I do I can’t stop thinking about sex!”

Bernie thought that maybe her therapist would eventually see her side, but instead, she replied, “What do you owe them? I don’t think your thoughts are bad at all, but I do think they have become a form of maladaptive daydreaming that is keeping you from living the life you want. You mentioned on your first time here that you weren’t happy with your life and that you wished you had something different. If they aren’t willing to accept you for you, then maybe they are not the right community for you.” 

For someone to give her permission to do her thing felt oddly liberating. It was the permission Bernie always felt too afraid to give herself.

During the last weeks of class, Bernie had begun to feel a little more alive. She made friends with the other girls in the class, wore her heels, and bought a high-end hair mask, something Bernie hadn’t dared to do before so she wouldn’t be seen as vain.

Now Bernie sits in the green room of the studio where her burlesque classes are held, sweaty and laughing with the other classmates. They had just finished their final class performance. 

Miss Violet had announced an optional showcase at the end of the classes. The entire class agreed to put on a show together, their theme would be ‘Basic Bridgerton.’ Sexy yet nothing too complicated for them.

“We need to celebrate! Let’s all go do some karaoke!” Paulina, a girl in her class, exclaims. 

Bernie smiles broadly. “I love that! I don’t think I have ever truly been to a karaoke session.”

Paulina’s mouth drops open, “Bernie, my love! What have you been doing with your life? We must go then! I know a great place downtown, they even serve food!”

“Perfect, let me finish getting ready and grab my things,” Bernie remarks and begins to unravel the bun in her hair.

“You got it, babe, meet us downstairs when you are ready,” Paulina shouts as she saunters out the door.

Bernie’s new-found confidence allows her to leave on her red corset as a top and heels with a new pair of form-fitting jeans she found a week ago at her local boutique. She brushes out her soft hair and dabs a little color onto her lips. Grabbing her bag from her cubby she runs downstairs to join the group.

“Bernie, you look good! Where is that shy girl we met the first day?” Bri, another classmate, chimes in.

Bernie smiles and shrugs, delighted to feel free. Bernie’s thoughts were no longer a source of shame for her. Now, attending church felt like a dirty little secret. 

“Bernie?” A familiar voice comes from behind.

Bernie turns to see who is calling her. Pastor Paul stands, staring at her, eyes wide with shock. “Pastor Paul…” Bernie trails off, unable to find anything to say other than his name, after she sees his wife and two young kids behind him, covering their eyes.

They stand there in silence, willing the other person to speak first. Bernie’s shoulders start to feel bare and cold. The cleavage from her corset suddenly feels too much and she pulls her coat around her. 

“I’m surprised to see you here, Bernie. We haven't seen much of you lately. I guess I may know why." Pastor Paul finally speaks, his eyes scanning the other girls dressed in what he would describe as scantily clad. "Will I be seeing you at church tomorrow?”  

Bernie nods sheepishly. “Good. Maybe we can catch up.” Pastor Paul voices formally.

He no longer sounds like the welcoming pastor Bernie once knew. He gapes at Bernie with a look that says he isn’t angry, just disappointed. He speaks to her like he is her father, and she needs to be reprimanded for her behavior. He casts one final disapproving look at her before ushering his wife and kids away.

Her face starts to feel hot. Her cheeks flush with an orangish red color while her eyes begin to fill with tears. “Bernie, are you ok?” Paulina asks, her voice offering comfort from behind Bernie. 

Taking a deep breath, Bernie mutters to herself, “I have the agency to create the life I want. I am worthy of adoration.” 

Maybe she shouldn’t go to church tomorrow. Maybe she should just go to karaoke tonight and look for a brand-new corset in the morning to celebrate her first burlesque performance.