Vulnerable Complexities

“Happy New Year!” My best friend screams into the karaoke mic while the two of us lay on her bed in her one-bedroom studio apartment. “Happy New Year, Lana…” I say gently in my red solo up full of chilled rose, eyes tracing the yellowing trim of the front door. Another year, another red solo cup, and another soft gaze through the tiny window. Lana’s apartment was on the top floor, and it met the gaze of each firework that dared to brighten the darkened room. Darkened because Lana and I agreed that to successfully move into the new year we must lay in the darkest parts of ourselves to become light again.

           Lana and I have known one another since we were five years old where we lived in an abandoned house because both of our parents were addicts and forgot about our existence. Harsh? Maybe, but it is our reality. Lana and I swore that we would move out of that small town to New York City where we would pursue my writing career and her acting career. She and I both worked three jobs to be able to save money for travel, and a down payment on our first apartment together. We did it, in 2020 we moved to New York City where we lived together in small rundown, $3,000 a month, closets all over the island. It wasn’t until 2022 where Lana landed the movie deal, and I landed a youth advocacy job that made us split into our own places.

           It has always been difficult for her and me to be apart because our trauma’s bonded us together, as if we were the same person. Day by day Lana and I promised each other we would never touch a drug, that we would run every partner by each other, and that every night we would find a way to watch our favorite sitcom together by video call or in-person.

 It’s been hard.

           “Mari…” Lana’s tired voice whispered into my right ear as we lay next to one another, completely breaking me free of the spiral my mind began to cascade down. “Hmm?” I hummed, opening my eyes to look gently on hers. “I’m moving to L.A. next month. February 1^st.” My gentle eyes turned sharp, and I sat up abruptly, “What!?” My heart began to race, my palms got sweaty, the hair on my arms stood up. “I-I’m sorry…” She began, but I quickly cut her off shakily, “Save it.” I got out of the bed and grabbed my coat, purse, and keys-fumbling everything along the way. “Mari, wait!” She begged as I opened the door and ran down the 8 flights of stairs in her apartment.

           I ran, and I kept running. I know it seems like I am overreacting, and shit, maybe I am. The peaceful moment of going into 2024 with my best friend and I living our dreams was shattered. She is going to leave me. I can’t just get up and leave for LA. My writing hasn’t taken off yet, so I am burdened by a basic wage job that barely pays me enough to keep up with the bills. “Fuck!” I gasped as I fell to my knees on the sidewalk, sobbing into my hands. Every part of my trauma began to surface, and all those deep wounds seemed to split open and pour out of my eyes.

           “Girl! Get off the floor and stop crying, it’s 2024!” A woman screamed at me as her and her group of friends danced by me. “…H-Huh?” I sniffled and looked up to see glitter and confetti surrounding me. “Leave that bullshit in 2023, love.” One of her friends said to me and my eyes travelled from my snotty sleeves to a man, reaching his hand out to me to help me up. My cheeks quickly turned red as I smiled politely, taking his hand. “Thanks…” I breathed out, wiping my eyes and brushing off my clothes. “We having a moment?” He said giggling. I looked at him confused before looking down at our interlaced fingers. I pulled my hand quickly away and tucked my curls behind my ear, blushing. “Omg, I am so sorry!” I tried to laugh the uncomfortable feeling off. “Max. You?” he asked, smiling, and looking at me with the sincerest eyes I have ever seen. “Mari.” I said tenderly and pulled my jacket closer around my body.

           “C’mon Max! Let’s go to the next bar.” The woman who yelled at me earlier said to him and he waved her off. “I think I’m done for the night, Lexi. I think I am going to help this young lady to the public transit.” My eyes looked between them, wide, confused, but also with relief. I watched her shrug and walk off with the group of people that originally were surrounding me. “You don’t have too...” I said and picked my purse off the ground. “I know, but maybe an unbiased stranger could turn your 2024 around. We’re only an hour in and you’re crying…”

