Thundering Lights

Sizzle. Fzzzz.

BOOM

Red.

BOOM

Purple.

BOOM

Blue.

The fireworks are beautiful tonight but only for the way they light up her face.

I feel like I almost know her. I’ve seen her for years now. Always New Year’s Eve. Always City Park. She comes at 7, leaves at around 9. She carries a clunky camera around her neck so I know she’s the nostalgic type, experiencing life through a glass hole just to remember all those little moments. Insignificant, but they’re everything to her. 

But I can remember her clearly without any camera. She stays the same to me even though her eyes are always changing. They’re hidden behind round glasses, but I know they’re full of night and sky. They must flash rainbow with every deep boom and pop of color. I know I would see it if I was with her right now. I know she holds tonight inside of her. The beauty of the fireworks is written in her face, illuminating her.   They make her lenses flash like cameras, capturing the moment not just for her but for me. Even though I can barely see her, I’d recognize her anywhere. She’s always been a natural beauty but now she’s experimenting. This year her hair is red, the scarlet bright against her pale skin. Last year her hair was brown. I liked it better before, but I would never tell her that. She’s still beautiful. 

I wish she knew how beautiful she is. I know from the way she holds herself that she hasn’t been shown that yet. That beautiful face so often hidden by her camera as she points it around her, the hunched posture as she cups her hand around the screen to see the pictures. She’s so focused on the beauty of the night that she forgets herself. She’s so obsessed with her pictures but I can’t imagine what anyone would want to take pictures of tonight besides her. I wish she saw her beauty. I know I can show her that. I can show her how to love herself. I can show her that I love her.

Once I show her, everything will change. For once, she’ll tear her gaze from the sky and turn her camera to take a picture of the crowd that’s gathered, looking from the sky to the ground, onto me. Her eyes will settle on me from behind that thick lens and then she’ll really see. She’ll lower her camera as her eyes meet mine for the first time. I know she’d realize then that she feels the same way I do. She just needs to see me. Then she’ll know.

BOOM. Green.

And one day I'll get down on one knee for her.

“I've known since I saw you that you were perfect. You looked so beautiful that night. But you look even more beautiful now. I want to light up your face the way the fireworks did. I want to be with you every new year. Will you let me?”

BOOM. Orange.

 I'll cry at our wedding, hot streaming tears. It’ll be the hardest I’ve ever cried and for the best reason I can think of. My vows will be beautiful and she’ll  fall in love with me all over again.

“I didn’t know that I could ever feel so much, that I could experience so much joy with you. Our love is pure joy and every day I love you so much more than I ever thought possible. You set my heart ablaze with your every word. You’ve taught me a new way of feeling. You’ve opened my eyes just like I know I’ve opened yours. Together we’re complete. Together we make colors fly. Thank you for glowing through the dark. Thank you for your brilliant light.”

BOOM. Gold.

She’ll love me completely as I would her and our love would become permanent when we have a child. A baby girl. I hate babies but she’ll be different. I can see her in the living room, crawling on the plush carpet. She pulls herself over to the wooden blocks we have out for her and she grabs the star before banging it against the carpet. Every bang fits the rhythm of my heart as I see them both, my wife gazing down on her, smiling serenely. She reaches down to pick up the baby and she turns to me, smiling. She feels this moment just as much as I do, this pure, spotless moment of beautiful ecstasy. I want to chase this high forever. I want to love them in all the ways I can. I will hold them close, keep them safe. I will stay with them. I will be theirs as they will be mine.

BOOM. Pink.

But then, I snap back to now. She’s standing with someone else, a woman with a toddler by her side. She’s tall with dark skin and dark hair. I’ve never seen her with someone else before, let alone someone with a kid. She must be friends with her. A single mom, God, I can’t imagine. She must be a saint to be around someone pitiful. The woman’s touching her on her arms, too much. Why is she so close? And then, she kisses her. It’s a light kiss, only lasting a second, but it shoots through me with a thundering crack. I can feel every nerve in my body light up as my muscles constrict, my throat threatening to strangle me like I wish it would. How could she do this? I don’t understand. She’s broken me. She was everything. She was all I had. She was what I needed. She kept me together and now she’s ripped me apart, turning all my atoms to dust. Her fire has run its course through my veins. Now I’m left charred and empty. The kid takes her hand. 

She was supposed to look at me. 

And then, she does. She turns towards the crowd gathered, just as I always hoped she would, and her camera points in my direction.

Click.

BOOM.