Our Song

How did that song go again? Oh yea...

"Right from the start you were a thief, you stole my heart, and I ? Your willing victim." They say that it takes certain experiences in life for you to feel the music that you listen to. Unfortunately I had enough experiences to relate to every old, new, and classical era love song.

"I'm sorry I don't understand where all this is coming from? I thought that we were fine.." Yea, guys never really understand. They never truly understand what it means to put your all in and be destroyed. There was a distinct feeling that came from someone you loved ruining an image you had of them. Ruining the hope, the love, and the happiness you once got from them.

"Just give me a reason, just a little bits enough, just a second we're not broken just yet. And we can learn to love again." I loved him with his worst intentions. I had fallen in the wrong direction, he had led me along a path that was wrong for me. I gave him my body, my mind, and my soul. Looking back I just wanted to believe that we could be what he said we could be. Every time he burned me down, I couldn't imagine how for a moment I managed to compel myself that this was heaven.

I wanted to love him, and I wanted him to love me again, but how could I believe him? How could I trust him again, put my heart in his bare hands again. For him to crush something that is barely functioning? I've been beaten, broken, and bled out. I don't think I'd survive the heartbreak this time. I wanted to continue on like we were before, but did I? I wanted parts of him, I wanted parts of the relationship but I knew that's not how it worked.

I missed him. I missed his scent, I missed his late night texts, and his early morning wishes. I missed the late night tik toks, and the late night calls, I missed hearing his voice, I missed feeling his skin under mine, I missed hearing his heartbeat as I laid my head on his chest.. but amongst it all I missed holding onto the idea of us. I had this unrealistic fantasy where one day I'd get out of this hell hole and we'd be happy, it would be just me and him. We'd have the perfect family, two boys and one girl, we'd have the perfect little life. I'd have a garden and he'd have his at home basketball court, and every night we'd sit around the family dinner table and I'd do everything with him and my kids that I never got to do with my own family. But was it realistic? Would it ever be this perfect?

No. The sad unfortunate answer is no, because people aren't perfect, and relationships aren't perfect. I was okay with that but it took me some time to realize that I never felt this way for anyone. I couldn't imagine how he could be okay knowing I'd be gone. But that's the sad truth of it is that, they say you don't know what you've lost until it's gone. The more we went along with this, I started to realize that I would have to show him just that. He said forever, forever is what he promised, he promised to love me, and make me laugh, hold my hand and be there through everything. Instead all I got was empty paragraphs, bitter nights, nasty drunk calls, degrading texts, a disastrous mental health, and an obliterated heart. But that wasn't just it. There was the good and the bad, but I don't know which outweighed the other.

He begged me to take him back, and he laid in my bed. Looking deep into my sad tear filled eyes, he begged me to take him back. I looked terrible, I hadn't been taking care of myself because it was getting harder, it was getting worse. I had taken a bath that morning, and as I sat in my bathtub telling him I didn't want to see him, I was secretly hoping that he'd tell me he didn't care. I wanted him to show up but that made it worse because I don't know why I couldn't just let go. I don't know why I allowed him to have the power that he did over me.

I was breaking out, my glasses were on, my hair was tossed up in a messy bun, and I was wearing my dads old beat up boxers. He told me I looked beautiful but I didn't believe him. There was an elephant in the room, not a word from his lips slipped. There was an awkward silence, a burdening truth sitting between the two of us as we sat on opposite sides of the bed. Why'd we have to move so fast is all I kept thinking to myself. I just wish, I just wish maybe I could press reset. Press do over, and give us another chance. Despite all the other chances that had been given.

The weaker parts of me wanted to scream out, and they were screaming. It took every bone in my body to not throw my arms around him, it took every ounce of my strength to not cry and tell him how I missed him and that I still loved him. I put him first and he adored it, but he let it burn. He burned every bridge, because now every word said left my body feeling empty and lifeless. I had exhausted every option and now there were no straws left.

I'm young, there is still time yet for me to love, for someone to love me for everything that I am. But the thought of anyone else loving me was vile, a hundred million stories, and a hundred million songs. I talked to shooting stars and I felt stupid when I pray, because it was him. It was always going to be him, but how could I continue on like this? The days were becoming duller and darker with every sunrise, and every sunset. I just needed someone, I needed someone to hear me, to understand me, to provide me with love, support, and affection. Just anything to get me by, but I needed him. And when I needed him the most, he wasn't there. I had forgiven him for a lot, but I couldn't let bygones be bygones this time.

I wish I didn't need to hate him to love me. I wish it could be different, and I told him that but I could see our chapter closing. I told him I wished I had been in a different place, in a different state of mind, in a different time. A time where I was older, and wiser, a time where I was stable enough to love myself and to love him. But even if I was all those things, would he be the things he promised to be?

I don't think I'll ever love someone the way I loved you, but I know that this is the part where I pack my bags and go. Luckily, no bags needed to be packed because they had been out the door for a couple months now.

I guess this is our song, just know that...

I will love you forever.