Wedding Speech.

Contains some swearing and mild violence.

Sarah tapped a fork against her champagne glass, toppling it over.

“I’d like to say something.” 

She stood up, stumbled and caught herself on her mother’s shoulder. 

“Not now Sarah.” hissed her mother, Claire. “This is your sister’s special day.” 

“What? I’m…I’m great at making speeches.” Sarah slurred, adjusting the strap of her bridesmaid dress. 

She held up a now empty glass and looked down the head table at her sister.

“I’d like to make a toast. To Fiona and Brad. What a beautiful couple.”

The reception guests cheered loudly. Sarah gave her mother a smug look.

“I’m just so proud of you, little sister.” she went on. “Great career, a brand new house and now marrying the man of your dreams.” 

More enthusiastic clapping from the crowd. The bride beamed, resplendent in her designer gown.

“You’ve achieved everything you ever wanted to since you were a little girl.”

More clapping.

“You’re definitely everything Mum and Dad could have dreamed of as a daughter. Unlike me.”

A few awkward claps. 

“Oh, God.” muttered their father, Teddy. 

Sarah addressed the groom. 

“Brad, I haven’t really met you properly yet. But you seem like a wonderful guy.” 

“Thanks!” Brad raised his beer.

His affable nature eased the crowd. 

“I think everyone will…” Sarah began.

Brad’s father slapped his son jovially on his broad shoulder, spilling Brad’s raised beer. Laughter rippled from the tables and Sarah hesitated, annoyed the groom had stolen her spotlight. She raised her glass higher, speaking loudly to regain the attention of the guests.

“I think everyone will join me…” 

More laughter from the crowd as the groom and his father had a mock fight over the spilled beer. Fiona smiled nervously next to them, trying not to get beer on her wedding dress. Sarah’s eyes narrowed. This wasn’t how she imagined her big speech would go. She cleared her throat.

“I know I wasn’t meant to say anything yet,” she said loudly. “But, Fiona, you just look so radiant, sitting there in your expensive dress.” 

More clapping. Wait for it, thought Sarah. 

“Despite the morning sickness earlier.”

The clapping stopped and Fiona’s smile disappeared. 

“You two are going to make such wonderful parents,” Sarah said sarcastically. “I’m so excited I will be an aunty soon!”

Brad turned to his bride. 

“You’re pregnant?” he yelled.

Fiona, eyes wide with shock, looked desperately around the room.

“I… uh… I was going to tell you.”

“What?” Brad stood up. 

Fiona looked at her sister who held up her glass in a mock cheers.

“You bitch! I told you that in confidence!” she screeched.

“Whose is it?” Brad demanded.

A gasp from the guests. 

“Yours of course!” Fiona’s shrill voice echoed around the hall.

“Do something Teddy, you're the MC!” Claire whispered frantically.

Teddy stood up.

“Well, um, thank you Sarah, for that speech. It’s been a very long day. A wonderful day. But a long one. Perhaps we should all call it a night.”

“Who have you been sleeping with?” the groom yelled over his father-in-law. 

“How dare you say that to my daughter!” Claire yelled, unable to maintain her composure.  

The groom's father stood up. 

“Now wait just a second, Claire. My boy deserves an answer, we all know it can't be his.”

“And why not, Simon?” spat Claire.

Simon looked at Brad.

“You have told them haven’t you? About the vasectomy? You don’t want kids.” he looked at Fiona. “Well obviously she knows. Right?”

“You had a vasectomy?” Fiona yelled in disbelief. 

Brad put his hands up.

“I was going to tell you.”

“When?” 

“Before we met.” 

“No, Brad. When were you going to tell me? You know I want kids!”

“I thought you wouldn’t want to be with me...”

“Wait a minute, that’s not the issue here!” Simon interrupted. “We paid for half this circus of a wedding and the whole time you’ve been bed-hopping around town!”

“That’s it!” yelled Teddy, launching his great girth at Simon. “No one talks about my daughter that way!” 

Brad stepped in to defend his father and the three men scuffled together, landing on the table. It buckled under the extra weight and collapsed. Screams rang out from the guests.

Sarah sipped on a bottle of champagne. She never imagined her speech would produce such a wonderful outcome. Screaming maybe, definitely tears, but not this. There was a blur of white and Sarah was tackled, bodily, to the ground.

“I can’t believe you did this!” Fiona screamed, swiping at her sister with perfectly manicured nails.

The women rolled on the ground.

 “Stop it!” yelled Claire. 

They ignored her, years of unspoken resentment unleashing at that very moment. Claire upended the bottle of champagne over them.

“She started it!” Sarah screamed, pinning her sister down, false eyelashes hanging off her cheeks.

“YOU started it!” yelled Fiona, her cheeks drenched in mascara and champagne.

“I can’t believe you would say that at your sister’s wedding, Sarah!” yelled Claire. “What were you thinking? Oh right, you weren’t thinking, as usual.” 

Sarah got unsteadily to her feet.

“Oh what a surprise, you’re taking her side.” she said. “You’re always on her side. You never have anything good to say about me!” 

“Well, maybe, if you stopped being a complete and utter embarrassment for one single day of your life, I could!”

“Well maybe," said Sarah, "if you weren’t such a royal bitch all the time…”

At that moment Fiona emerged behind her, like an avenging angel in a ten thousand dollar dress. She held up what was in her hands and brought it down, hard, over Sarah’s head. Sarah fell to the ground, her face covered in chocolate raspberry sponge with Chambord Liqueur frosting. The tiny statue of a kissing bride and groom that stood on top of the wedding cake rolled under a table.

Sirens blared and lights flickered over the walls of the hall. Whilst most guests had enthusiastically recorded footage of the broken nuptials on their phones, one of the more prudent ones had called the police. 

....

“Watch it! This is couture!” Fiona yelled.

“Mind your head ma’am.” the officer droned as he shut the police car door behind her. 

He and his partner exchanged weary looks, their uniforms covered in icing from prying the bridesmaid off her sister. Claire stood next to them, watching in horror as most of the wedding party were taken away in police cars. She wanted the ground to open up and swallow her whole. She would never be able to show her face in town again. 

However, whilst exchanging numbers and footage from the night, most of the guests agreed it was the best wedding they had ever attended.