Anywhere But Here

Every time I look out into the streets around here I realize why I want to go. I see the haggard faces of old men and older women who stare at me with peculiar eyes. Inquisitive eyes sometimes, as to wonder what they do not understand of youth. As if they hadn't experienced themselves and now loathe me for having what they once had. Perhaps they squandered it or were forced in a direction they didn't like and feel everyone else should, too. I don't know what it is. I don't want to put words in their mouths. But whenever they speak they do exactly that: prove me right. They travel to the same places year in, year out: Mallorca. Some of them don't want to go anywhere. They just wander around the city, shuffling towards one another and bouncing off with foul words directed in whispers at people they don't like.

Today, I am heading into the city to get to work. I see grumpy, smileless faces as they wait for the regional train to arrive. I see ads to travel to Italy. The train stops at another village and I see an ad for some medicine. The people seem happy when they take it. I can't help wonder how things are outside of here. My parents never took me anywhere. We did not travel to any places at all, not even nearby cities. Father would always say "you can just read up about it, no need to go there. All cities are the same." and that would be the end of that. I was young and so I did not have money to go anywhere, nor the confidence to. I still lived with my parents, it was hard trying to move out of course. I was looking for places but they were all so expensive. Well, I would need a job first... But now with this internship I have a bit of money extra at the end of the month. I counted it all up, €673 remained from the last month. Not bad for three months of work already on minimum wage.

Once at work I started looking up places I could go. Where could I get to with €673? There were flights all over Europe. My mind wandered at the possibilities. Paris? London? Rome? Well, they did not speak German. I was a little bit afraid of getting around there. I didn't speak English well enough to say I could navigate those cities with confidence. I looked for some closer cities I could reach by train. I knew the train, I took it to work. I used the train to visit my friends in another town over, or when we went to Frankfurt to go shopping from time to time. Dresden? Leipzig? I was never in Munich. I heard fun things about the Oktoberfest, but it was still July and that would start in September. I wanted to go somewhere sooner than later. Just to get out of here. Hamburg. There was a train that would take me there from Frankfurt. Wouldn't take too long either.

I started booking everything excitedly. A hostel, only €18 a night. Granted it was with 9 other people but I just wanted to get out. I had no idea how it works. I booked the train as well. I would go Friday after work, a little earlier. I could feel my joy! Getting out of this area was already a godsend. Just to get out of here for a weekend. It would be great just to see another city. See other people than the same people I always see. What does the accent sound like in Hamburg? I almost looked up on YouTube how they talk but thought "No, I will wait until I am there. Be surprised!" and smiled to myself. Colleagues even said that I looked happier than usual. Yes, of course I am! I am leaving! Only for a moment, but it felt like I was dipping my toe out of the murky, smelly water that surrounded me on a day-to-day basis in the village that calls itself a town that I tend to call home.

The work week disappeared in a blur as all I could think about was the trip. I printed out the tickets even though they also take the QR-code if you have the file for the ticket on your phone. I wrote down the itinerary in a little booklet I had laying around. A travel book that I bought in my excitement. I noted down my expenses:

€188 round-trip to Hamburg

€36 two nights in a hostel

€5 travel booklet

€5 travel pen

€10 snacks

I bought some snacks already that I thought would be good to eat. I wondered if travel on the train between cities would be different. They even had a wagon that had a "quiet area". I was confused, what would that mean? Looking it up online I saw many people complained that there were families there, even though there was a section for families or where you could be loud. Apparently you were not to talk too much and not have your phone loud. Would my chips disturb people? So I ended up going with gummibears.

About €430 remained from the money I had. I remembered the prices for souvenirs in Frankfurt and figured I would bring something for mom and dad. Maybe my sister as well! I asked if they had ever been to Hamburg and they said they had long ago, when they used to travel more. "Why don't you travel with us?" I then asked my mother and she shrugged. "We were always too busy." I was confused. In the holidays we went nowhere and my mother would get lost in a book, or cooking, or simply going out with her friends. Summer holidays they would sometimes send us to a nearby camp, but that was it. My sister had friends. She would go out and play with them, or go to the pool, or get invited to parties. She was older than me so she had more freedom.

I asked my colleagues if they had been to Hamburg. Only one of them had been, an older gentleman who preferred to be formally addressed, Mr. Schurer. He had been there once in the 70s he told us and said he couldn't tell me all the things he did there until I was older. I am 24 but he still figured we were too young for that kind of information. Perhaps it is also my youthful face, as I cannot grow a good beard. I hope that I will be able to one day, but I do not have high hopes. I did not want to read about Hamburg, I wanted to go there and see it all for myself.

