My Heart Will Survive

Are You there, God? It’s me, Rhia, and I’m in a bind. I thought if I talked it through with You I might gain some clarity, even though in my experience I haven’t had much success hearing Your voice. Also, since You are omnipresent, You’ll know all this, already. I just need to get it said for my own peace.

I’ve been married to George for more than forty years. It hasn’t been a happily ever after experience, but it has been comfortable. Love, to me, is a choice. Sometimes I have a feeling of love for George, a warm fuzzy I call it, which is very pleasant. And once upon a time our relationship included a satisfying sex life. George taught me how to enjoy my body and his. Now, we have compatibility and camaraderie. Importantly, George has been there for me as I have struggled with depression. In fact, he has been a refuge; a haven; a reason I’m still alive.

We have a wonderful, thirty-something daughter, Caitlin. The three of us live together with our pomapoo pup, Merry, short for Meriadoc. You know, Merry Brandybuck, a hobbit from the Lord of the Rings legendarium..

On the other hand, our intimacy has suffered as a result of George’s medically related impotence. In addition, we don’t find a lot to talk about, except politics, which is such a downer these days. But one of the biggest issues is his temper. It’s not directed at Caitlin or me. Working with his phone or laptop can bring out the worst in him. Or maybe he’ll drop something, or something will get in his way. He takes it as a personal affront when things don’t go as he expects. My problem with this behavior? Since childhood, I’ve been sensitive to explosive anger, courtesy of my dad’s inability to handle his emotions. Anger was his go-to feeling. So when George is in a state, I have arranged with him that I will leave the house for a respite.

On one of those trips, I met Jamie at Panera. We met by chance, or perhaps it was serendipity. Not wanting to keep secrets, I mentioned our meeting to George. What George doesn’t know is that my regular trips for the last two months have been to see Jamie.

He’s a writer, as am I. He’s also a therapist, so he’s interested in human development. That highlights one of the big differences between George and me: I’m interested in growth; George prefers the status quo. George does not deal with emotional issues. No anger management program for him. He considers it a success if he can hide his depression from his therapist.

My deepest longing, of course, is really for You, as You well know. Neither George nor Jamie can fill the emptiness I feel. Although, it is only in relationships that the edge of my loneliness is worn down. My relationship with Jamie does a better job of assuaging that pain than my relationship with George. Interestingly, because of Jamie, my relationship with George has improved. I’m not as reactive to his anger, and am more demonstrative of my love.

The thing is, Jamie and I find ourselves on the same wave-length most of the time. In essence, we grok each other. Meaning, we are so in tune with each other that it is as though we have merged. (You, of course, understood me when I used the word, grok).

To be fair, George and I are also in tune with each other. We’re able to finish the other’s sentences, and sometimes even read the other’s mind. We know each other very well.

And we accept each other. All of that adds up to love for me—a deep love built on a solid foundation of trust. It is a long-standing relationship. One doesn’t walk away from something like that without good reason.

I knew at the onset this relationship with Jamie could get complicated. But I took a chance, and now the complication has arisen. Jamie wants more out of the relationship. He says he loves me. I love him, too. But when he pressed the issue, I rejected him. Although now that I think about it, I’m angry with Jamie for forcing my hand with an ultimatum. Why couldn’t we have stayed platonic friends? If I left George for Jamie, I would no longer be the woman Jamie loves; a woman with a strong moral compass.

I believe in commitment. I made a commitment to George when we married. I meant to keep the commitment then, and it’s my intention to keep it now. It’s not that I don’t love George. But the love I feel for Jamie is more passionate, and based upon a commonality that is deeper than what I have with George.

So, what do I need from You?

Would that You could give me permission to follow my heart. As Rumi says, “Your heart knows the way, run in that direction.” But my heart is conflicted. No matter what I choose, hearts get broken. I have been a safe port for George, as he has been for me. Leaving him would cut him adrift, and I don’t know if he could find his way back to shore. I’m sure Caitlin would never forgive me. And so, Jamie’s heart is broken. And, no matter what I choose, my heart is broken.

So God, as I said, our communications have never been particularly clear or satisfying, so I’m not really expecting an answer from You. I could use some comfort, though. I’ve just thought of the song by Carrie Newcomer, “Sanctuary.” Did You put that in my head? That brings some comfort. “Will you be my refuge? My haven in the storm?” Because George, Caitlin, and Merry are my sanctuary, and I am theirs. As much as I long for Jamie’s arms around me, and mine around him, he is not mine to hold.

Thank You for helping me see that loving my family is my calling at this time. I will cope, I will heal, and my heart will survive.