See Me

The knock on my door sounded urgent. I was stuck between hurrying and hesitation because it was so alarming. I cracked open the door enough to peek out and see him standing there, looking around, full of anxiety. He always cracked his knuckles when he was anxious.

“Daniel?”

“Oh god, Alexis, can I please come in?”

“What? What are you even doing here?”

Secretly, this is what I had wanted all along. The first couple months after he left with no explanation or goodbye, I kept waiting for him to come back in tears and apologize and tell me he couldn’t live without me. However, I had given up on that long ago, but that didn’t stop my heart from beating faster seeing him at my door. I didn’t know if I wanted to hug or slap him.

“I know, that was screwed up. Just please let me in, and I’ll explain.”

I embarrassed myself too many times calling his mom, asking if she knew where he was. Admitting to my friends that they were right about my criminal boyfriend. No one said “I told you so” when he left, but they had every right to. They were probably more relieved than anything, even if it meant a few moments of heartbreak for me.

I opened the door a little wider, and he pushed past me and took a deep breath once inside. We stared at each other for several seconds, and then he pulled me in for a hug. I wanted to push him away, but I sank into him just like I used to, trying not to cry.

After getting lost in his familiar smell and then finally composing myself, I backed up and asked, “What the hell, Daniel?”

He looked at the floor for a moment and then looked back at me. I’ve had months to prepare for this moment, so I continued, “You had three months left at that halfway house, and then you just took off? What were you thinking? And you didn’t even tell me you were leaving?”

“I knew you would try to talk me out of it. And I just couldn’t stay there anymore, Alexis. I’m sorry. I couldn’t figure out how to tell you goodbye, but I know I should have told you.”

“No, you should have stayed, you idiot. Then you would be out on probation right now. And things would basically just be normal.”

“I don’t think things will ever just be normal with me.”

I paused, scared to ask. “Did you start using again?” He bit his lip as my eyes filled with tears. “And I’m guessing the police are looking for you?”

“Look, Alexis-”

“Why did you even come here? Do you need money or something?”

“No, that’s not it. I just needed to tell you I’m sorry. A buddy of mine is going to take me out to California, and I couldn’t leave this time without telling you bye.”

“How thoughtful of you.”

“Please just try to understand.”

I could feel my anger rising. “Understand? I don’t owe you anything.”

“I know you don’t, Alexis. But I promise I tried. I really did. You have no idea how hard it’s been.”

“I’m glad to hear it. Things haven’t been easy for me either. Have you been around here this whole time?”

“No, I went to Texas to stay with a friend there. But I came back to… I guess just to see you.”

“You could have at least called, you know, anytime in the last seven months. I didn’t even know if you were still alive.”

He nodded. “It was a shitty thing for me to do.”

Just then he noticed a small drawing in a frame on my wall. He asked, “You kept that?”

I turned to look at his drawing of a cabin on a snowy mountain, and I could feel my shoulders soften. “Yeah. It’s just really pretty.”

Every letter I received from him while he was in jail was filled with incredible art, and I loved to imagine our future home filled with all of his paintings and drawings. But now all of his other drawings were tucked away in a box in my closet. I never could bring myself to throw them away, just in case he found his way back to me.

He said, “I forgot about that one.”

“You never took me to that cabin like you promised, you know.”

“I know, I’m sorry about that too.”

Every Saturday for nine months, I drove 180 miles one way for a two hour visit with him. I turned in my ID, went through a metal detector, and waited for him at a picnic table. I lived for that moment every week, when I first saw him walking towards me. He picked me up every time he gave me a hug, and the guard always told us to calm down and separate. We filled the two hours talking about my classes, his cellmate, our dream to live in the mountains, how my mom disapproved of this whole situation. Even though we lived under a strict set of rules, everything felt so possible.

One Saturday he asked me, “You know what I love about you?”

“What’s that?”

“You see me. Not this jumpsuit, not my addiction or these drug charges. Just me.”

I saw his hopeful blue eyes and his smile with one fake tooth from a four-wheeler accident. I saw a 7^th grade boy who won his school’s spelling bee. I saw a teenager who lost his father to cancer and eventually found drugs as a way to cope with his heartache. I saw a man who wanted to be better but just didn’t know how. I thought I could help him figure it out.

I smiled. “Well I know that you’re capable of so much more than this.”

“What, like being a starving artist?” We laughed.

“Well I’ll support you until you sell your first piece for millions.”

It took me several months to realize we would never look at each other that same way again. We would no longer share a future and have the same dreams. I had finally accepted that, and now here he was right in front of me again.

I asked, “So what’s your plan? Just keep running?”

“I’ll get to California and make sure I stay out of trouble.”

“Oh yes, you’re so good at that.”

Daniel reached out to grab my hand. “I’ll be fine. And you don’t need to be here worrying about me anyways.”

I wanted to believe him. I had spent months trying not to worry about him. “Just be careful, ok? And I still think you’re an idiot.”

Hours later, there was another urgent knock on my door. I opened it slowly, half expecting it to be Daniel, telling me he decided not to leave again. Instead, it was two police officers.

“Alexis?”

“Yes?” I asked fearfully.

“We are looking for Daniel Hardy. We have reason to believe that you may know where he is.”

My heart began racing again. “Umm no, not really. We stopped talking a long time ago.”

“We’ve got a warrant for his arrest. We got two calls earlier today from people who saw him in the area, and we know you two have a history.”

“Yeah I mean we dated for a while. But he left and I haven’t heard from him.”

“Listen, it’s not your job to lie for him. You may think you’re protecting him, but we all know he needs help. So I’m going to ask you again, have you seen him?”

I thought about our brief goodbye kiss, which I shouldn’t have let happen, yet I didn’t totally regret. He wiped away a lonely tear that rolled down my cheek. I pictured his face as he looked back at me at the end of the driveway.

“Alexis, have you?”