PAMELA

  His mouth said he would never leave her. His eyes said something different. She knew this but did not want to believe it. She wanted them both to get old together. She was in denial of his subtle hints that would led you to believe he would leave her soon. Like not wanting to invest in a new car with her. Pamela knew it was a bad sign but did not dwell on it. She told herself, he just doesn’t want to get into too much debt. Pamela knew Frank loved her but he just had a hard time showing it. Or when he looked so uncomfortable when she talked about the future and getting married. Pamela thought these things would come in time.

   Pamela came home from work one day and Frank wasn’t there. He’s a writer so he works from at home. His car was not in the drive way either. Pamela saw the note on the kitchen table. But avoided reading it until she had a soft drink and a good long rest in a comfortable chair. Something told her it was not good news. Nothing out of the ordinary had happened. No arguments, no fights every thing was fine as far as she was concerned. But then there was the note on the kitchen table. She went upstairs to the closet to check to see if his clothes were there. They weren’t and two large suitcases were also missing. Pamela’s heart sank, how could he do this. She thought better of him, leaving her a note after a year of living together. 

   She knew it was not easy living with someone with bi-polar disorder. She had some days were it was a struggle to get out of bed. Other days she was fine and up for a 3 mile walk around the park. On the days she wasn’t feeling well, Frank would make soup and serve it to her. He would be very tender and loving. He would give her a massage and tell her she’ll feel better soon. He cared for her unlike any other man she had known. What it did to him she was unaware of. Her mother had acted like she was being lazy and was in denial of her whole mental illness. Frank was different he treated her like she had the flu and would recover shortly. 

   She gave him books to read on the subject and she even had him sit in on her therapy sessions. Pamela should of asked more questions, she should of tried to see her illness from his perspective. The sadness of it, the inconvenience of it, the responsibility of it. 

    They meet were she works at the library. He was seated at one of the large reading tables. Frank could not stop laughing. It was a book he was reading that kept cracking him up. She explained several times that there must be silence in the library. They got to talking and he asked her if he could take her out when the library closed. Pamela said yes, they had an unconventional date which began with Frank reading her the book. They both got a kick out of it. Next was a long dinner at an Indian restaurant. She was not familiar with the food so Frank did the ordering. The food was quite good even though she couldn’t pronounce most of the items.

   Frank told her he was a writer working for a small town publication in the next town over. He lived in an apartment and drove Betsy his beloved love bug. Pamela told him she worked part-time at the library and was exhausted by all the people interaction she had to do. By the time she gets home from work she’s exhausted. She can only eat and go to sleep. Frank wondered if she found him exhausting? 

   She said “ I find you very refreshing and funny in a good way”.

   He said “ Let’s do this again on Friday and I promise I’ll let you pick the restaurant. I also want you to catch up on your beauty rest.”

   Pamela remembers it all like it was yesterday. She remembers how attracted she was to Frank as a human being. It did not take them long to start living together. Pamela has a small house so Frank moved in with her. Not before she explained about having mental illness. But by that time they were so much in love. Pamela was not sure Frank knew what mental illness meant.

   Why does everything have to be about my illness. Why can’t it be because he did not love me enough. Why can’t it be because he was not the settling down type. Pamela does not understand why she must blame herself for their break up. But she can’t help wondering who will make her soup, and ,massage her when she’s not feeling well. That is the thing about mental illness you come to rely on others for simple tasks. But, she knows she can manage on her own. With the help of her doctors she will manage.

The note says:

    My Dear Pamela,

I love you and wish you well in your life. I hope you get the right medication so you have no more down days. Our time together had to come to an end. You see I’m not sure I want to get married and stringing you along was the wrong thing to do.

You have meant a lot to me and if you ever need anything please don’t hesitate to give me a call.

Best wishes,

Frank

   He had to put the last sentence in after all I a am bi-polar. If I ever need anything? What could I possible need except to be loved for who I am. He’s no good and I’m better without him. If a man cannot except me for who I am then he’s not the right man for me. It’s really that simple. I’ll probably cry myself to sleep tonight and then feel better in the morning. I guess I should start dinner. I think I’ll have soup since it’s light and will warm my insides. I’ll go to bed early tonight. Its already been a long day. 

   Pamela looked at the pictures of her and Frank scattered around the house. She decided to eat supper on the deck since there would be less reminders of Frank outside.  She got her soup, a tray and a big piece of bread. She took it outside to eat. She told herself, she’ll be just fine without him. Warm baths use to work on her down days and she’ll start doing that again.  As she was finishing the bread she felt a drop of rain on her head. Soon sprinkles on the deck. She hesitated for a moment wondering if she should just stay put. But she didn’t need a cold on top of this break up. So she went inside to take down the pictures that were inappropriate now.