           With a nod Max and I began to walk down the street. I realized that I am walking distance from my apartment. “Oh, I live close. I won’t need a transit. Thank you.” I began to bite my nails, sniffling, because the tears just wouldn’t stop. My body was still in fight or flight, and I don’t think a stranger would be able to get me out of it. “Hey…” Max said and stopped under a streetlamp, and I turned to him with a sigh. Max gently reached out and grabbed my wrist to remove my hand from my mouth. “I was the person crying on the floor beginning of 2023, and some stranger was nice enough to listen to my problems. That stranger was Lexi, the party hopper I just ditched for you, stranger.” He chuckled and leaned against the streetlamp post. “Let it out. Yell at me, scream the most terrifying scream you’ve ever scrumpt. Please, it is never good to hold it in. I won’t say anything until you’re done and then we’ll part ways. You will never have to see or talk to me again.” I stood there for a moment with my blurry eyes and my foggy mind. “…Alright. But this is still weird.” I mumbled, running my fingers through my hair to push it out of my face.

           Then I yelled. I told him everything from my parents leaving me to present.

           “And now she is leaving me just like my parents!” I screamed out. All the sudden I took the most insane deep breath I have ever taken. I didn’t realize that whole time I was ranting and raving to him about my fucked-up life I didn’t once take a breath. Max stared at me with furrowed eyebrows and a frown on his lips. My cheeks began to heat up and then the uncomfortable feeling began to make a reappearance. Oh no, I just trauma dumped on this poor man. “I am so sorry, Mari...” Max said with a shaky tone and watery eyes. My eyes looked up to meet his, and then I felt the most reassuring feeling rush over me. How can someone have the sincerest look in their eyes? “No one should have to go through these things in life, and as you spoke, I could see the strength behind every tear that fell down your cheeks. I don’t think you see that strength in yourself, do you?” I shook my head with a deep breath.

           “Mari, I know we are the strangest of strangers right now. I now know more about your life than you do mine. I know that probably makes you very uncomfortable.” He chuckled. “I want to say that fate has brought us together like I have never seen before. My life has been like yours, and the reason I was on the floor in 2023 is the same reason you’re on the floor in 2024. Trauma will always be with you, and how you react is the only way you can deal with these tough feelings. My advice, as cliché as it may be, is to not let this come between you and Lana. From your story, I can only imagine the stress and anxiety a decision like this made her feel. Just like you, she needs her friend.” Max looked me in the eyes the entire time he spoke, and as much as I didn’t want to listen to him, I had to. “To be vulnerable is to be complex, and to be complex is to be vulnerable.” He said gently. My eyes fluttered shut as I let out a deep breath, head low.

           I stared at my feet thinking of Lana. Always look at your feet when you’re panicking because it will always remind you of how to ground yourself. She would always say that when I started to spiral, or when I would open the door to let my hurt in. My eyes lifted from my grounded feet in hopes of meeting Max’s but he was no longer standing in front of me. “Max?” I walked around the streetlamp and then let my eyes adjust to the darkness around me. We must sit in the darkness so that we can find our way back to the light. “Oh Lana…” I breathed out before looking up at the sky. It looked like the stars were winking at me, almost mocking me for how foolish the last 5 hours of my life had been. “Yeah, I know.” I sighed and with that I made my way to the front doors of my apartment building.

           I climbed the four flights of stairs thinking about how weird my night had been. I went from the highest of highs to the lowest of lows in the matter of hours. I was reaching the door of my apartment when I heard sniffles, causing me to pause. “Lana?” I said gently, turning the corner to see her sitting outside my front door. “Mari, I am so sorry I didn’t mean to ruin your New Years-“ she began but I stopped her by hugging her tightly to my chest. “Lana, you are my best friend, my sister, and my only family. Your dreams are my dreams. I am so sorry for ruining your New Years, and your happiness about this next chapter of your life. I never want to lose you, but sometimes that means not being this close to each other. I will come visit all the time, and we’ll still watch our sitcom, and we will still spend every holiday together.” Lana giggled through her sobs and held my face between her palms, and I hers.

Together we said, “No matter how, no matter when I will always love you like the moon loves the ocean. High tides and low tides will never separate our hearts.”

           Lana was sleeping on my couch as I grabbed my journal, flipping to a new blank page. My eyes looked over the lines that were begging to be filled with every ounce of who I am. I grabbed my pen and wrote, “To be vulnerable is to be complex, and to be complex is to be vulnerable.”