I Deserve to Speak Now

“Speak now or I will be out of that door and you will never see me again!” 

Although Jake has heard this many times before, this time he has to know I mean it. 

I mean, do I? 

Mean it? 

At what point does a girl get tired of being a default? Can change happen after multiple infractions? 

Do I even love myself? 

Regardless of these unanswered thoughts flowing through my head, I have to convince him. I have to convince him now!

As I convince myself that this will be the last time. 

“The last time Amy!”

I can hear the voice of my therapist now. “Amy, if you don’t show people how to treat you they will forever walk over you.” 

Treat me! Treat me? What have I been doing? Playing pretend? Creating a fantasy world where it is Groundhog day and they get as many redos as they like? I have shown them. The real question is, have they seen? Do they see me Dr. Jane Laurel? 

“I know you have seen this story before. I know you are a regular subscriber, but this time I mean it Jake. At what point do you take accountability for the lies?” 

Breathe Amy!

“The lies Jake! At one point do you accept that all of this is because of you?” 

I know my friends think I’m nuts. Hell, I may be. Accepting this man back after Jaime, Donna, and the other Amy. After the countless lies and words like daggers that are thrown without care. 

“What now Amy? What do you want me to say? I am sorry? Is that what you want me to say? I am sorry. There, can you sit down? You have been doing this for the past hour and I am tired of being a spectacle on our street. Just sit down and we can have a nice dinner.

Dinner…

 It was during dinner two weeks ago when I had to set up an emergency appointment with Dr. Laurel. During my last visit  she tried to convince me I have abandonment issues. I mean in order for someone to have abandonment issues they have to have at one point been received by someone. I am getting tired of Dr. Laurel and her diagnosis. This is her way to continue these conversations that are costing me a fortune and not creating change. 

“No Jake! I don’t want to sit down. I don’t want to sit down.”

I Jake, want to know what spell you placed on me? How is it that you get to be the protagonist that creates the plot? How do you get to be the hero who brings “nice dinners” that makes everything all better? 

No Jake, I am not sitting down. 

I will stand up. I will stand up understanding that you have never been worthy of me. You have never been worthy of my tears…my love…my time..my…

But how do I get MYSELF to believe this? What does he do for me? What comfort am I experiencing in a man who doesn’t know the true meaning of love? 

In some ways I feel sorry for us both. We are on this never ending loop trying to make sense of the knots and frayed edges that lead us to a pile of tangled scraps. How can we get out of this? This Labyrinth.

This time Amy, you have to put your big girl panties on and tell him NO. Tell him you are done. Tell him that there is nothing left of you to give. 

There is nothing but pain. There is nothing but pain that leads down to the bones and they ache. 

And you are tired. 

You are finally at the place Dr. Laurel said a shift will begin to happen. 

“The way to fix the abandonment issues Amy is to correct idealistic expectations. Stop expecting things from Jake he can’t possibly give you right now.”

Dr. Laurel, how do you know what Jake is capable of giving? He can't be sorry? He can’t apologize for the hurt and disappointment he has caused? How much is sorry worth?

“Listen Amy, I know that we haven’t been seeing eye to eye lately, but I really have changed. I created this dinner for us as a new start. I even surprised you. When have I ever surprised you? I mean it baby. Come here.” 

Maybe Amy, maybe this is the time. Maybe those idealistic expectations that you placed on him that he did not agree to created this. Maybe it was because he was 21 when you met him. He was a baby. He was the same age as your younger brother Michael. 

I know mom said that he is 36 now and things should definitely be different, but maybe it isn’t. I remember reading about a disorder in my psychology class that talked about how some men never grow up. They get stuck at an age that causes them to make stupid decisions. Maybe that is what Jake is suffering from. He didn’t have two parents. 

I know I did, but still. 

So that leaves the question, Am I willing to deal with this? Do I want to be a mother before I have the opportunity to be a mother? Do I want to devote another 10 plus years of my life praying for something better?

“Jake, I am going to tell you what I am willing to do. I am willing to be friends. We can be friends. We can be friends that have no idealistic expectations for each other.”

“Amy, what the hell are you talking about?”

I am talking about how I am done with this. I am done with the lies. I am done with the promises that are never met. I am done with the belief that somehow we can be anything more than friends. I am done. I have finally decided to reach deep within my body and show you…

Show myself …

That I deserve to 

SPEAK NOW!