The day of travel was about to arrive. Tomorrow was the day and I warmed up some pizza from the day before, ambling about as I balanced it dangerously on a plate. I stood in the living room, munching as my mother watched a show absent-mindedly. My sister was out, where I do not know.

"What's up mom?" I ask her. "Oh nothing much." She stares into the screen in front of her, another screen on her lap. She alternates between the two.

"I am going tomorrow after work."

"Ah? Where?"

"Mom..." Unsurprised that she forgot, I tell her again "I am going to Hamburg, Mom. Remember?"

"Ah right. Have fun, honey. Do you know where your sister is?" She asks, looking down to her other screen.

I sigh. "No, I don't know." I continue eating my slice of pizza. I watch the TV and notice it is a cooking show. She loves them recently and they are all the rage. "OK." she replies and continues enveloping herself in her little worlds. "Be careful there. I heard there was a stabbing there again." She parrots what she heard without any verification. "There are many foreigners there, you know. You have to watch out." I roll my eyes and leave to go to my room. I will double check I have everything. Three pairs of underwear, just in case. Shorts, but also long pants. I did check the weather but you never know. Some socks, also backup shoes. I bought some small toiletries as well. A total of €12, so not bad. They have small things for everything. Small toothpaste, small shampoo, small soap. It's like they have things for the Smurfs. I am a little nervous. What if mom is right? What if they do end up stabbing me? The last time it happened was years ago in Hamburg. At least when it was big news on a national scale. I am sure there are people stabbing other people if they get pissed off at each other all the time. I decide to look at a map of Hamburg anyway and see where my hostel is. It turns out it is right by the train station. I hate the train station in Frankfurt. There are many drug addicts there and I have heard plenty of stories about stabbings there. But then again, I never had seen any myself... So what is true?

Either way, I cannot sleep in the end. I wake up early and am tired the entire day. I go to work with my little suitcase, I took it from my sister. I don't think she will miss it. It's black and small, inconspicuous. I don't know what I would worry about standing out, but I feel like I will when I am there. The work day flies by. A few things to scan here, some mail to send there. It is quiet in the mail room today.

"Go on then, have a nice weekend." Mr. Schurer sent me on my way already after lunch. I asked if he was sure and he said that I "deserve it." I wasn't sure what he meant exactly, it wasn't like my work was hard, but I took it all the same. I arrived two hours earlier than my departure. I went to a café nearby that I knew was good and cheap. I scrolled on my phone and scrolled. I thought I was on my phone for a while but I still had an hour left. I decided to look on the timetable where the train normally leaves. I found the platform and waited near it, staring at the departure screen over and over again. They sure took their time announcing where the train would leave from! The platform information I found said platform three. The ticket also said platform three. And fifteen minutes before the train was going to leave they also wrote it on the departure table. I hurried there.

The train was not there yet. Three and a half hours I would be on the way to Hamburg. Quite a trip. The biggest one in my life, I think. My parents said they took me and my sister to a small town in Belgium where our aunt lives, once, but I don't remember. So it doesn't count. The train is arriving. It is long and sleek and white. I look at the wagons to see which one is mine. Luckily the 132 is right in front of me. I get in and find my reserved seat. I wanted to make sure I have a seat. It was a window seat! I felt very lucky. The train was filling up quickly and someone had reserved the seat next to me. Just before we were to leave, an older lady arrived and took the seat. We nodded at each other. I felt self-conscious about taking out my snacks now with her next to me. I don't know why. I decided to rest my eyes...

And I fell asleep! It was only fifteen minutes until Hamburg. The lady that was next to me was gone and I realized I was slightly leaning onto that seat. My suitcase was still above me, as my heart jolted I looked up to see if it was there, as well as my bag. Everything was there. My phone was still in my pocket, no one stole it. The conductor was announcing our arrival to Hamburg. I was angry at myself, I missed the scenery! The landscapes! What I could have seen! As the train was pulling in I noticed sadly that it looked similar to Frankfurt. Modern houses everywhere. Roads like home. Cars like at home. Pulling into the station I looked at the people's faces. They were frowning too. Someone bumped into me and didn't even apologize. I saw haggard faces and grumpy people. I guess things aren't that different... except the smell. I could hear seagulls. I had only seen seagulls on TV before! How far were we from the water? I hurried to find the water. I hurried south and saw cranes and big buildings. Apparently one of them was the philharmonic building. I looked out and saw the water. It was blue, it looked lovely. I took in the air and smiled as a few seagulls cawed above. There was a woman with her baby in a carriage nearby. The people here looked like the people at home. I felt at ease and good. It was good to be away. I felt like going further and further. I opened my arms, closed my eyes and put my head back in my neck. I felt free. I could not hear the nagging, the complaining, the fear. I felt free.